Thursday, January 26, 2006

Its time to lay down

Stamp it, ramp it and tramp it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Rancers

True, true, true
In an interview about his upcoming rap album, Kevin Federline said his music will speak for itself. He’s right, the album is titled; “I’m a Worthless Lazy Freeloader.”

No Edward
Google in China will censor searches for booze and jokes; so, in other words, they will never know about Ted Kennedy.

So tacky, Lex
For the Chinese New Year it is the Year of the Dog. In addition, the special at the Beijing Sizzler is the rear of the dog.

Fictional Memoir
Author James Frey is under fire from Oprah and critics for lying in his memoirs; “A Million Little Pieces.” In fact, Frey will have to revise the book. For example, Chapter five will now be; “I spent three months in jail. Oh, wait, no, I guess I didn’t. My bad.”

Yah gotta kinda wonder a little bit
You could kind of tell Frey’s book stretched the truth. For example that one part where he said he and O.J. looked for the real killers while galloping on their unicorns.

In fact, under truth-of-advertising-law, Frey may have to change the title from “A Million Little Pieces” to “A Million Little Pieces of Total Crap.”

Oprah was furious at Frey for lying in the book she promoted. In fact, I haven’t seen Oprah this angry since her boyfriend Steadman tried to sneak into her bedroom.

I’m sorry, you just can’t lie about your past and expect to get away with it or my name isn’t O.J. Simpson Robert Blake.

You know when I first suspected Frey’s book was phony? When he claimed he had evidence of Iraqi weapons of mass destruction.

No kidding?
President Bush has declared a war on pornography, and who is the enemy in the war on pornography? An Army of One Hand.

The war on pornography will bring an entirely different meaning to the military ambush term: bush whacked.

Does anyone know how we are going to possibly win the war on pornography? Because it sure beats me.

Justifiable crime
German police were able to track a thief who stole a Karaoke machine due to a trail of feathers from his ripped down parka. The man claims he stole the Karaoke machine in self-defense: a drunk Japanese businessman was trying to sing “Layla” or as he sang; “Rayrah.”

The man was charged with theft and attempting to sing “Feelings.”

Easy Al
Al Gore has reportedly packed on at least 50 pounds since he ran for President; yeah, in fact, if Gore ran for president again, this time there is even more of him that wouldn’t get elected.

50 pounds. Let this be a lesson, if you work at McDonalds, stay away from the deep fried pies.

Shut it
In the “Rolling Stone,” US Skier loudmouth Bode Miller said Barry Bonds and Lance Armstrong cheated with drugs. If this Bode guy runs the downhill as fast as he runs his mouth, he is a cinch for the gold.

Since you asked:
Why am I such a sap for this kind of stuff? Check this out, this is so cool:

Click on “View the commercial.”

Just made the killer work out iPod playlist. I dare you to keep your feet still when listening to it. It may be a tad heavy for some but you need to rock to work out. Again, these are great-to-work-out-to songs, that doesn’t mean they are the best songs period. They gets you going, do be what they do.

Hells Bells AC/DC. It rocks but it starts slow and cool.

All Down the Line Rolling Stones. If there is an underrated stones tune, this is it. Great road song

Gimme Some Lovin’ Spencer Davis Group. Yes, I know Stevie Winwood was 17 when he sang it

Rock and Roll Ain’t Noise Pollution, AC/DC. This is in the Nike commercial

Rock & Roll, Led Zeppelin The starting drums alone will get you going. Damn Cadillac to hell.

Bitch, Rolling Stones. Love that little high two note hammer Keith does in the middle of the signature riff.

You Shook Me All Night Long. AC/DC Sure, it’s a wedding dance cliché but that don’t mean it don’t rock. God bless her American thighs. Dammit.

Whole ‘lotta Love, Led Zeppelin. Sure the lyrics are jacked-up over-the-top. So what?

Back in Black, AC/DC Title track rocks like the rest of the album.

Are You Gonna Be My Gal, Jet. OK, so it is the first song from this millennium, it rocks old school.

When the Levee Breaks, Led Zeppelin. You don’t like the sexy drums and the amped Bb cross harp that is bent like Becks? Well, then I don’t like you.

Hard to Handle, Black Crows. Lyrics remind me of my buddy, Ronnie B, saying: Happinin’?

Black Dog, Led Zeppelin, That sound in the beginning is the noise a pole vault pole makes when it hits the track.

Break Up Song, Greg Kihn band. Highly underrated tune.

Danger Zone, Kenny Loggins. OK, mock me as a yellow power tie wearing relic of the Eighties, I don’t care, this song rocks. I dare you to think of Maverick (Cruise in the cool pre-couch bounding days) going ballistic without you going crazy.

Since you asked, II
My comedy writing pal Janice Hough sent me the e-mail about the guy who bought a burger at a fast food joint for $3.58 and when he gave the cashier eight cents to get back two quarters with his one, she froze with confusion and cried.

This is no lie. I ordered food to go from a local sports bar beer joint. When my food came up and I tried to pay, the waiter said;

“Sorry, I can’t give you your bill, the computer is down.”

After ten minutes, I suggested he just tell me how much I owed him and I would pay because I didn’t need a receipt. The waiter looked at me like I was mentally ill and said;

“But the computer is still down.”

After another ten minutes, he got the manager after I explained that I needed to go while the food was still vaguely warm.

Finally, when the manager had some spare time, he took out a calculator, and a menu and a pad of paper and sat down at an empty table looking like he was doing his taxes; he slowly looked up the prices of my three items, wrote them down, and then, using the calculator, he added the total. He then asked me what the sales tax was. When I informed him it was 7.75 percent, he asked me, with no shame at all, how to get 7.75 percent of the total on the calculator.

And he was the manager.

It took every muscle and nerve I had to not get all “Why back in my day” on these morons and scream that, when I was a waiter, not only did we have the menu prices memorized, we could calculate the sales tax in our head as well as figuring out and adding a 15 percent gratuity for parties larger than ten.

But then we didn’t know how to get to the 30th level of Halo 2.

Say it with me, Slats and Nuggies:

“You punks get off my lawn and slow down, there are children in this neighborhood, dammit.”