Its time to lay down
It’s time to lay down the play down, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
How cold was it?
Man it was cold this morning, I was shaking like a Denver Bronco fan who works for Ford.
You had a bad weekend if you were a Bronco fan or worked for Ford. And a really bad weekend if you worked on the Ford Bronco.
Now that is fooling around
NBA star Tony Parker is reportedly furious that his girlfriend, Eva Langoria, was seen groping with “Ray” actor Jamie Foxx at a Golden Globe party. How serious were Foxx and Eva fooling around? Let’s just say Foxx’s Oscar was all over Eva’s Golden Globes.
Name game
Bad news for Fox’s “Skating with Celebrities” with Todd Bridges, Bruce Jenner and Debbie Gibson. Truth-in-advertising laws require Fox to change the name to “Skating with Has-Beens.”
Odd
Analysts have been pouring over the new audio tape by Osama bin Laden. It was particularly odd when Osama thanked the foreign press for his Golden Globe.
It was particularly odd when Osama announced he wanted to give a shout out to his main beeyatch, Eva Langoria.
Hung quite a number
The Los Angeles Lakers Kobe Bryant scored 81 points, the second most to Wilt Chamberlain’s 100 points, in a 122-104 win over the Toronto Raptors. Or as the New York Knicks call 81 points, January.
Which is 96 points after the Canadian exchange rate.
The Los Angeles Lakers Kobe Bryant scored 81 points, the second highest to Wilt Chamberlain’s 100 points. It was the most Wilt had ever scored, until he was invited to the Playboy Mansion.
K-Fed, report to the office
There was a terrible accident and traffic jam in San Diego when a garbage truck ripped down a sign because the garbage truck was driving with the dumpster up. Well, so much for Kevin Federline’s first day at the job.
Not pretty
The Denver Broncos lost 34-17 to the Pittsburgh Steelers. Denver quarterback Jake Plummer spent so much time on his butt it was the worst case of Plummer's butt since Michael Moore wore a banana thong to the beach.
Double Duty
A lawsuit deposition when Paris Hilton was asked if she knew an article appeared in a U.K. tabloid, Paris said; “No, it was like in London.” And all this time we thought Jessica Simpson was the dumb one and Paris was only the slutty one.
A lawsuit deposition when Paris Hilton was asked to identify the name of a man, Paris said “He had a weird Greek name like Douglass.” Congratulations, Jessica Simpson, you are no longer the dumbest blonde.
Big night
The ex-fiancé of Nicolette Sheridan, actor, Niklass Soderblom, said the, “Desperate Housewives” star Sheridan was lousy in bed giving her a 2 out of 10 rating in bed. Or as Star Jones husband Al Reynolds calls a 2 out of 10 rating in bed: a good night.
And anything on Michael Jackson
Plastic surgeons say the most requested celebrity feature has changed from Angelina Jolie’s full lips to Scarlett Johanson’s pouty lips. And the least requested celebrity feature? Paris Hilton’s ass calluses.
Plastic surgeons say the most requested celebrity feature has changed from Angelina Jolie’s full lips to Scarlett Johanson’s pouty lips. And the least requested celebrity feature? Owen Wilson’s penis-shaped nose.
Not bright
In a lawsuit deposition, an attorney had to explain to Paris Hilton the difference between left and right. He explained it to Paris saying that left and right is how she catches sexually transmitted diseases.
Two is the loneliest number
San Francisco Giant manager Filipe Alou told the press he was thinking about batting Barry Bonds second in the lineup, but Bonds said he doesn’t want to bat second. The number two is tough on Bonds because it reminds him of the number of testicles he had before steroids.
Since you asked:
So there I am with my lovely, sweet, funny, smart, stud-soccer-player daughter at the store.
When I was a terrified parent-to-be I had a transcendent moment. I saw this woman with her kids at the store and she was a nightmare: yelling at the kids, ignoring the kids, just making her family and herself and everybody in the store miserable.
Then I saw this really cute Mom with a toddler and she was just beaming. Everything her kid did cracked her up, even when it was a little bad. The kid was happy, the Mom was ecstatic and everyone felt a little better for seeing them.
At that moment, I resolved to be exactly like the cute Mom. OK, that didn’t sound right, but you know what I mean.
Boy am I lucky. I love to go the store with Ann Caroline and we have the best time. Today I picked up a bottle of pain-be-gone juice, or Kettle One vodka. I told my daughter – because I can just hear Ann Caroline in What-Did-You-Last-Night time in class yelling;
“Last night my Dad bought a huge bottle of Vodka.”
So, fooling around, I picked up the bottle and told Ann Caroline that it was adult tea. She said;
“But it doesn’t look like tea.” I said;
“Because it is clear tea. Yeah, because it gives you – wait for it, wait for it – Clarity.
Oh, I kill me.
If I did quit booze, because I am busy and have that Attention Deficit Whatever-it’s called, can I go to a six step program?
How cold was it?
Man it was cold this morning, I was shaking like a Denver Bronco fan who works for Ford.
You had a bad weekend if you were a Bronco fan or worked for Ford. And a really bad weekend if you worked on the Ford Bronco.
Now that is fooling around
NBA star Tony Parker is reportedly furious that his girlfriend, Eva Langoria, was seen groping with “Ray” actor Jamie Foxx at a Golden Globe party. How serious were Foxx and Eva fooling around? Let’s just say Foxx’s Oscar was all over Eva’s Golden Globes.
Name game
Bad news for Fox’s “Skating with Celebrities” with Todd Bridges, Bruce Jenner and Debbie Gibson. Truth-in-advertising laws require Fox to change the name to “Skating with Has-Beens.”
Odd
Analysts have been pouring over the new audio tape by Osama bin Laden. It was particularly odd when Osama thanked the foreign press for his Golden Globe.
It was particularly odd when Osama announced he wanted to give a shout out to his main beeyatch, Eva Langoria.
Hung quite a number
The Los Angeles Lakers Kobe Bryant scored 81 points, the second most to Wilt Chamberlain’s 100 points, in a 122-104 win over the Toronto Raptors. Or as the New York Knicks call 81 points, January.
Which is 96 points after the Canadian exchange rate.
The Los Angeles Lakers Kobe Bryant scored 81 points, the second highest to Wilt Chamberlain’s 100 points. It was the most Wilt had ever scored, until he was invited to the Playboy Mansion.
K-Fed, report to the office
There was a terrible accident and traffic jam in San Diego when a garbage truck ripped down a sign because the garbage truck was driving with the dumpster up. Well, so much for Kevin Federline’s first day at the job.
Not pretty
The Denver Broncos lost 34-17 to the Pittsburgh Steelers. Denver quarterback Jake Plummer spent so much time on his butt it was the worst case of Plummer's butt since Michael Moore wore a banana thong to the beach.
Double Duty
A lawsuit deposition when Paris Hilton was asked if she knew an article appeared in a U.K. tabloid, Paris said; “No, it was like in London.” And all this time we thought Jessica Simpson was the dumb one and Paris was only the slutty one.
A lawsuit deposition when Paris Hilton was asked to identify the name of a man, Paris said “He had a weird Greek name like Douglass.” Congratulations, Jessica Simpson, you are no longer the dumbest blonde.
Big night
The ex-fiancé of Nicolette Sheridan, actor, Niklass Soderblom, said the, “Desperate Housewives” star Sheridan was lousy in bed giving her a 2 out of 10 rating in bed. Or as Star Jones husband Al Reynolds calls a 2 out of 10 rating in bed: a good night.
And anything on Michael Jackson
Plastic surgeons say the most requested celebrity feature has changed from Angelina Jolie’s full lips to Scarlett Johanson’s pouty lips. And the least requested celebrity feature? Paris Hilton’s ass calluses.
Plastic surgeons say the most requested celebrity feature has changed from Angelina Jolie’s full lips to Scarlett Johanson’s pouty lips. And the least requested celebrity feature? Owen Wilson’s penis-shaped nose.
Not bright
In a lawsuit deposition, an attorney had to explain to Paris Hilton the difference between left and right. He explained it to Paris saying that left and right is how she catches sexually transmitted diseases.
Two is the loneliest number
San Francisco Giant manager Filipe Alou told the press he was thinking about batting Barry Bonds second in the lineup, but Bonds said he doesn’t want to bat second. The number two is tough on Bonds because it reminds him of the number of testicles he had before steroids.
Since you asked:
So there I am with my lovely, sweet, funny, smart, stud-soccer-player daughter at the store.
When I was a terrified parent-to-be I had a transcendent moment. I saw this woman with her kids at the store and she was a nightmare: yelling at the kids, ignoring the kids, just making her family and herself and everybody in the store miserable.
Then I saw this really cute Mom with a toddler and she was just beaming. Everything her kid did cracked her up, even when it was a little bad. The kid was happy, the Mom was ecstatic and everyone felt a little better for seeing them.
At that moment, I resolved to be exactly like the cute Mom. OK, that didn’t sound right, but you know what I mean.
Boy am I lucky. I love to go the store with Ann Caroline and we have the best time. Today I picked up a bottle of pain-be-gone juice, or Kettle One vodka. I told my daughter – because I can just hear Ann Caroline in What-Did-You-Last-Night time in class yelling;
“Last night my Dad bought a huge bottle of Vodka.”
So, fooling around, I picked up the bottle and told Ann Caroline that it was adult tea. She said;
“But it doesn’t look like tea.” I said;
“Because it is clear tea. Yeah, because it gives you – wait for it, wait for it – Clarity.
Oh, I kill me.
If I did quit booze, because I am busy and have that Attention Deficit Whatever-it’s called, can I go to a six step program?
posted by Alex at
3:32 PM
<< Home