Saturday, January 21, 2006

Since you asked

Since you asked:
I was watching a 5-year-old kid ski race in Gran Targhee, Wyoming. It was great. These brave little kids flew down the hill and through the gates with absolutely no regard for their little bodies.

Suddenly I heard thunderous cheering and applause rolling down the mountain, like an avalanche, for a particularly kind-of-slower moving cute little girl with blonde pig tails flying from her helmet. Why so much cheering for her? It turns out there was a reason she was going a little slower than the other kids: she had to have her blind skier guide yell for her when to turn.

Wasn’t a damn dry eye on the mountain, is what there wasn’t.

So I tell my then six-year-old daughter, Ann Caroline, that story and I end it with saying that it shows just how grateful we should be for what we have.

Ann Caroline was so moved she wrote the story in a school paper that I saw posted on her classroom wall. However, her conclusion was a little different. She wrote;

“And my Dad said blind people should be grateful for what they have because they could also be deaf.”

Get that weekend jac

Get that weekend jacked up, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

This “Brokeback Mountain” gay theme is spreading. After the Osama bin Laden audio threat our terror alert isn’t at yellow, we changed it to Chartreuse.

Osama bin Laden made another audio tape threatening the United States. Apparently Osama was furious how “My Name is Earl” was shunned at the Golden Globes.

How cold is it?
It has been cold. It has been so cold I’ve been shaking like Drew Barrymore’s stylist after the Golden Globes.

Muslim comedy?
Albert Brooks is starring in a movie titled; “Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World.” There is a lot of comedy in the Muslim world. For example: “Knock, knock.” “Who’s there?” “al-Be D’hamid.” “al-Be D’hamid who?” “al-Be D’hamid if you didn’t just knock on a cave.”

The National Enquirer says Michael Jackson may convert to Islam. If Michael thought he had it tough in the US as a poor black boy, wait until he experiences life in the Muslim world as a rich white woman.

The latest is that Michael Jackson may convert to Islam. So much for “Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World.” There it is.

Albert Brooks is starring in a movie titled; “Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World.” There is a lot of comedy in the Muslim world: A camel walks into a bar. Bartender says, “What will you have?” The camel says, “There is no alcohol allowed in Islam, you vile infidel devil.”

There is a lot of comedy in the Muslim world. Did you hear about the dyslexic suicide bomber? He went to the explode and marketed himself.

There is a lot of comedy in the Muslim world. What did the suicide bomber say to the other suicide bomber? “Is it just me or do I have the ugliest 73 virgins in heaven?”

Roll back the clock
Aaron Neville, Aretha Franklin, Stevie Wonder and the Rolling Stones will perform at the Super Bowl. Now, I don’t want to say these acts are dated, but this would be the perfect lineup for the Super Bowl if it featured the Los Angeles Rams versus the Baltimore Colts

Sure sign
They now think that the Chinese discovered America, not Christopher Columbus; finally, this explains all of the Chinese menus Columbus found lying around.

Not good
William Shatner auctioned off his kidney stone for $25,000. Let’s hope this doesn’t give Shatner any bright ideas after his hemorrhoid procedure.

Angie’s peeves
Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are pregnant. It hasn’t been all smooth sailing for Brad and
Angelina. For example, Angelina isn’t thrilled about Brad’s “I Heart Jennifer” ass tattoo.

That explains it
“Variety” says the latest trend in Hollywood is gay themed movies. This explains the sequel “Dude, Where’s My Carpet?”

Muslim comedy
Albert Brooks is starring in a movie titled; “Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World.” There is a lot of comedy in the Muslim world. Did you hear the suicide bomber limerick?

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Just like me in bed
My bomb went off early too.

Classics made fierce
Because of all the awards given to “Brokeback Mountain” Hollywood is in love with gay-themed movies. Now they want to go back and remake movie classics but with a gay theme.

“The Godfather” would be “The God, Who’s Your Daddy?”

“The African Queen” would be “The West Hollywood Queen”

The Holiday classic “It’s a Wonderful Life” would be “It’s a Fabulous Lifestyle”

“The Wizard of Oz” would be, well, that would still be “The Wizard of Oz.”

And “Jaws” would be “Throat”

How did that happen?
CBS news legend Walter Cronkite is getting married again at 89; how on earth did Anna Nicole Smith miss him?

The wedding vows were written by the makers of Viagra.

Weak link
According to rumors, Ted Kennedy may have had a child out of wedlock; if Ted Kennedy named his dog Splash, what’s he going to name this kid, Boink?

In sad news, Soul legend Wilson Pickett passed away. Services will be late Saturday night, fittingly, they’re going to wait ‘til the midnight hour.

Friday, January 20, 2006

We in between the me

We in between the mean in this machine, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

So mean
The Center for Disease Control says if beer prices went up 20% gonorrhea in young adults would go down 9%. And it would go down a lot more than that for fat and ugly people.

Federal health officials are investigating claims that erectile dysfunction drugs, like Viagra and Levitra, cause eye damage. Not for the men taking it, for the women who are kneeling too close.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
The government has launched a mission to Pluto. It was awkward, when told about the mission to Pluto, President Bush said; “Now we will finally find out why Pluto can’t talk but Goofy can.”

Why so mean?
The New Orleans Saints hired a new coach named Sean Payton. Sean Payton is no relation to the Colts QB Peyton Manning because this Payton may actually win a playoff game.

Again, mean
A cab driver in Maui is accusing Paris Hilton of urinating in his cab and claims he has proof; the cab driver knew something was wrong when he smelled something that stunk worse than he did.

Once more, mean
New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin blamed hurricanes on god being angry at the US. And god must be particularly angry at the folks of New Orleans because he gave them such a crazy-ass mayor.

Classy Paris
A cab driver in Maui is accusing a drunk Paris Hilton of urinating in his cab and claims he has proof; and you thought Paris Hilton pissed you off?

Between her sex video, her cat fights with countless celebrities, drunken displays and now urinating in a cab, if Paris isn’t careful, she could start to look undignified.

Stand up guy
In an audio tape, Osama bin Laden has offered the United States a truce against terrorism; and if we can’t trust a stand up guy like Osama to keep his word, who can we trust?

A Nice Change
In the New York Knicks 106-104 loss to the Chicago Bulls NBA star Antonio Davis charged into the stands to defend his wife from an abusive Chicago fan; nobody blames Davis, and it was also the first time in history the words NBA star and defends his wife have ever appeared together.

Well, it wasn’t
The movie “Brokeback Mountain” won the Golden Globe for best song; and, no, the song was not Elton John’s “Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy.”

Since you asked:
Oh, I see how you are. So I like to watch "The Food Network" you are going to call me a disparaging name for homosexual males – not that there is a single thing wrong with that - that rhymes with a Booster?

Well, you have not seen Rachel Ray and Giada De Laurentis. Dammit. Whether De Laurantis’s “Everyday Italian” or Ray’s “Thirty Minute Meals” these womenzeses are hotter than an overdone meatloaf.

Plus it is really fun to watch them and play a game I like to call:

“Cooking Dirty Double Entendres.”

It is so fun and easy. For example, in your best Bill Murray's "Caddy Shack" Carl Spacker pervy voice, like when he says; “Wait up girls, I got a salami I gotta hide” when Rachel Ray says; "Let your dough rise" you growl, with you lip jutted to the side; “I got your dough rising right here, Rachel.” When Giada says “Let the sauce boil” you leer, “I’ll make your sauce boil.”

See? It is really fun.

The other day I was in heaven playing “CDDE” drinking a glass of red and enjoying pistachio nuts, when Rachel said;

“Now shove the pork into the oven.”

I yelled;

“Oh come on, Rachel, if you’re going to make too easy it’s no fun to play.”

But don’t play during Bobby Flay’s “Boy Meets Grill” because, gay or straight, man or woman, that is just sick.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Go ahead and spank t

Go ahead and spank that money-maker, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The New Orleans Saints hired a new coach named Sean Payton. Sean Payton is no relation to the Colts QB Peyton Manning because this Payton may actually win a playoff game sometime.

Makes sense
Some poor guy in London discovered his girlfriend was cheating on him when their parrot mimick-squawked how she yelled her lover’s name during sex, Now we know why Paris Hilton has a Chihuahua.

An article in the Journal of Clinical Investigation says that smoking marijuana can stimulate brain growth. In a related story, Snoop Dog just broke the recently set world record for solving the Rubic’s cube.

Couldn’t do it
Sylvester Stallone is going ahead with the production of “Rocky 6.” Sylvester Stallone will turn 60 during the filming of “Rocky 6.” I don’t want to say Sly is old, but if he was on death row, Arnold Schwarzenegger wouldn’t have the heart to execute him.

Tuesday California executed a 76-year-old inmate. They didn’t give him a lethal injection, they just made him watch the entire episode of the Golden Globes and he died of boredom.

Bubba Wear
For the “E” network, on the Golden Globe red carpet, gay fashion designer Isaak Mizrahi handled Scarlett Johanson’s cleavage. In a related story, Bill Clinton has announced he is now a fashion designer for his new line of Bubba Wear.

For the “E” network, on the Golden Globe red carpet, gay fashion designer Isaak Mizrahi asked Eva Longoria how her pubic hair was groomed. Her reply? Let’s just say Eva doesn’t Terri her Hatcher.

Interviewing the “E” network, on the Golden Globe red carpet, gay fashion designer Isaak Mizrahi asked Eva Langoria about her pubic hair grooming, looked down Terri Hatcher’s dress and felt Scarlett Johanson’s breasts. This gay Isaak guy is doing better than me.

Skating away
Fox’s “Skating With Celebrities” features, Todd Bridges, Bruce Jenner and Debbie Gibson. And it’s not like they just used to be famous in the late seventies, why Jenner, Gibson and Bridges were recently in, uh, well, they did that, um, they had a cameo in . . . so they really skate, huh?

Fox’s “Skating With Celebrities” features, Todd Bridges, Bruce Jenner and Debbie Gibson.
Sounds more like “Skating By Qualifying as a Celebrity.” Todd Bridges? What’s the matter, couldn’t they find a skates small enough for Gary Coleman?

That’s my Bode
The current issue of “Time” features US skier Bode Miller with the title American Rebel; Miller caused a controversy by admitting on “Sixty Minutes” that he has raced drunk. Is that a big deal? Just recently the New York Giants played an entire playoff game drunk.

Not good
A survey reveals that if you have a TV in the bedroom, it cuts your sex life in half; unless your TV is tuned to NBC’s prime time, then you’re really screwed.

It Bode's well
The current issue of “Time” features US skier Bode Miller. Have you seen his picture? We don’t need to worry about Bode taking steroids, there are Iraqi girls in second grade with better beards.

The current issue of “Time” features US skier Bode Miller on the cover and the article reveals that Bode had hippy parents. What a shock there, a guy named Bode with hippy parents. I guess the name Bong was already taken.

Did you hear they might make an action movie starring Gold medal skiing favorite, Bode Miller? They don’t want Bode to get hurt for the Olympics doing stunts, so they are going to –wait for it, wait for it - use a Bode double.

New trend
Have you seen the video of formerly feuding Kobe Bryant and Shaquille O’Neal hugging before the game? The Shaq and Kobe hug was so touching it inspired a new movie: “Backboard Mountain.”

The new season of “American Idol” started last night. Can you believe how awful some of the singers are? They were so bad I had to listen to my Regis Philbin Christmas Album to get the sound out of my head.

The new season of “American Idol” started last night. Can you believe how awful some of the singers are? Folks, here is a tip, if every time you sing people look like they are about to spit out something horribly unpleasant tasting? Don’t go on “American Idol.”

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Since you asked the

Since you asked, the long version:

The new season of “American Idol” started last night. Can you believe how awful some of the singers are? Folks, here is a tip, if, every time you sing, people look like they are about to spit out something horribly unpleasant tasting? Don’t go on “American Idol.”

A so-so joke aside, there is no way I can stand to watch the beginning of “American Idol.”

Fans of the show love this time when the bad singers appear but I can’t take it. Maybe I’m more sensitive than I look, feel or write, but it kills me to see these people get their feelings hurt and their dreams killed at the same time, no matter how ridiculously bad they are. The fact is they clearly think they are good. And probably someone who loves them agrees with them. That is too much delusion, denial and heartbreak for me to enjoy.

One day, at a shopping mall near me, they held an open call for young girls who aspired to be models. Oh my word, my heart actually broke to the point where I thought I could cry. Some of these poor little things were so not ever going to be a model. In college, I knew a guy who was a national print model. He was discovered, as I think most models are. It’s like a great football player, if you are good enough, the NFL will find you.

My mother, to the day she died, could not tell the story – that the rest of the family loves to tell - of how she entered her beloved childhood Collie, Copper, in a dog show. My Mom was so excited, she knew Copper would win because she knew, with all of her ten-year-old heart, that Copper was not only the most beautiful Collie ever, but The most beautiful dog in the entire world. But to play it safe, she gave Cooper a bath, and brushed her for an hour and trained her on the leash for many more. In fairness, Copper did get third place . . . out of the three Collies that were entered.

My Mom wept openly for a week.

(Sometimes, when we told to story, to get a reaction out of Mom, we said Copper got third and there were only two Collies entered. Mom got very upset with that abuse of the truth for the mere purpose of alleged humor)

Most people go through life without taking a big chance. It takes guts to put yourself on the line, especially in public. The timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat, as Teddy Roosevelt called them, are satisfied to sit back and criticize others like hell. It actually makes them feel good to tear others down. Believe me, I know because I have been hammered by a critic or critics as both a stand up comedian and a comedy writer and it hurts like you cannot believe, no matter how much of a jerk they are. What they are basically saying is, excuse me, but that thing you are pouring your guts, life and heart into? It really sucks.

But, despite the fact that they may be humorless jerks, critics can also be dead-on right. (See: Simon Cowell) A lot of the time performers stink.

When you are bombing on stage, people do not respond well. The nice people get embarrassed for you, which is a little thing called pity, and the not-so-nice people actually get angry that you are wasting their precious time.

One thing I have noticed about the harsher comedy critics is that, either when criticizing me or criticizing an actual big-time, famous comedian, the meanest, angriest critics of comedy all have one thing in common: they personally have absolutely no sense of humor at all. Zero. (Roger Ebert is a good example)

You have to have actually once been funny to know how it is done and these brutal critics clearly have never been funny in their lives. One rather humorless woman I know informed me matter-of-factly that Jerry Seinfeld was not at all funny. It took all I could not to say, “Actually, yes Seinfeld is funny, you, having the sense of humor of a carp, are just incapable of grasping it.”

When I was a kid, we had this shriveled-up leaf of a man living nearby who was the widower of my great Aunt Kaffy, so that made him a designated Christmas guest. This poor old guy, Uncle Gene, was so dry, and so humorless and so boring that we had to tag team visiting with him. As soon as someone came into the living room, that was your chance to bail out with your life.

Poor old Uncle Gene would drone on and on and on and on and finally, just before you were about to slit your wrists, he would hit you with his punch line and he expected you to laugh hysterically, which you would fake as best you could. But if you tried to tell Uncle Gene a joke, no matter how funny it was, he would glare at you like you had thrown up on his clip-on bow tie.

Uncle Gene was a particularly harsh critic of comedy.

One time, on a dead night at a comedy club, it was going pretty bad because it was a small crowd, so I had the brain storm to wing it with all new untried material - a big mistake unless your first name is Richard and your last name is Pryor, which, given the recent circumstances, I hope it isn’t - and I got flushed and literally started choking. By choking I mean choking, you could hear my voice tightening up. It was awful. When I got off the stage I could feel myself go into mild shock, bombing is that much of an emotionally upsetting trauma to the soul.

In all due modesty, I must defend myself and say I have killed (in comedy kill is good) way more than I have bombed, but, nonetheless, make no mistake, I have bombed.

That same night I bombed so badly, a patron actually went to the trouble of coming up to me, she introduced herself, and then she calmly detailed, in no uncertain terms, why she thought I was so awful and should get out of comedy. What a nice person. I’m sure that, when she dies, that she won’t be tortured forever in the seventh circle of hell.

The other great reaction I got was one night I had a bad set. It’s a long story, but my thoughts and heart were just not into it and, boy, did it show. But the comedian after me killed. The comedian who killed and I were talking in the lobby and an older man came up to him and started raving about how funny he was, how clever he was, how great the material was, how he couldn’t believe he wasn’t on HBO right now. Then the nice older man turned to me and said;

“Oh, hi there” and walked away.

Some would-be comedians, like the bad singers, are so deluded they not only don’t think they bomb, they think that they are killing as they are bombing. You don’t feel sorry for them because they don’t feel bad themselves.

But then they don’t have a snippy little bitter Brit named Simon detailing just how awful they are in front of the entire world.

But that William Hung character? He really sucked.  

What it is is what i

What it is is what it is is what it is, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

More than that, huh?
In Los Angeles there was a huge sewage spill in Manhattan Beach; it is so bad there is more crap on the beach then there is on prime time on NBC.

So mean
Did you see the video replay of last year’s green hillside collapse at La Conchita? Oh, sorry, that was Drew Barrymore’s dress at the Golden Globes.

At the Golden Globe awards, ouch, did you see Drew Barrymore’s saggy green dress? Not to get mean and catty but they should have introduced her as Droop Barrymore.

The Golden Globe awards are hilarious; you can sit there and watch the big shot movie stars get hammered. Every shot of the crowd, the celebrities have a glass of booze in their hand. “Brokeback Mountain” actor Heath Ledger was so tanked he made a pass at a straight cowboy.

Tim Robbins was so drunk he hugged a republican.

The “Desperate Housewives” were so drunk they got along with Terri Hatcher.

Did you see the Golden Globe Awards? If what they say is true that Hollywood is high school with money, than the “Desperate Housewives” stars are the buzzed cheerleaders at the party giggling and gossiping at all the losers.

Those booze-laden Golden Globe awards were wild. Today “Brokeback Mountain” star Heath Ledger woke up in bed next to his horse.

A London department store is offering a class on how to use the iPod. It is very thorough, it shows how to select a song, how to play a song, and most importantly how to never ever play or download a song from Celine Deon.

Why they hate us
The goodie bags handed out to Hollywood’s elite at the Golden Globes are worth $62,000. And we wonder why the rest of the world hates us. “Hey Omar, go to bed, you’ve got to get up and milk the goat.” “No, I have to stay up and see what’s in Stephen Speilberg’s $62,000 goody bag.”

Apu is mad at you
After a surprise rocket attack on terrorists, Pakistan is very angry at the United States; it is serious, Pakistan is so mad we may have to pour our own slurpies.

We’ve got that
English scientists are seeking permission to fuse human cells with rabbit eggs. Don’t we already have that? It’s called Paris Hilton.

Double world record
A 20-year-old Cal Tech student set a world record for solving a Rubic’s cube in eleven seconds; he also set a world record for being the only guy with a world record who can’t get laid.

Some poor guy in London discovered his girlfriend was cheating on him with a guy named Gary when their parrot squawked out what she yelled during sex; “I love you, Gary.” That’s not the worst of it, the parrot then squawked out; “OK, Gary, send in the rest of your rugby team.”

You think that’s bad? The woman is really grateful their Great Dane can’t talk.

The parrot watched them having sex. Yeah, in a related story, Prince Charles and Camilla’s parrot just committed suicide.

In a related story, in London alone, five thousand parrots were returned to their pet store.

Since you asked:
As my long-suffering regular readers know only too well, from time to time, I get a major insect where it don’t belong and tear into a topic but hard. Sure, I say things that offend and lose some readers and if that is the case, I am sorry to lose you but, as the song says, I’ve got to be me.

I like top sirloin.

No, wait a second, don’t leave yet. Listen, you can still have your filet mignons and your rib eyes and your strip/New York steaks and your t-bones and your porterhouse steaks. I love them too, but for the money and the leanness, with a little finesse, the top sirloin is your friend.

Last night I put a strong rub on that puppy: garlic powder, red pepper, black pepper, paprika, cumin, salt and grilled it sizzling hot for a sexy ruddy crust on a perfect pink and juicy medium rare. Sliced it thin like a flank steak and served it on a grill crusted roll with sliced tomatoes, melted roasted garlic-mustard *butter, mayo, and grilled red onions.

That right there was one tasty steak sanguidowich. Glass of cab, baked beans and a fruit salad. Bob’s your Uncle.

*Roast an entire head of garlic with drizzled olive oil at 400 for 45 minutes, and squeeze it into a bowl with three tablespoons of butter, mash it up, add salt, dash of Worcestershire, a big slug of Dijon mustard, mix well and stick it in the freezer to firm it up.

Since you asked, deuce
If a quarterback insists on changing the plays, fine. If he insists on changing blocking assignments, fine. If he also insists on gesturing wildly on each play to instruct his blockers about where the defense is, fine. But if that same quarterback loses and then blames his offensive line, the way Peyton Manning did, then he is a whiny little poor sport who needs his Daddy to slap him around so that he grows up.

Right now the two-tier caste system in the NFL is out of control. Free agency combined with salary caps has resulted in a huge chasm between the players who do their jobs and fill their rolls and the flashy playmakers.

If I’m some hard-working lineman for the Colts who gets told by their superstar – who is, incidentally, making one hundred times more than what I make - how to block and when, and then he turns around and blames the loss on me? I am taking out an ad with a map to show my opponent how to rip off my quarterback’s head. I will buy two of those red flashlight thingies they use to guide in jets to point out the road to the pocket.

The body language of the Colts was terrible. Marvin Harrison was openly pouting because he didn’t get the ball. Tony Dungy was frozenly seething when Manning openly disobeyed his orders to punt. And Manning was sarcastically mocking when we could mouth read how he said about Vanderjagt; “He missed.” It was as if Manning was saying; “Do I have to do everything?”

Well, no, but getting a touchdown or ten yards closer would have been a good start.

And how important is the Colts once unbeaten streak now? Not so much.

It would not be a bad move for Tony Dungy to leave the Colts. He is in a no-win situation. With Manning taking all the credit and dishing out all the blame, Dungy is the proverbial damned-if-he-does-damned-if-he-doesn’t.

Too many former fans had to quit on the NBA because of all the whiny, selfish rich jerks who demand respect and yet deserve absolutely none. Don’t let that happen to the NFL.

Monday, January 16, 2006

The comedy goes in b

The comedy goes in before the name goes on, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Oh, well, when you put it like that
The Indianapolis Colts lost to the Pittsburgh Steelers when their kicker Mike Vanderjakt missed a  field goal wide right that would have tied the game. You feel sorry for NFL kickers until you remember the only other people paid a million bucks to swing their leg worked for Heidi Fleiss.

Starting today in Indianapolis, if you don’t show up at the bus stop in time, you could Vanderjagt your bus.

Not since then
Fox has a show called “Skating with Celebrities” that features “Diff’rent Strokes” star Todd Bridges. This is the most Todd Bridges has skated since Johnny Cochran got him off for assault with a deadly weapon.

Just wait
The Pittsburgh Steelers beat the favored Indianapolis Colts 21-18, in a wild finish; afterwards, a frustrated Peyton Manning put the blame on his offensive line for not protecting him. He didn’t think they protected him before? Next year Peyton will look like a drunk crossing the Interstate.  

Old dude walkin’
California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger denied clemency to Clarence Ray Allen who will be executed Tuesday, the day after his 76th birthday. This will be the first execution where the lethal injection will be activated by the clapper.  

That will be one depressing birthday party. “Blow out the candles and make a wish. OK, what did you wish for? Yeah, no, sorry.”

Allen is nearly deaf, blind and can’t walk on his own. Why not save the state money? They can execute this guy by yelling Boo.

Related news
In Tennessee, police caught a seven-year-old boy driving a pickup truck; In a related story, today the kid was hired as Michael Jackson’s personal chauffeur.

With a z
Liza Minelli has a new 27-year-old boyfriend. Liza’s ex-husband, David Gest, is very jealous, apparently he saw the guy first.

Liza Minelli has a new 27-year-old boyfriend. I’m not sure it is going to last. On their last date he insisted on going to see “Brokeback Mountain.”

Liza Minelli has a new 27-year-old boyfriend; I don’t want to imply this guy is gay, but he makes Star Jones husband Al Reynolds look straight.

Odd, huh?
Actress Pamela Anderson wants to remove the bust of KFC founder Colonel Sanders from the Kentucky State capital saying it is a monument to cruelty for chickens. That’s kind of ironic, Pamela Anderson being opposed to a bust.

Not a big favorite
The most popular pet in New York is the French  Poodle; the least popular pet in New York? A parrot named “Bird Flu” Bobby.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
A woman, Michelle Bachelet, was elected President of Chile; again, not sure he gets it, when informed the president of Chile was a woman, President Bush said; “Is she President of Stagg Chili or Hormel Chili?”

Not since then, huh?
During the Chicago Bears close fought 29-21 loss to the Carolina Panthers, Chicago Bear All Pro linebacker Brian Urlacher made an amazing interception leaping up in the air to catch the pass. It is the wildest catch Urlacher has made since Paris Hilton threw him a piece.

Shelly, Shelly baby
In sad news, Shelly Winters passed away; in her day, Shelly was quite the Hollywood party girl. Not to put too fine a point on it, but Shelly Winters would have made Tara Reid and Paris Hilton look like Mother Teresa and the Virgin Mary.

Shelly Winters had flings with Marlon Brando, Errol Flynn, Clark Gable, Humphrey Bogart and a yearly Christmas hook up with William Holden. In fact, there are less movie star handprints under the stars on Hollywood Blvd than there were on Shelly Winter’s ass.

In the forties and fifties in Hollywood, the favorite seasons for male movie stars were the hot summers and the Shelly Winters.

White Trash recycling
The latest rumor? At Britney Spears’s Dad’s poker software launch in Las Vegas, Kevin Federline made a move on Paris Hilton and his cufflink caught on Paris’s dress strap; Can you imagine if Paris and K-Fed got together? It would be the white trash Power Ball Lottery.

What if Paris and Kevin Federline had a baby? That child would be so stupid it could be President of the United States.

Get it?
The “American Idol” judges were on “The Tonight Show.” I hear the feud between Simon Cowell and Ryan Seacrest is over. Just today I heard Simon tell Ryan, “I wish I knew how to quit you.”

In fact, Ryan and Simon are going on a fishing trip but they ain’t catchin’ no fish.

Paula Abdul was on “The Tonight Show.” I here Paula is so amazed by how bad some of the “American Idol” singers were, she almost fell off her contestant.

Wide, Wide right
Today in Indianapolis, even people who didn’t have Martin Luther King day off, were so upset over the Colts loss that they decided to say home and they completely Vanderjagt work.  

Just not the same
Today we honor Martin Luther King. Remember when our leaders had famous lines like King’s “I have a dream”? The closest we have now is congressman saying; “I have a bribe scheme.”

Since you asked:

How about that blown call when they reversed a Troy Polamalu’s interception? The ref ruled that Polamalu’s knee was down before he could execute “a football move.” Maybe it’s just me, but the NFL should change how they rule a catch to how they do it in every other single sport in the world: a catch is a catch when the ball - stay with me now - doesn’t hit the freakin’ damn ground.

How good was Steeler safety Troy Polamalu in Pittsburgh’s win over the Colts? Every defensive coordinator in the NFL has now ordered their players to wear a Diana Ross wig.  

USC isn’t just dominating college football, their alumni are dominating the NFL. And that is going to continue next year. This will be the first time that a backup running back, LenDale White, goes in the first round of the NFL draft.  

But then this weekend confirmed what my dead last place Fantasy Football team had already proven: what I know about the NFL is Dinky Doo.

Yes, folks, I got all of my picks wrong this weekend. 0-4. That’s not easy to do. Only lost real coin on the Bears, but still, for a guy who thinks he knows a lot about football, for a guy who is actually paid by several sources to write jokes about football, for a guy who used to consider himself a pretty good football player, I don’t know squat about football.

Remember the legendary story about a furious Vince Lombardi screaming to his Green Bay Players?

“It is clear none of you can remember the basics about football, so we are going to start at the beginning. (Holding up a football) “Gentleman, this is a football.”

And legendary wise-ass Max McGee shot out;

“Wait a minute, coach, not so fast.”

Everyone turned to McGee in utter horror as Lombardi turned his back, and as they waited for the inevitable temper explosion, they were shocked and greatly relieved – especially Max - to see Lombardi shaking up and down in desperate and futile attempt to stifle a laugh.  

Well, that’s me. Wait a minute coach, not so fast.