Monday, January 16, 2006

The comedy goes in b

The comedy goes in before the name goes on, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Oh, well, when you put it like that
The Indianapolis Colts lost to the Pittsburgh Steelers when their kicker Mike Vanderjakt missed a  field goal wide right that would have tied the game. You feel sorry for NFL kickers until you remember the only other people paid a million bucks to swing their leg worked for Heidi Fleiss.

Starting today in Indianapolis, if you don’t show up at the bus stop in time, you could Vanderjagt your bus.

Not since then
Fox has a show called “Skating with Celebrities” that features “Diff’rent Strokes” star Todd Bridges. This is the most Todd Bridges has skated since Johnny Cochran got him off for assault with a deadly weapon.

Just wait
The Pittsburgh Steelers beat the favored Indianapolis Colts 21-18, in a wild finish; afterwards, a frustrated Peyton Manning put the blame on his offensive line for not protecting him. He didn’t think they protected him before? Next year Peyton will look like a drunk crossing the Interstate.  

Old dude walkin’
California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger denied clemency to Clarence Ray Allen who will be executed Tuesday, the day after his 76th birthday. This will be the first execution where the lethal injection will be activated by the clapper.  

That will be one depressing birthday party. “Blow out the candles and make a wish. OK, what did you wish for? Yeah, no, sorry.”

Allen is nearly deaf, blind and can’t walk on his own. Why not save the state money? They can execute this guy by yelling Boo.

Related news
In Tennessee, police caught a seven-year-old boy driving a pickup truck; In a related story, today the kid was hired as Michael Jackson’s personal chauffeur.

With a z
Liza Minelli has a new 27-year-old boyfriend. Liza’s ex-husband, David Gest, is very jealous, apparently he saw the guy first.

Liza Minelli has a new 27-year-old boyfriend. I’m not sure it is going to last. On their last date he insisted on going to see “Brokeback Mountain.”

Liza Minelli has a new 27-year-old boyfriend; I don’t want to imply this guy is gay, but he makes Star Jones husband Al Reynolds look straight.

Odd, huh?
Actress Pamela Anderson wants to remove the bust of KFC founder Colonel Sanders from the Kentucky State capital saying it is a monument to cruelty for chickens. That’s kind of ironic, Pamela Anderson being opposed to a bust.

Not a big favorite
The most popular pet in New York is the French  Poodle; the least popular pet in New York? A parrot named “Bird Flu” Bobby.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
A woman, Michelle Bachelet, was elected President of Chile; again, not sure he gets it, when informed the president of Chile was a woman, President Bush said; “Is she President of Stagg Chili or Hormel Chili?”

Not since then, huh?
During the Chicago Bears close fought 29-21 loss to the Carolina Panthers, Chicago Bear All Pro linebacker Brian Urlacher made an amazing interception leaping up in the air to catch the pass. It is the wildest catch Urlacher has made since Paris Hilton threw him a piece.

Shelly, Shelly baby
In sad news, Shelly Winters passed away; in her day, Shelly was quite the Hollywood party girl. Not to put too fine a point on it, but Shelly Winters would have made Tara Reid and Paris Hilton look like Mother Teresa and the Virgin Mary.

Shelly Winters had flings with Marlon Brando, Errol Flynn, Clark Gable, Humphrey Bogart and a yearly Christmas hook up with William Holden. In fact, there are less movie star handprints under the stars on Hollywood Blvd than there were on Shelly Winter’s ass.

In the forties and fifties in Hollywood, the favorite seasons for male movie stars were the hot summers and the Shelly Winters.

White Trash recycling
The latest rumor? At Britney Spears’s Dad’s poker software launch in Las Vegas, Kevin Federline made a move on Paris Hilton and his cufflink caught on Paris’s dress strap; Can you imagine if Paris and K-Fed got together? It would be the white trash Power Ball Lottery.

What if Paris and Kevin Federline had a baby? That child would be so stupid it could be President of the United States.

Get it?
The “American Idol” judges were on “The Tonight Show.” I hear the feud between Simon Cowell and Ryan Seacrest is over. Just today I heard Simon tell Ryan, “I wish I knew how to quit you.”

In fact, Ryan and Simon are going on a fishing trip but they ain’t catchin’ no fish.

Paula Abdul was on “The Tonight Show.” I here Paula is so amazed by how bad some of the “American Idol” singers were, she almost fell off her contestant.

Wide, Wide right
Today in Indianapolis, even people who didn’t have Martin Luther King day off, were so upset over the Colts loss that they decided to say home and they completely Vanderjagt work.  

Just not the same
Today we honor Martin Luther King. Remember when our leaders had famous lines like King’s “I have a dream”? The closest we have now is congressman saying; “I have a bribe scheme.”

Since you asked:

How about that blown call when they reversed a Troy Polamalu’s interception? The ref ruled that Polamalu’s knee was down before he could execute “a football move.” Maybe it’s just me, but the NFL should change how they rule a catch to how they do it in every other single sport in the world: a catch is a catch when the ball - stay with me now - doesn’t hit the freakin’ damn ground.

How good was Steeler safety Troy Polamalu in Pittsburgh’s win over the Colts? Every defensive coordinator in the NFL has now ordered their players to wear a Diana Ross wig.  

USC isn’t just dominating college football, their alumni are dominating the NFL. And that is going to continue next year. This will be the first time that a backup running back, LenDale White, goes in the first round of the NFL draft.  

But then this weekend confirmed what my dead last place Fantasy Football team had already proven: what I know about the NFL is Dinky Doo.

Yes, folks, I got all of my picks wrong this weekend. 0-4. That’s not easy to do. Only lost real coin on the Bears, but still, for a guy who thinks he knows a lot about football, for a guy who is actually paid by several sources to write jokes about football, for a guy who used to consider himself a pretty good football player, I don’t know squat about football.

Remember the legendary story about a furious Vince Lombardi screaming to his Green Bay Players?

“It is clear none of you can remember the basics about football, so we are going to start at the beginning. (Holding up a football) “Gentleman, this is a football.”

And legendary wise-ass Max McGee shot out;

“Wait a minute, coach, not so fast.”

Everyone turned to McGee in utter horror as Lombardi turned his back, and as they waited for the inevitable temper explosion, they were shocked and greatly relieved – especially Max - to see Lombardi shaking up and down in desperate and futile attempt to stifle a laugh.  

Well, that’s me. Wait a minute coach, not so fast.