Friday, January 20, 2006

We in between the me

We in between the mean in this machine, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

So mean
The Center for Disease Control says if beer prices went up 20% gonorrhea in young adults would go down 9%. And it would go down a lot more than that for fat and ugly people.

Federal health officials are investigating claims that erectile dysfunction drugs, like Viagra and Levitra, cause eye damage. Not for the men taking it, for the women who are kneeling too close.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
The government has launched a mission to Pluto. It was awkward, when told about the mission to Pluto, President Bush said; “Now we will finally find out why Pluto can’t talk but Goofy can.”

Why so mean?
The New Orleans Saints hired a new coach named Sean Payton. Sean Payton is no relation to the Colts QB Peyton Manning because this Payton may actually win a playoff game.

Again, mean
A cab driver in Maui is accusing Paris Hilton of urinating in his cab and claims he has proof; the cab driver knew something was wrong when he smelled something that stunk worse than he did.

Once more, mean
New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin blamed hurricanes on god being angry at the US. And god must be particularly angry at the folks of New Orleans because he gave them such a crazy-ass mayor.

Classy Paris
A cab driver in Maui is accusing a drunk Paris Hilton of urinating in his cab and claims he has proof; and you thought Paris Hilton pissed you off?

Between her sex video, her cat fights with countless celebrities, drunken displays and now urinating in a cab, if Paris isn’t careful, she could start to look undignified.

Stand up guy
In an audio tape, Osama bin Laden has offered the United States a truce against terrorism; and if we can’t trust a stand up guy like Osama to keep his word, who can we trust?

A Nice Change
In the New York Knicks 106-104 loss to the Chicago Bulls NBA star Antonio Davis charged into the stands to defend his wife from an abusive Chicago fan; nobody blames Davis, and it was also the first time in history the words NBA star and defends his wife have ever appeared together.

Well, it wasn’t
The movie “Brokeback Mountain” won the Golden Globe for best song; and, no, the song was not Elton John’s “Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy.”

Since you asked:
Oh, I see how you are. So I like to watch "The Food Network" you are going to call me a disparaging name for homosexual males – not that there is a single thing wrong with that - that rhymes with a Booster?

Well, you have not seen Rachel Ray and Giada De Laurentis. Dammit. Whether De Laurantis’s “Everyday Italian” or Ray’s “Thirty Minute Meals” these womenzeses are hotter than an overdone meatloaf.

Plus it is really fun to watch them and play a game I like to call:

“Cooking Dirty Double Entendres.”

It is so fun and easy. For example, in your best Bill Murray's "Caddy Shack" Carl Spacker pervy voice, like when he says; “Wait up girls, I got a salami I gotta hide” when Rachel Ray says; "Let your dough rise" you growl, with you lip jutted to the side; “I got your dough rising right here, Rachel.” When Giada says “Let the sauce boil” you leer, “I’ll make your sauce boil.”

See? It is really fun.

The other day I was in heaven playing “CDDE” drinking a glass of red and enjoying pistachio nuts, when Rachel said;

“Now shove the pork into the oven.”

I yelled;

“Oh come on, Rachel, if you’re going to make too easy it’s no fun to play.”

But don’t play during Bobby Flay’s “Boy Meets Grill” because, gay or straight, man or woman, that is just sick.