Friday, November 18, 2005

November 18

Hey budahbabe, howbeyoubeyoube, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Sex facts
According to “Men’s Health” magazine, men use 143 muscles during sex. But then it only takes 45 muscles afterwards to apologize profusely.

You might guess
The town of Clark, TX has agreed to change its name to Dish in exchange for ten years of free satellite dish service. And you won’t believe what the men want for free in Beaver, Utah.

Oh brothel, I mean brother
Former Hollywood Madam Hiedi Fliess is opening a brothel for women with male prostitutes. Right now Hiedi is running two specials, the $300, “Honey, can we have a long talk?” and the $500, “Here is your list of chores, dear, then we can cuddle.”

According to Ikea 11% of people have sex in their kitchen. Think about that the next time the sweet little old lady across the street bakes you brownies.

According to Ikea 11% of people have sex in their kitchen. Upon hearing this, Paris Hilton said; “Eww, that sounds hot, but, like, what’s a kitchen?”

T.O. reductemy
Philadelphia Eagle quarterback Donovan McNabb has been advised to have season ending groin surgery. The good news? McNabb already had the procedure to remove his chronic pain in his butt: they canned Terrell Owens.  

We can all be thankful
“Star Trek’s” Capt Kirk, William Shatner, is auctioning his kidney stone on eBay. I think we can all be thankful Shatner didn’t have colon polyps.

Hope not
NBC cancelled, “The Apprentice: Martha Stewart” Gosh, I hope this doesn’t cause ex-con Martha to return to her old gang banging thug-life.

NBC cancelled, “The Apprentice: Martha Stewart.” It was kind of nice how they fired Martha, NBC sent her a calligraphy cotton candy shaded pink slip.

Not enough pot

The Jones Soda Co. has come out with another whacky flavor: salmon pâté soda. Even Snoop Dog couldn’t get stoned enough to try that.

It was either salmon pâté or their other new flavor: Manhattan Style Hot Dog Water.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

November 17 2

Why we all up on the down low, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

“Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it . . .”

It was a little embarrassing when President Bush was in Japan: he ordered his sushi cooked medium rare.

Work out
According to “Men’s Health” magazine, men use 143 muscles during sex. And that doesn’t even count the kneeling and begging.

And we wonder
While shopping at a Las Vegas kinky lingerie store to buy an S&M whip, Paris Hilton was bitten by her pet monkey. And we actually wonder why other countries despise us.

I’ll order take out
According to Ikea, 11% of people have sex in their kitchen. This will bring new meaning this Thanksgiving to stuffing the turkey.

According to Ikea, 11% of people have sex in their kitchen. And, as a direct result of this survey, sales of kitchen cleaner disinfectant have skyrocketed.

Good move
In Vienna, scientist have built a computerized toilet that they are calling “a toilet with a brain.” You know the very first thing the toilet with a brain did? It applied for a different job.

We give you plenty
President Bush angered Chinese leaders this week when he said that they needed to open China to Democracy. In addition, Bush further angered the Chinese when he asked for more duck sauce.

Not good
A company called Navtones is now selling a navigational system for cars that features the voices of celebrities. Here’s a safety tip: don’t get one with the voices of Lindsay Lohan or Billy Joel.

“People” has named Matthew McConaughey the sexiest man alive; if you ask me I think it’s criminal how they snubbed Dick Cheney.

For the first time ever, the Country Music Awards were held in New York City. This explains the brand new country songs; “What do you mean you ain’t a Woman?” “Times Square Girls Sure Are Friendly” and “My New Twenty buck Rolex It Don’t Work So Good No More.”

Stiff penalty
Major League Baseball announced much harsher steroid rules. Yeah, now the New York Mets will be subject to a 50 game suspension if they don’t start taking steroids.

Build it and they will come
The NFL informed Kansas City that they would be awarded a Super Bowl when they build a roof on their stadium; and the Kansas City Royals will be awarded a World Series when they build an air conditioner in hell.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it . . .
It was a little awkward when they asked President Bush what he thought of the Orient and he said; “But I thought we were in Asia?”

Since you asked:
Everybody says that people are ruder but nobody thinks they are rude.

New rule: We need to pass legislation to create roving squads of A-hole Identifiers, a squad of stealthy and qualified people trained to spot the A-holes among us and then authorized to spray them in the face with indelible blue paint marking them so that we will know they have been marked as an A-hole before we give them a chance to be one.

When someone yammers on a cell phone in front of a captive audience, they get sprayed.

Name your kid a goofy name and correct people who don’t pronounce it exactly how you want them to? Blue times two.

More than ten items in the ten items or less, they get sprayed.

Park in the fire zone, they get sprayed.

Yell at a waiter or bartender, they get sprayed.

Do not stop for pedestrians when driving but once parked demand that cars stop for them, get sprayed.

Not dignify a friendly hi with a response, get sprayed.

Cut off someone in traffic without the blinker, get pulled over and then sprayed.

Hang a long slow diagonal parking lot walk when a driver is waiting to go by, get sprayed.

Add the and ster to a guy’s name, as in The Dougster, got a bath of blue.

Own a pit bull, get sprayed.

Take extra long to get ready because somebody is waiting for their parking spot, get sprayed.

Honk their horn after they were the one who didn’t wait their turn at the four way stop, pulled over, get slapped and then sprayed.

Suburban white kids who talk ghetto? Bathed in blue ink. Especially Kevin Federline.

Use the word issue more than five times in one day? Blue is your hue.

Grown men who wear Lycra shorts in public? How blue are you? Too blue.

Take three practice swings and take forever to line up your putt and you aren’t on the PGA tour? How do you do, mister blue?

Say F.Y.I. and not be kidding? You is blue too.

Think how helpful this will be. All over the country, people will be asking why the guy with the bad hair and blue face is firing people on “The Apprentice”. Entire NBA teams will not be divided by race, they will all be blue. Think of how Bill O’Reilly’s face will be bright blue thanks to Hi Def TV. Tom Cruise and Russell Crowe will be forced to only take roles where they play Smerfs. Jesse Jackson will shake down companies that are biased against blue people. The guy spraying Ted Kennedy will run out of blue spray by the time he is done with Kennedy’s forehead.

Any more suggestions are welcomed

November 17

OK, who up and done pimped our hooptie, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Just you wait
A San Bernardino women is going to marry a man who went to prison for holding her hostage and shooting her in the groin. Oh sure, a woman can forgive that, but the minute he forgets to put down the toilet seat she’ll dump him so fast his head will spin.

Running clean
They now have hybrid cabs in New York City. They’re pretty amazing. The cabs run solely on the power generated by the ugliness of the cab drivers.

They now have hybrid cabs in New York City. These cabs run so clean they no longer mask the smell of the street’s rancid garbage.

They now have hybrid cabs in New York City. The good news is that passengers will no longer have to smell the dirty exhaust, the bad news? Nothing will mask the smell of the cab drivers.

Not a problem
In heath news, KFC is going to air commercials that claim their customers have nothing to fear from the bird flu; it’s true, they’ll be dead from heart disease long before the bird flu can get them.

Monkey business
While shopping for lingerie In Las Vegas, Paris Hilton was bitten by her pet monkey; this is the worst fight Paris has had with a pet monkey since, well, Nicole Richey.  

While shopping for lingerie In Las Vegas, Paris Hilton was bitten by her pet monkey. Oh, that’s horrible, I hate to hear that. Gosh, I sure hope the monkey doesn’t catch anything nasty.

While shopping for lingerie In Las Vegas, Paris Hilton was bitten by her pet monkey. But don’t worry, the monkey will be fine, luckily it was wearing a condom at the time.

While shopping in Las Vegas, Paris Hilton was bitten by her pet monkey. Apparently the monkey was angry because his father threatened to cut off his trust fund if it kept dating Paris Hilton.

While shopping in Las Vegas, Paris Hilton was bitten by her pet monkey. The monkey was angry because it heard Paris had cheated on him with Michael Jackson’s monkey.

Thought better
Things are not looking good for Terrell Owens. On the condition of anonymity, one NFL General Manager said he thought seriously about signing Owens but he then decided to do something far less painful and aggravating: shave his backside with a cheese-grater.

In an interview, Celine Dion admitted she rarely leaves her Las Vegas suite because she is afraid of germs from the tourists. To which one offended Las Vegas tourist replied that if music is indeed the doctor – as the Doobie Brothers sing – then Celine Dion is the rectal exam.

Odd couple
In an interview, Oprah Winfry claimed she owed all of her television success to a date with film critic Roger Ebert. That’s surprising. Roger Ebert once had a date with a woman?

In an interview, Oprah Winfry claimed she owed all of her television success to a date with Roger Ebert. Well no wonder Ebert gave the Spike Lee movie “Jungle Fever” two thumbs up.

Charge it to anonymous
Madonna has a new album out called “Confessions on a Dance Floor.” It is doing quite well, in fact, Madonna’s new dance album has set a music industry record for most copies purchased by people who would never, ever, admit they bought an album by Madonna.

Madonna has a new album out called “Confessions on a Dance Floor.” You have to hand it to Madonna, has been at it so long in just a few more year most of us will have forgotten what a lousy actress she is.

Who would have guessed?
I had a weird thing happen to me today. I went into the bathroom at Home Depot and there were two Carolina Panther cheerleaders glued to the toilet seat.

Guys like me
Guys absolutely refuse to let this Carolina Panther lesbian cheerleader story go. And why would we? It has just about everything guys want: booze, a cat fight, football, cheerleaders and lipstick lesbians. Throw in a grilled steak and a backrub and we can die happy.

Now that’s annoying
Rioting continues in France. It’s been going on for over two weeks.  In fact, the rioters have been so bad for so long even the French are beginning to find them annoying.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

November 16

We got us a minor case of the funky up in this here hizzified hizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Record breaking
Chicago Bears Nathan Vasher set an NFL record for returning a kick 108 yards; in a related story, the Philadelphia Eagles front office set an NFL record for not returning Terrell Owen’s phone calls.

Turtle coffee
A woman in Iowa found a dead turtle in her can of Folger’s coffee; the good news? The turtle coffee doesn’t give you the jitters, it actually slows you way down.

Thanks a lot
A new medical study reveals that working out doesn’t make a cold worse; that’s just what I needed, another excuse for not working out down the drain.

Remember the two lesbian-sex Carolina Panthers fired cheerleaders? They are probably going to appear together in “Penthouse” magazine. Great, as if it wasn’t hard enough to get the Minnesota Vikings to make it out to practice.

Get it?
A nursing home in Ireland, St. Mary’s, now has a bar. Yeah, the old women are lining up because they heard they can finally get a shot of Old Grandad.

Not again
In Florida, a 37-year-old was arrested for sleeping with a 15-year-old boy. When did all of these older women start sleeping with teenage boys? When I was a teenager the only older women I ever bagged was when I packed up their groceries at the grocery store.

OK, enough is enough with the cell phones, folks
They arrested the Virginia woman who robbed four banks while on her cell phone. How rude and lazy have we become when someone needs to be entertained while robbing a bank? What’s next? “Hand over all your money as soon as I’m done watching this porn on my video iPod.”

You know people are actually downloading porn on hand held video players? This will bring a whole new meaning to the term Palm Pilot.

Some people just don’t get the latest technology. Me? I’m technically savvy, but the other day I told a woman that I didn’t have my Palm Pilot and I wanted to Google on her Blackberry; she slapped me and charged me with sexual harassment.

Mayor Dude
The small town of Hillsdale Michigan, has elected an 18-year-old high school senior, Mike Sessions as their new mayor. Sessions then immediately introduced legislation that would legally require the hot girl in his French class to like totally make out with him.

Sessions immediately introduced legislation that would make it illegal for poser dudes to be like totally bogus.

Right tool for the job
A Russian scientist has developed a surveillance camera mounted on live turtles; this is perfect for documenting those FEMA emergency responses.

Again, not again
In Florida, a 37-year-old was arrested for sleeping with a 15-year-old boy. In addition she faces an additional charge of impersonating a teacher.

It was Oprah’s show’s 20th anniversary. That’s an amazing record. Twenty years and not one single guy has ever once tuned in.

Sort like that
NBC cancelled “Apprentice: Martha Stewart.” That’s pretty bad when NBC cancels your show. That’s like Terrell Owens telling you you’re acting like an ass.

Again, again, not again
Did you hear about the 41-year-old Colorado “cool mom” who did drugs, drank and had sex with teenage boys? She was sentenced to 30 years in prison. And the boys she had sex with? They were sentenced to 50 years of bragging to their friends about it.

Sorta kinda like that
President Bush’s brother, Fla. Gov. Jeb Bush is said to be interested in running for President. Jeb Bush is frequently described as the smartest Bush brother. That’s like describing Ashlee Simpson as the least moronic Simpson sister.

Since you asked:
What is the deal with all of these older women having sex with teenage boys? It is nothing less than an epidemic and it absolutely infuriates me. Why? Because it never happened to me when I was a teenager. My English teacher Mrs. Golden in her miniskirt? DAAAAMMIT!

Let’s all stop being hypocrites for ten minutes. You know what you call it when an older woman has sex with a teenage boy? Immeasurable generosity and benevolence. You don’t send people to prison for thirty years for kindness of spirit, you reward them. Folks, we all know only too well that there are double standards and this is one of them.

If you insist on sending someone to prison when an older women has sex with a teenage boy, fine. Send the idiotic teenage boy to prison for ratting the woman out when he had such a good thing going. What the hell is the matter with these clowns? Don’t have these women arrested, you morons. Take notes. Learn from them. They can teach you things that will get you where you want to be with that hot cheerleader who now ignores you in English class.

Since you asked, deuce:
To whomever is developing more ways to communicate, we now have enough cell phones, pagers, text messages, junk e-mails, Blackberries, Palm Pilots, instant messaging, junk faxes and, yes, blogs. What we need is to create people who actually have something interesting to say. I don’t need more ways for some idiot to send me a junk e-mail to tell me how to please my woman written in Russian. She’s happy, trust me. Really. No, seriously. Why? What did you hear? Did she say something?

Monday, November 14, 2005

November 11

Off the hook, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

As usual
There was a husband and wife suicide bomb attack in Jordan but the wife’s bomb didn’t go off. As usual the man finished way too early.

So rude
A woman in Virginia was caught on surveillance tape robbing four banks while chatting on her cell phone. How does that work? “Hand over all your money or . . . oh, sorry, I have to take this.”

Instead of sneezing you chirp
I think I may be catching that bird flu; the other day I was watching TNT’s “Inside the NBA” and when I saw Charles Barkley, I had the urge sit on his head and hatch it.

A bad case of TB
On Fox NFL Sunday, they revealed that Louisiana named a highway after Terry Bradshaw. This highway is little different: you can only drive on it if your tires are bald.

This Terry Bradshaw highway is a little different. It’s the only highway in the country where it is legal to laugh hysterically at your own idiotic comments.

Here is my question about Louisiana’s Terry Bradshaw highway. If your wife is also your sister, does she count as two people for the express lane?

On “Fox NFL Sunday” they repeatedly mocked how Terrell Owens greasy agent, Drew Rosenhaus, hogged the spot light at the press conference following T.O.’s apology by answering every single question with the words next question. Here’s my question: why didn’t anyone ask; “Is it true that only an idiot answers questions with the words next question?”

Now that’s hard

During the Minnesota Vikings pulled off a 24-21 win over the New York Giants, the Vikings 6ft 8 inch coach Mike Tice was cut down by a sprawling Giant and went down hard. In fact, that is the hardest anyone has hit on a Viking since the drunken boat trip.  

Not since then
The Baltimore Orioles have announced they will not re-sign disgraced steroid user Rafael Palmeiro. This is the biggest let down for Palmeiro since before he started taking Viagra.

Ugh. He did the right thing
The survivor-wife of the married suicide Jordan bombers, Sajidi Mubarak Atrous al-Rishawi, was arrested. Officials were curious why, when his wife’s bombs failed to detonate, the husband detonated his anyway. That is until Sajidi Mubarak Atrous al-Rishawi took off her veil.

Taking the p*ss, as the Brits say
The Rolling Stones have received rave reviews for their concerts up and down California. In the wake of the warm reception for Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles, this has been a good time in California for old, rich ugly British men.


You don’t think Hollywood is a fun town? Tom Cruise fired his publicist sister right before the Holidays. That should make for a fun Thanksgiving dinner. “Oh, speaking of turkey, which was a bigger box office turkey, Tom “Vanilla Sky” or “Magnolia”?

Madonna announced she is through with acting. Have you seen Madonna? She’s 47 and she looks great. If she wanted to, Madonna could go on making horrible movies for another thirty years.

Madonna has finally fully recovered from her bad horse riding fall on her 47th birthday in August; it was Madonna’s worst fall since the time she slipped off being on top of Dennis Rodman.

Bad sign
The Rolling Stones received rave reviews for their concerts in California. Did you know that, from orders straight from the band, no alcohol is served once the Stones start playing? That’s gotta hurt to know Keith Richards has just cut you off.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

November 11

Let every song be your favorite tune, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

"Hand over all your loot. Oops, sorry, I gotta take this . . ."
A woman in Virginia was caught on surveillance tape robbing four banks while chatting on her cell phone. The amazing part? Robbing a bank and yammering on a cell phone still isn’t as annoying as people who drive and talk on their cell phones.

You know who her accomplice was? The Verizon “Can you hear me now? Good.” guy.

Training the experts
It’s that time of year, the pre-Thanksgiving training of the frozen Turkey helpline experts: “OK, did you take out the bag of giblets? OK, is the oven on? Good. I think the only thing you forgot was to put the turkey IN the oven. No, don’t thank me, that’s why I’m here.”

The USC Trojans have not lost since 2003; to show how long that is, 2003 is the last time a USC football player was seen in a class room.

Did you know the only class Heisman trophy winner USC quarterback Matt Leinhart has this Fall is ballroom dancing? This fact prompted the USC center to ask Leinhart; “Now, when you put your hands under my butt, it’s all about just hiking the ball, right?”

That marriage blew up
al Qaeda claims the Jordan suicide bombers were a married couple; see, I don’t think that would work, I would have already blown myself up and my wife would be saying, “I’ll be there in a minute, let me fix my hair.”

al Qaeda claims the Jordan suicide bombers were a married couple; apparently the guy’s wife offered him a chance to talk about their relationship or blow themselves up.

Trend setters
You know what the latest trend is in Hollywood? Serving sushi on the body of a beautiful naked female model. You know the second biggest trend? Guy’s who make inappropriate tuna jokes.

Suspended Philadelphia Eagle Terrell Owens has his Atlanta suburb mansion up for sale; the house has six bedrooms and ten bathrooms, all the bathrooms come stocked with Donovan McNabb toilet paper.

Can you blame them?
There has been night after the night of violent rioting in France; apparently even the French don’t like the French.

Since you asked:

Saw the Rolling Stones at the first concert ever in PETCO Park in San Diego. There is one word that keeps coming back to me about that glorious night: Proud.

I was proud of the fun we had at dinner with new friends and the amazingly good food at a cool little place in the Gaslamp called "Chive." Right after dinner I was extremely proud of our amazingly good seats – we were in row nine. As in just nine of those little plastic chair rows from the stage – that another good friend got us from her brother, who just happens to be the business manager of a little band called The Rolling Stones.

I was proud of how pretty my wife, Virginia, looked, proud of the great looking crowd, proud that I have the good sense to love the Rolling Stones and keenly proud of how great our city and new ball park looked that night. It was PETCO Park’s prom.

But all of that pride cannot compare to the chest bursting joy I felt when the Rolling Stones exploded onto the stage with fire, fireworks and the blazing chords to “Start Me Up.” It filled me with pride to see plus sixty-year-old British mega-millionaires tearing the $9 million dollar stage apart.

As a harmonica lover, I went particularly insane over their ripping rendition of the always awesome “Midnight Rambler.” And when the small middle part of the stage dislodged and went out into the crowd, it came back when they tore up “Honky Tonk Woman” and Mick was, at one point, about twenty feet away.

One certain 62-year-old Brit kicked my ass. Mick Jagger sprinted, he skipped, he jumped, he cajoled, he crowed, he howled, he pranced, he gyrated and at one point, I’m not positive, but I think he flew. (Now that could be the Kettle one vodka tonics talking)

How good were our seats? When the Stones’s venerable and classy drummer, Charlie Watts, strolled to the front of the stage and casually tossed his drum sticks into the crowd, one hit the guy six seats in from me.

Oh, and the scorchingly hot little 26-year-old brunette who kept "accidentally" bumping against me all night wasn’t bad either, but don’t tell my wife.