November 17

OK, who up and done pimped our hooptie, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?



Just you wait
A San Bernardino women is going to marry a man who went to prison for holding her hostage and shooting her in the groin. Oh sure, a woman can forgive that, but the minute he forgets to put down the toilet seat she’ll dump him so fast his head will spin.


Running clean
They now have hybrid cabs in New York City. They’re pretty amazing. The cabs run solely on the power generated by the ugliness of the cab drivers.


They now have hybrid cabs in New York City. These cabs run so clean they no longer mask the smell of the street’s rancid garbage.


They now have hybrid cabs in New York City. The good news is that passengers will no longer have to smell the dirty exhaust, the bad news? Nothing will mask the smell of the cab drivers.


Not a problem
In heath news, KFC is going to air commercials that claim their customers have nothing to fear from the bird flu; it’s true, they’ll be dead from heart disease long before the bird flu can get them.



Monkey business
While shopping for lingerie In Las Vegas, Paris Hilton was bitten by her pet monkey; this is the worst fight Paris has had with a pet monkey since, well, Nicole Richey.  


While shopping for lingerie In Las Vegas, Paris Hilton was bitten by her pet monkey. Oh, that’s horrible, I hate to hear that. Gosh, I sure hope the monkey doesn’t catch anything nasty.


While shopping for lingerie In Las Vegas, Paris Hilton was bitten by her pet monkey. But don’t worry, the monkey will be fine, luckily it was wearing a condom at the time.


While shopping in Las Vegas, Paris Hilton was bitten by her pet monkey. Apparently the monkey was angry because his father threatened to cut off his trust fund if it kept dating Paris Hilton.


While shopping in Las Vegas, Paris Hilton was bitten by her pet monkey. The monkey was angry because it heard Paris had cheated on him with Michael Jackson’s monkey.





Thought better
Things are not looking good for Terrell Owens. On the condition of anonymity, one NFL General Manager said he thought seriously about signing Owens but he then decided to do something far less painful and aggravating: shave his backside with a cheese-grater.


Ouch
In an interview, Celine Dion admitted she rarely leaves her Las Vegas suite because she is afraid of germs from the tourists. To which one offended Las Vegas tourist replied that if music is indeed the doctor – as the Doobie Brothers sing – then Celine Dion is the rectal exam.



Odd couple
In an interview, Oprah Winfry claimed she owed all of her television success to a date with film critic Roger Ebert. That’s surprising. Roger Ebert once had a date with a woman?


In an interview, Oprah Winfry claimed she owed all of her television success to a date with Roger Ebert. Well no wonder Ebert gave the Spike Lee movie “Jungle Fever” two thumbs up.


Charge it to anonymous
Madonna has a new album out called “Confessions on a Dance Floor.” It is doing quite well, in fact, Madonna’s new dance album has set a music industry record for most copies purchased by people who would never, ever, admit they bought an album by Madonna.


Madonna has a new album out called “Confessions on a Dance Floor.” You have to hand it to Madonna, has been at it so long in just a few more year most of us will have forgotten what a lousy actress she is.


Who would have guessed?
I had a weird thing happen to me today. I went into the bathroom at Home Depot and there were two Carolina Panther cheerleaders glued to the toilet seat.


Guys like me
Guys absolutely refuse to let this Carolina Panther lesbian cheerleader story go. And why would we? It has just about everything guys want: booze, a cat fight, football, cheerleaders and lipstick lesbians. Throw in a grilled steak and a backrub and we can die happy.


Now that’s annoying
Rioting continues in France. It’s been going on for over two weeks.  In fact, the rioters have been so bad for so long even the French are beginning to find them annoying.