November 16
We got us a minor case of the funky up in this here hizzified hizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
Record breaking
Chicago Bears Nathan Vasher set an NFL record for returning a kick 108 yards; in a related story, the Philadelphia Eagles front office set an NFL record for not returning Terrell Owen’s phone calls.
Turtle coffee
A woman in Iowa found a dead turtle in her can of Folger’s coffee; the good news? The turtle coffee doesn’t give you the jitters, it actually slows you way down.
Thanks a lot
A new medical study reveals that working out doesn’t make a cold worse; that’s just what I needed, another excuse for not working out down the drain.
Sheesh
Remember the two lesbian-sex Carolina Panthers fired cheerleaders? They are probably going to appear together in “Penthouse” magazine. Great, as if it wasn’t hard enough to get the Minnesota Vikings to make it out to practice.
Get it?
A nursing home in Ireland, St. Mary’s, now has a bar. Yeah, the old women are lining up because they heard they can finally get a shot of Old Grandad.
Not again
In Florida, a 37-year-old was arrested for sleeping with a 15-year-old boy. When did all of these older women start sleeping with teenage boys? When I was a teenager the only older women I ever bagged was when I packed up their groceries at the grocery store.
OK, enough is enough with the cell phones, folks
They arrested the Virginia woman who robbed four banks while on her cell phone. How rude and lazy have we become when someone needs to be entertained while robbing a bank? What’s next? “Hand over all your money as soon as I’m done watching this porn on my video iPod.”
You know people are actually downloading porn on hand held video players? This will bring a whole new meaning to the term Palm Pilot.
Some people just don’t get the latest technology. Me? I’m technically savvy, but the other day I told a woman that I didn’t have my Palm Pilot and I wanted to Google on her Blackberry; she slapped me and charged me with sexual harassment.
Mayor Dude
The small town of Hillsdale Michigan, has elected an 18-year-old high school senior, Mike Sessions as their new mayor. Sessions then immediately introduced legislation that would legally require the hot girl in his French class to like totally make out with him.
Sessions immediately introduced legislation that would make it illegal for poser dudes to be like totally bogus.
Right tool for the job
A Russian scientist has developed a surveillance camera mounted on live turtles; this is perfect for documenting those FEMA emergency responses.
Again, not again
In Florida, a 37-year-old was arrested for sleeping with a 15-year-old boy. In addition she faces an additional charge of impersonating a teacher.
Amazing
It was Oprah’s show’s 20th anniversary. That’s an amazing record. Twenty years and not one single guy has ever once tuned in.
Sort like that
NBC cancelled “Apprentice: Martha Stewart.” That’s pretty bad when NBC cancels your show. That’s like Terrell Owens telling you you’re acting like an ass.
Again, again, not again
Did you hear about the 41-year-old Colorado “cool mom” who did drugs, drank and had sex with teenage boys? She was sentenced to 30 years in prison. And the boys she had sex with? They were sentenced to 50 years of bragging to their friends about it.
Sorta kinda like that
President Bush’s brother, Fla. Gov. Jeb Bush is said to be interested in running for President. Jeb Bush is frequently described as the smartest Bush brother. That’s like describing Ashlee Simpson as the least moronic Simpson sister.
Since you asked:
What is the deal with all of these older women having sex with teenage boys? It is nothing less than an epidemic and it absolutely infuriates me. Why? Because it never happened to me when I was a teenager. My English teacher Mrs. Golden in her miniskirt? DAAAAMMIT!
Let’s all stop being hypocrites for ten minutes. You know what you call it when an older woman has sex with a teenage boy? Immeasurable generosity and benevolence. You don’t send people to prison for thirty years for kindness of spirit, you reward them. Folks, we all know only too well that there are double standards and this is one of them.
If you insist on sending someone to prison when an older women has sex with a teenage boy, fine. Send the idiotic teenage boy to prison for ratting the woman out when he had such a good thing going. What the hell is the matter with these clowns? Don’t have these women arrested, you morons. Take notes. Learn from them. They can teach you things that will get you where you want to be with that hot cheerleader who now ignores you in English class.
Since you asked, deuce:
To whomever is developing more ways to communicate, we now have enough cell phones, pagers, text messages, junk e-mails, Blackberries, Palm Pilots, instant messaging, junk faxes and, yes, blogs. What we need is to create people who actually have something interesting to say. I don’t need more ways for some idiot to send me a junk e-mail to tell me how to please my woman written in Russian. She’s happy, trust me. Really. No, seriously. Why? What did you hear? Did she say something?
Record breaking
Chicago Bears Nathan Vasher set an NFL record for returning a kick 108 yards; in a related story, the Philadelphia Eagles front office set an NFL record for not returning Terrell Owen’s phone calls.
Turtle coffee
A woman in Iowa found a dead turtle in her can of Folger’s coffee; the good news? The turtle coffee doesn’t give you the jitters, it actually slows you way down.
Thanks a lot
A new medical study reveals that working out doesn’t make a cold worse; that’s just what I needed, another excuse for not working out down the drain.
Sheesh
Remember the two lesbian-sex Carolina Panthers fired cheerleaders? They are probably going to appear together in “Penthouse” magazine. Great, as if it wasn’t hard enough to get the Minnesota Vikings to make it out to practice.
Get it?
A nursing home in Ireland, St. Mary’s, now has a bar. Yeah, the old women are lining up because they heard they can finally get a shot of Old Grandad.
Not again
In Florida, a 37-year-old was arrested for sleeping with a 15-year-old boy. When did all of these older women start sleeping with teenage boys? When I was a teenager the only older women I ever bagged was when I packed up their groceries at the grocery store.
OK, enough is enough with the cell phones, folks
They arrested the Virginia woman who robbed four banks while on her cell phone. How rude and lazy have we become when someone needs to be entertained while robbing a bank? What’s next? “Hand over all your money as soon as I’m done watching this porn on my video iPod.”
You know people are actually downloading porn on hand held video players? This will bring a whole new meaning to the term Palm Pilot.
Some people just don’t get the latest technology. Me? I’m technically savvy, but the other day I told a woman that I didn’t have my Palm Pilot and I wanted to Google on her Blackberry; she slapped me and charged me with sexual harassment.
Mayor Dude
The small town of Hillsdale Michigan, has elected an 18-year-old high school senior, Mike Sessions as their new mayor. Sessions then immediately introduced legislation that would legally require the hot girl in his French class to like totally make out with him.
Sessions immediately introduced legislation that would make it illegal for poser dudes to be like totally bogus.
Right tool for the job
A Russian scientist has developed a surveillance camera mounted on live turtles; this is perfect for documenting those FEMA emergency responses.
Again, not again
In Florida, a 37-year-old was arrested for sleeping with a 15-year-old boy. In addition she faces an additional charge of impersonating a teacher.
Amazing
It was Oprah’s show’s 20th anniversary. That’s an amazing record. Twenty years and not one single guy has ever once tuned in.
Sort like that
NBC cancelled “Apprentice: Martha Stewart.” That’s pretty bad when NBC cancels your show. That’s like Terrell Owens telling you you’re acting like an ass.
Again, again, not again
Did you hear about the 41-year-old Colorado “cool mom” who did drugs, drank and had sex with teenage boys? She was sentenced to 30 years in prison. And the boys she had sex with? They were sentenced to 50 years of bragging to their friends about it.
Sorta kinda like that
President Bush’s brother, Fla. Gov. Jeb Bush is said to be interested in running for President. Jeb Bush is frequently described as the smartest Bush brother. That’s like describing Ashlee Simpson as the least moronic Simpson sister.
Since you asked:
What is the deal with all of these older women having sex with teenage boys? It is nothing less than an epidemic and it absolutely infuriates me. Why? Because it never happened to me when I was a teenager. My English teacher Mrs. Golden in her miniskirt? DAAAAMMIT!
Let’s all stop being hypocrites for ten minutes. You know what you call it when an older woman has sex with a teenage boy? Immeasurable generosity and benevolence. You don’t send people to prison for thirty years for kindness of spirit, you reward them. Folks, we all know only too well that there are double standards and this is one of them.
If you insist on sending someone to prison when an older women has sex with a teenage boy, fine. Send the idiotic teenage boy to prison for ratting the woman out when he had such a good thing going. What the hell is the matter with these clowns? Don’t have these women arrested, you morons. Take notes. Learn from them. They can teach you things that will get you where you want to be with that hot cheerleader who now ignores you in English class.
Since you asked, deuce:
To whomever is developing more ways to communicate, we now have enough cell phones, pagers, text messages, junk e-mails, Blackberries, Palm Pilots, instant messaging, junk faxes and, yes, blogs. What we need is to create people who actually have something interesting to say. I don’t need more ways for some idiot to send me a junk e-mail to tell me how to please my woman written in Russian. She’s happy, trust me. Really. No, seriously. Why? What did you hear? Did she say something?
posted by Alex at
8:25 AM
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