November 17 2
Why we all up on the down low, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?
“Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it . . .”
It was a little embarrassing when President Bush was in Japan: he ordered his sushi cooked medium rare.
Work out
According to “Men’s Health” magazine, men use 143 muscles during sex. And that doesn’t even count the kneeling and begging.
And we wonder
While shopping at a Las Vegas kinky lingerie store to buy an S&M whip, Paris Hilton was bitten by her pet monkey. And we actually wonder why other countries despise us.
I’ll order take out
According to Ikea, 11% of people have sex in their kitchen. This will bring new meaning this Thanksgiving to stuffing the turkey.
According to Ikea, 11% of people have sex in their kitchen. And, as a direct result of this survey, sales of kitchen cleaner disinfectant have skyrocketed.
Good move
In Vienna, scientist have built a computerized toilet that they are calling “a toilet with a brain.” You know the very first thing the toilet with a brain did? It applied for a different job.
We give you plenty
President Bush angered Chinese leaders this week when he said that they needed to open China to Democracy. In addition, Bush further angered the Chinese when he asked for more duck sauce.
Not good
A company called Navtones is now selling a navigational system for cars that features the voices of celebrities. Here’s a safety tip: don’t get one with the voices of Lindsay Lohan or Billy Joel.
Wrong
“People” has named Matthew McConaughey the sexiest man alive; if you ask me I think it’s criminal how they snubbed Dick Cheney.
Catchy
For the first time ever, the Country Music Awards were held in New York City. This explains the brand new country songs; “What do you mean you ain’t a Woman?” “Times Square Girls Sure Are Friendly” and “My New Twenty buck Rolex It Don’t Work So Good No More.”
Stiff penalty
Major League Baseball announced much harsher steroid rules. Yeah, now the New York Mets will be subject to a 50 game suspension if they don’t start taking steroids.
Build it and they will come
The NFL informed Kansas City that they would be awarded a Super Bowl when they build a roof on their stadium; and the Kansas City Royals will be awarded a World Series when they build an air conditioner in hell.
Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it . . .
It was a little awkward when they asked President Bush what he thought of the Orient and he said; “But I thought we were in Asia?”
Since you asked:
Everybody says that people are ruder but nobody thinks they are rude.
New rule: We need to pass legislation to create roving squads of A-hole Identifiers, a squad of stealthy and qualified people trained to spot the A-holes among us and then authorized to spray them in the face with indelible blue paint marking them so that we will know they have been marked as an A-hole before we give them a chance to be one.
When someone yammers on a cell phone in front of a captive audience, they get sprayed.
Name your kid a goofy name and correct people who don’t pronounce it exactly how you want them to? Blue times two.
More than ten items in the ten items or less, they get sprayed.
Park in the fire zone, they get sprayed.
Yell at a waiter or bartender, they get sprayed.
Do not stop for pedestrians when driving but once parked demand that cars stop for them, get sprayed.
Not dignify a friendly hi with a response, get sprayed.
Cut off someone in traffic without the blinker, get pulled over and then sprayed.
Hang a long slow diagonal parking lot walk when a driver is waiting to go by, get sprayed.
Add the and ster to a guy’s name, as in The Dougster, got a bath of blue.
Own a pit bull, get sprayed.
Take extra long to get ready because somebody is waiting for their parking spot, get sprayed.
Honk their horn after they were the one who didn’t wait their turn at the four way stop, pulled over, get slapped and then sprayed.
Suburban white kids who talk ghetto? Bathed in blue ink. Especially Kevin Federline.
Use the word issue more than five times in one day? Blue is your hue.
Grown men who wear Lycra shorts in public? How blue are you? Too blue.
Take three practice swings and take forever to line up your putt and you aren’t on the PGA tour? How do you do, mister blue?
Say F.Y.I. and not be kidding? You is blue too.
Think how helpful this will be. All over the country, people will be asking why the guy with the bad hair and blue face is firing people on “The Apprentice”. Entire NBA teams will not be divided by race, they will all be blue. Think of how Bill O’Reilly’s face will be bright blue thanks to Hi Def TV. Tom Cruise and Russell Crowe will be forced to only take roles where they play Smerfs. Jesse Jackson will shake down companies that are biased against blue people. The guy spraying Ted Kennedy will run out of blue spray by the time he is done with Kennedy’s forehead.
Any more suggestions are welcomed
lexkase@san.rr.com
“Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it . . .”
It was a little embarrassing when President Bush was in Japan: he ordered his sushi cooked medium rare.
Work out
According to “Men’s Health” magazine, men use 143 muscles during sex. And that doesn’t even count the kneeling and begging.
And we wonder
While shopping at a Las Vegas kinky lingerie store to buy an S&M whip, Paris Hilton was bitten by her pet monkey. And we actually wonder why other countries despise us.
I’ll order take out
According to Ikea, 11% of people have sex in their kitchen. This will bring new meaning this Thanksgiving to stuffing the turkey.
According to Ikea, 11% of people have sex in their kitchen. And, as a direct result of this survey, sales of kitchen cleaner disinfectant have skyrocketed.
Good move
In Vienna, scientist have built a computerized toilet that they are calling “a toilet with a brain.” You know the very first thing the toilet with a brain did? It applied for a different job.
We give you plenty
President Bush angered Chinese leaders this week when he said that they needed to open China to Democracy. In addition, Bush further angered the Chinese when he asked for more duck sauce.
Not good
A company called Navtones is now selling a navigational system for cars that features the voices of celebrities. Here’s a safety tip: don’t get one with the voices of Lindsay Lohan or Billy Joel.
Wrong
“People” has named Matthew McConaughey the sexiest man alive; if you ask me I think it’s criminal how they snubbed Dick Cheney.
Catchy
For the first time ever, the Country Music Awards were held in New York City. This explains the brand new country songs; “What do you mean you ain’t a Woman?” “Times Square Girls Sure Are Friendly” and “My New Twenty buck Rolex It Don’t Work So Good No More.”
Stiff penalty
Major League Baseball announced much harsher steroid rules. Yeah, now the New York Mets will be subject to a 50 game suspension if they don’t start taking steroids.
Build it and they will come
The NFL informed Kansas City that they would be awarded a Super Bowl when they build a roof on their stadium; and the Kansas City Royals will be awarded a World Series when they build an air conditioner in hell.
Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it . . .
It was a little awkward when they asked President Bush what he thought of the Orient and he said; “But I thought we were in Asia?”
Since you asked:
Everybody says that people are ruder but nobody thinks they are rude.
New rule: We need to pass legislation to create roving squads of A-hole Identifiers, a squad of stealthy and qualified people trained to spot the A-holes among us and then authorized to spray them in the face with indelible blue paint marking them so that we will know they have been marked as an A-hole before we give them a chance to be one.
When someone yammers on a cell phone in front of a captive audience, they get sprayed.
Name your kid a goofy name and correct people who don’t pronounce it exactly how you want them to? Blue times two.
More than ten items in the ten items or less, they get sprayed.
Park in the fire zone, they get sprayed.
Yell at a waiter or bartender, they get sprayed.
Do not stop for pedestrians when driving but once parked demand that cars stop for them, get sprayed.
Not dignify a friendly hi with a response, get sprayed.
Cut off someone in traffic without the blinker, get pulled over and then sprayed.
Hang a long slow diagonal parking lot walk when a driver is waiting to go by, get sprayed.
Add the and ster to a guy’s name, as in The Dougster, got a bath of blue.
Own a pit bull, get sprayed.
Take extra long to get ready because somebody is waiting for their parking spot, get sprayed.
Honk their horn after they were the one who didn’t wait their turn at the four way stop, pulled over, get slapped and then sprayed.
Suburban white kids who talk ghetto? Bathed in blue ink. Especially Kevin Federline.
Use the word issue more than five times in one day? Blue is your hue.
Grown men who wear Lycra shorts in public? How blue are you? Too blue.
Take three practice swings and take forever to line up your putt and you aren’t on the PGA tour? How do you do, mister blue?
Say F.Y.I. and not be kidding? You is blue too.
Think how helpful this will be. All over the country, people will be asking why the guy with the bad hair and blue face is firing people on “The Apprentice”. Entire NBA teams will not be divided by race, they will all be blue. Think of how Bill O’Reilly’s face will be bright blue thanks to Hi Def TV. Tom Cruise and Russell Crowe will be forced to only take roles where they play Smerfs. Jesse Jackson will shake down companies that are biased against blue people. The guy spraying Ted Kennedy will run out of blue spray by the time he is done with Kennedy’s forehead.
Any more suggestions are welcomed
lexkase@san.rr.com
posted by Alex at
5:03 PM
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