Friday, July 08, 2005

Oh no we dih’nt. Snap. Did we have to go there? Yes, we had to go there, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Anyone finding a lost groove, please contact Stella
The forty-something author of the biographical “How Stella Got Her Groove Back” Terry McMillan is having her marriage to her 20-something husband annulled because she found out he is gay. You know how she found out he was gay? He used to go out with Katie Holmes.

The forty-something author of “How Stella Got Her Groove Back” Terry McMillan is having her marriage to her 20-something husband annulled because she found out he is gay. In a related story, Stella just lost her damn groove again.

Uh, no, Sir, that’s not the, oh forget it . . .
This week, President Bush met with U2’s Bono and Bono urged the president to discuss donating aid to poor countries. It was kind of awkward at the beginning when Bush asked Bono, “So are you still in touch with your ex-wife Cher?”

I thought that looked familiar
The city of Paris lost the 2012 Olympics to London and the French are bitter about it. The French are so bitter, they refuse to bathe, shave, or provide cheerful service to tourists. Oh, wait, they were already doing that. Never mind.

Get it? Wie?
Michelle Wie could become the first female to make the cut at a men’s PGA tournament at the John Deere Classic. It will be a nice change for the men to take a different kind of Wie on the course.

Unless she picks up a couple strokes to make the cut, Michelle would be – wait for it, wait for it – a Wie bit short.

I would like to see Michelle play more in France, then we could have us some tasty "Who's on First" dialogues.

French Guy: "Pardon, Madam, is your name zee Michelle?"

Michelle: "Yes, Michelle Wie."

French Guy: "Oui. What is your last name, mon ami?"

Michelle: "Wie."

French Guy; "Oui, Michelle, I understand. Your last name is being how you say?"

Michelle: "Wie"

French Guy: "Oui what?"

Michelle: "No, not Wiewhat, just Wie."

You got the idea, oui? Why, oh why are the French so fun to pick on?

Oh, that’s not good
In a new interview, Katie Holmes said of Tom Cruise “he makes me laugh like I’ve never laughed.” Sadly, that laugh she’s never laughed is a nervous and horribly frightened laugh.

Adios the card with the dishes
The New York Daily News reports that Britney Spears is trying to clamp down on Kevin Federline’s extravagant spending habits. You know what that means? There goes Kevin’s Wal Mart Platinum card.

Sure enough
Yesterday, Phil Jackson touted Lamar Odom as one of the Los Angeles Lakers stars of the future; so today, Kobe Bryant demanded Odom be traded to the Miami Heat.

The fat drips right off
George Foreman said he thinks he could get Mike Tyson back to his winning form. I’m not so sure, but at the very least, with George Foreman, Tyson could grill his ears before he eats them.

Since you asked:
You know how drinking can make other people look more attractive? (Beer goggles and such) You want to know how I know when I’ve had too much to drink? When I look in the mirror and honestly think: Now there is one damn fine looking son-of-a-beeyatch.

When you start to find your own self attractive, it’s probably time to hit the ice water.

Tonight a vigorous work out, steam and then it’s grilled Strip Steak French bread sandwiches with melted roasted garlic butter and caramelized red onions as the hot air balloons float over in the enchanting carnival light of the gloaming. Mm, mm, mmmmm, mm. Make you wanna go and slap Subway’s Jared is what them steak sanguidos make you wanna do.

Anyone want the recipe let me know

Quick question: Chicago Cubs? Why do you do this to me? Why? Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

We play callin’, straight ballin’ and free fallin’, yeah, yeah, yeah, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

And the oats. She doesn’t like the oats
Prince Charles’s wife is excited the 2012 Olympics were awarded to London; Camilla Parker Bowles loves the equestrian events; she just hates it when her riders hit her with that riding crop.

Hate that when that happens
In a special “Tour de France” edition of “Sports Illustrated” Lance Armstrong reveals that he relieves himself during a race by simply pulling down his shorts and going; so, occasionally, Lance hits spectators and he feels horrible because sometimes they aren’t French.

How’d they do that?
The Chicago Cubs, Braves game was rained out in Atlanta. It was weird, despite the postponement, the Cubs bullpen still somehow managed to lose the game.

Like a puppy on the fake toss . . .
In Scotland, President Bush fell on his bike for about the fifth time recently; try as hard as he can, Bush is simply a sucker for that classic “Made you look” joke.

Or something like that
T.B.S has a new reality show starring Pauly Shore called “Minding the Store.” Apparently it’s about Pauly’s job at Seven Eleven.

This marks Shore’s fifth or sixth attempt to salvage his career. At some point you have to stop calling them comebacks and start labeling it a cry for help.

Even Roseanne is telling Pauly to give it up.

Not good
Paris was in the 2012 Olympic final hunt but they didn’t get it. The International Olympic Committee just didn’t like the tone of Paris’ Olympic motto, “Get it yourself, nasty tourist.”

Like the fake toss
Yesterday President Bush turned 59. It was cute, Bush falls every time for those birthday candles that won’t blow out.

There is a new alarm clock that wakes you to the smell of frying bacon; this sure beats when I was a kid waking to the smell of Dad emerging from the bathroom with the sports page.

It is National Nude Recreation week. This explains the alarm clock that wakes you to the smell of frying bacon; the last thing you want to do is fry bacon nude.

Pretty damn great
Paris has now been snubbed three times in their Olympic bids. Imagine that? Somebody treating Parisians rudely? How great is that?

Probably for the best
It is National Nude Recreation week. Many Nude Recreational sporting events will be held including volleyball, softball and tennis. Due to a nasty accident last year, however, the men’s high hurdles has been cancelled.

All in all a good day
Today was the running of the bulls in Pamplona Spain. It was nice, there were no severe gorings and now that there is same sex marriage in Spain, one really drunk guy proposed to one of the bulls.

“Uh, no, Sir, it’s, oh forget it . . .”
President Bush said he would not apply a litmus test to determine his nominee for the Supreme Court. When pressed to explain what he thought a litmus test was, Bush said; “Ain’t it one of them pictures with an ink stain all over it.”

The Times they are a changing
A New York Times reporter, Judith Miller, was jailed for refusing to divulge her source. Of course the New York Times is going to protect this source, it’s one of the few they have, otherwise they just make stuff up.

Nice move, Jacques
Before the International Olympic Committee’s vote on the host of the 2012 games, French Prime Minister Jacques Chirac insulted England and Finland. The problem? There were two Finns on the Committee and the games went to London. Even Howard Dean and John Kerry are laughing at Chirac.

San Diego: Since You Asked:
Despite losing three in a row, the San Diego Padres improved their lead in the West to 4 ½ games. The Padres are now like Ron Livingstone’s character, Peter, in “Office Space” No matter how hard he tries to get fired, they keep promoting him.

Lundberg: “Yeah, I’m gonna need you to go ahead and kind of win some games, mmmmkay? That’d be greaaaat.”

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

You cannot stop the funk, you can only hope to contain it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Chaos prevented
The 2012 Olympics were awarded to London instead of the favored Paris. In final analysis that’s probably for the best: with all of those countries descending on Paris, the French wouldn’t know who to surrender to first.

That’s the end of Paris’s proposed new Olympic event: the 1,500 meter backwards retreat.

New York was in the Olympic hunt but they didn’t get it. The International Olympic Committee just didn’t think New York’s Olympic motto, “Whadda you lookin’ at?” was appropriate.

No word if Prince Albert will jump on Oprah’s couch
Prince Albert, who has long been rumored to be gay, has claimed to have fathered a child with a flight attendant from Togo. Albert initially offered the pregnancy to Scarlett Johansson and Katie Holmes, but they turned him down.

High tech
In India, a couple stranded by torrential monsoon rains, exchanged wedding vows by cell phones. The couple plans to spend their honeymoon exchanging dirty e-mails.

A lot to do
The G-8 conference has a tough agenda: they have to decide on how to help Africa, they have to reach an agreement on Global warming, and they have to decide if they think that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes engagement is for real or not.

It adds up
Rumor has it that Britney Spears wants to put out a new album because she and her husband, Kevin Federline, are spending too much money. Apparently all that malt liquor, Cheese Whiz and Chesterfield cigarettes don’t grow on trees, you know.

Aww, that’s nice
“American Idol” runner-up Bo Bice got married recently. It’s really kind of sweet, guess who the bridesmaid was? Clay Aiken.

Sweet revenge
Residents of Pakistan have been without Internet access for over a week and it is not clear yet when the problem will be fixed. It must be serious, today a Pakistani called me to help fix it. Of course I put him on hold for an hour and then hung up.

Two words: Meee and owww
Paris Hilton announced she wants to get married in an English castle. Personally, I think it would be more appropriate if Paris got married inside the Statue of Liberty. Why? The Statue of Liberty is the only woman who has had more people insider of her than Paris Hilton.

This is serious
Martha Stewart told a reporter that she knows how to take off her ankle bracelet. Martha should be careful or her parole board could send her back to prison. It’s not like Martha lives in California and only killed her spouse or molested a child, this is serious.

Talented guy
President Bush has chosen former senator Fred Thompson to help push their yet-to-be-named Supreme Court pick through Congress. Bush felt Thompson was the most qualified as Thompson was both a judge in “Law and Order” and the head of the CIA in “Hunt for Red October.”

Lance Armstrong continues to lead the Tour De France; one of the top teams in tour is the Liquigas (pronounced: Leaky Gas) team; maybe it’s just me, but I wouldn’t want to be riding too close behind someone called a Liquigas rider.

It is simple, oui?
In a commemorative edition of “Sports Illustrated” Lance Armstrong said he tried everything to get the French to like him, he moved to France, he spoke French, but it didn’t work. Well, of course not. There is only one way to get the French to like you: You have to invade them.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Why they got to go and bring all of that mess up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Hate to hear that
Did you have a good Fourth of July? You know who didn’t have a good Fourth? President Bush. It happened again, he forgot what date the Fourth of July was this year and missed it.

Sky rockets in flight
Did you see fireworks? They are amazing these days. During the fireworks there were more Ohh’s and ahh’s than were coming from Angelina Jolie’s bedroom.

Woman on the pole
In Kansas, Danica Patrick finished a respectable ninth in the Indy Racing League’s Argent Mortgage 300. Initially, Patrick earned the pole position. The only other woman to earn the pole position in Kansas was a stripper named Brandi at the Topeka Bada Bing Gentleman’s Club.

Popular gal
Sonya Thomas won the women’s division of the Nathan Famous hot dog eating contest eating 37 hot dogs in under 12 minutes. This officially breaks the unofficial woman’s record for hot dog eating set last week by Kirstie Alley at Dodger’s Stadium.

The 105 pound Sonya won a year’s worth of Nathan’s hot dogs and 375 date offers from guys.

Zee many colors, oui?
In today’s team trial of the Tour de France, Lance Armstrong captured the leader’s yellow jersey. There’s a green jersey for the leading sprinter, a polka dot jersey for the leading mountain rider and the less coveted pink jersey for the rider that Richard Simmons thinks looks the cutest in his tight little bike shorts.

The Boss
On George Steinbrenner’s 4th of July 75th birthday, the New York Yankees beat the Baltimore Orioles 13-8. At one point, the Yankees blew a six run lead but came back. It was so tense, Steinbrenner hired and fired his personal assistant six times.

Since you asked:
We had a good fourth. Two BBQ’s on Sunday. Yesterday took it easy and then BBQ’d bacon cheese burgers. And, thanks to our neighbor’s recent tree trimming, we had a clear shot from our backyard at Fireworks in the distance coming from Miramar, I think.

Yesterday, Virg and Ann Caroline saw a movie. I asked her which movie and Ann Caroline, who is smart as a whip, but still has a little trouble pronouncing her L’s said;

“Herbie Fuwy Woaded” with Windsey Wohan.”