Wednesday, July 06, 2005

You cannot stop the funk, you can only hope to contain it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Chaos prevented
The 2012 Olympics were awarded to London instead of the favored Paris. In final analysis that’s probably for the best: with all of those countries descending on Paris, the French wouldn’t know who to surrender to first.

That’s the end of Paris’s proposed new Olympic event: the 1,500 meter backwards retreat.

New York was in the Olympic hunt but they didn’t get it. The International Olympic Committee just didn’t think New York’s Olympic motto, “Whadda you lookin’ at?” was appropriate.

No word if Prince Albert will jump on Oprah’s couch
Prince Albert, who has long been rumored to be gay, has claimed to have fathered a child with a flight attendant from Togo. Albert initially offered the pregnancy to Scarlett Johansson and Katie Holmes, but they turned him down.

High tech
In India, a couple stranded by torrential monsoon rains, exchanged wedding vows by cell phones. The couple plans to spend their honeymoon exchanging dirty e-mails.

A lot to do
The G-8 conference has a tough agenda: they have to decide on how to help Africa, they have to reach an agreement on Global warming, and they have to decide if they think that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes engagement is for real or not.

It adds up
Rumor has it that Britney Spears wants to put out a new album because she and her husband, Kevin Federline, are spending too much money. Apparently all that malt liquor, Cheese Whiz and Chesterfield cigarettes don’t grow on trees, you know.

Aww, that’s nice
“American Idol” runner-up Bo Bice got married recently. It’s really kind of sweet, guess who the bridesmaid was? Clay Aiken.

Sweet revenge
Residents of Pakistan have been without Internet access for over a week and it is not clear yet when the problem will be fixed. It must be serious, today a Pakistani called me to help fix it. Of course I put him on hold for an hour and then hung up.

Two words: Meee and owww
Paris Hilton announced she wants to get married in an English castle. Personally, I think it would be more appropriate if Paris got married inside the Statue of Liberty. Why? The Statue of Liberty is the only woman who has had more people insider of her than Paris Hilton.

This is serious
Martha Stewart told a reporter that she knows how to take off her ankle bracelet. Martha should be careful or her parole board could send her back to prison. It’s not like Martha lives in California and only killed her spouse or molested a child, this is serious.

Talented guy
President Bush has chosen former senator Fred Thompson to help push their yet-to-be-named Supreme Court pick through Congress. Bush felt Thompson was the most qualified as Thompson was both a judge in “Law and Order” and the head of the CIA in “Hunt for Red October.”

Lance Armstrong continues to lead the Tour De France; one of the top teams in tour is the Liquigas (pronounced: Leaky Gas) team; maybe it’s just me, but I wouldn’t want to be riding too close behind someone called a Liquigas rider.

It is simple, oui?
In a commemorative edition of “Sports Illustrated” Lance Armstrong said he tried everything to get the French to like him, he moved to France, he spoke French, but it didn’t work. Well, of course not. There is only one way to get the French to like you: You have to invade them.