Thursday, June 16, 2005

Shall we hug it out? Let’s hug it out, Beeeyaaaatch and Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Batter up
“Batman Begins” opens today. In this one, I think Batman gets arrested for serving Jesus Juice to and sleeping with Robin.

“Batman Begins” opens today featuring Katie Holmes. There was one scene that was weird: when Batman jumps up and down on Oprah’s couch yelling “I’m in love, I’m in love.”

“Batman Begins” opens today. Unlike the other super heroes, Batman doesn’t have any special powers, he is just a really rich guy fighting crime. That would be tough for me. “Gosh, should I fight this entire biker gang or should I take a yacht trip to the Riviera? Hmm, let me think.”

How hot is it?
It has been brutally hot back east. People in New York are sweating like the kids at the Chuckie Cheese restaurant near the Neverland Ranch.

It is so hot back east, in New York city, the Times Square hookers are offering to blow on people.

Tyson chicken
Kevin McBride said that, during their fight, Mike Tyson bit his nipple. So, I guess this makes McBride the titular heavy weight contender.

Just what we needed when we needed it
The “Backstreet Boys” have a comeback album out. I think it’s called: “Please Buy This Album, We Hate Working at Dominoes.”

I think the album is called; “Why the Hell Didn’t I Save Some of That 1999 Money?”

I think the album is called, “We Are Now Too Old To Try and Be Hip.”

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

This just in:
Yesterday, San Diego outfield slugger Ryan Klesko bungled a routine fly ball that led to an 8-4 loss to the Detroit Tigers. Well, well, Mr. Big Shot millionaire Major League star Ryan Klesko, welcome to my little league worst moment as replayed in my recurring nightmares. Not so pretty is it, Rhino-stud? And you didn’t even have to deal with Betsy Brennan pointing and laughing at you all through art class until you cried and ran to the nurse’s office lying that you had a stomach ache and pleading for your Mommie to come and pick you up so you could curl up in bed clutching your stuffed dog, Morgie, until you sobbed yourself to sleep, now did you? Huh?

Oopsie. Heh, heh. Was, uh, was that, uh, last part at the end written out loud?

Ahem. Excuse me, I gotta go, uh, put some nails in that fence and chop some, uh, fire wood.

Anyone see my chewing tabacco around here? My issue of "Soldier of Fortune" magazine?
We hangin' wit 'da funky up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Oh uh, not again
“Batman Begins” has received some great reviews but there is some bad publicity news for its producers; last night Batman threw his bat-phone at a Hotel concierge.

Russell Throwe
The box office returns for “Cinderella Man” have plummeted since Russell Crowe’s phone throwing incident. I think Crowe is getting desperate for free publicity. Today Russell Crowe jumped up on Oprah’s couch and yelled that he was madly in love with Tom Cruise.

Here we go again, 2
Phil Jackson will return as coach of the Los Angeles Laker and Kobe Bryant; finally, indisputable proof that the human brain cannot remember pain.

Phil Jackson will return as coach of the Los Angeles Lakers; that’s weird, one famous Jackson gets out of prison and another one gets sent back.

You can never be too careful
There was an earthquake off the coast of California so we had a tsunami warning. It turns out we are fine, but it was scary. Five people grabbed Pamela Anderson to use her as a floatation device.

The Detroit Pistons came back from two blow-outs to beat the San Antonio Spurs; finally Detroit fans had something to watch at the NBA finals besides Eva Longoria.

Now that is scary
Information from testimony of the Michael Jackson trial is coming out. How crazy and scary was the accuser’s mother? Picture Mike Tyson in a Tina Turner wig.

Many of the Michael Jackson jurors said they despised the accuser’s mother during her testimony. They said she seemed, creepy, insincere, melodramatic, arrogant and she even snapped her fingers at the jurors. So, apparently the accuser’s mother is Madonna.

How hot is it?
It has been brutally hot back east. People in New York are sweating like Michael Jackson’s cabana boy since the acquittal.

It’s so hot in New York, the Mets are sticking to last place in their division.

It is so hot in New York, Donald Trump has switched to his cotton hair piece.

It is so hot in New York, the cab drivers are installing sprinklers in their turbans.

Everyday for Don King
On one of the last days of the school year, many elementary schools have a crazy hair day. You get to attend for the day with really wild hair. That explains it. Apparently they are holding “crazy hair” days at the Phil Specter murder trial.

By Allah, please stop with the infernal "Genie" song
Interrogators at Gauntanamo Bay are playing Christine Aguilera albums to get prisoners to confess. Apparently, for Muslims, it is extremely unpleasant to hear music performed by a skank.

Foo wit you
The Foo Fighters have a hot new double album out called “In Your Honor” I really like the Foo Fighters. Have you heard the Foo Fighters motto? “We fight more Foo before Nine A.M then most people fight all day.”

Back to non-reality
Now that the Michael Jackson trial is over, the Jackson supporters at the trial and at his ranch will simply have to pack up, leave and try and get on with their non-existent lives.

Attention my e-mail Slats and Nugs
Road Runner e-mail is down and has been for a while. (No, it is not my fault this time. At least I don’t think it is) And I am leaving for a few days, so, when I get back, everything should be hunky dory, whatever the hell hunky dory is. I will get back to you soon.

As Letterman might say:

"I wouldn't give my computer problems lately to a monkey on a rock."

Since you asked:
As I, for writing reasons, watch the TiVo’d monologues of Leno and Conan, (Letterman is available online) each day, I will sometimes reference a joke I heard in conversation at a social gathering of some sort, and, almost without fail, somebody will say;

“How can you stay up so late and watch that?”

What they are really saying is:

“What kind of loser stays up that late to watch TV?”

So then I say;

“I don’t stay up, I recorded it on TiVo and I just see the monologues the next day when I have a spare moment, like when making coffee or feeding the dogs.”

That makes me feel better to let them now that I am also the most important person in the world, but I just happen to be the most important person in the world who has to hear those jokes.

That is when they say;

“Oh, yeah. I don’t have TiVo, I just don’t watch very much TV to justify getting one.”

What they are really saying is:

“Unlike you, I am not a lazy, selfish slob who can afford to waste time from my very important job and far more-wonderful-than-your family.”

Oh yeah, I’m the only one who watches TV from time to time. That’s why nobody but me has ever heard of Donald Trump, “Desperate Housewives” or “American Idol.”

What these anti-Tivo’rs are really saying is;

“I watch as much or more TV as anyone, but I once tried to record something on my VCR and I had such a horrific experience, and looked so much like a monkey trying to hump a football that I am not about to pay to make a fool out of myself with that TiVo-thingie”

Have no fear, if I can run TiVo, you can run TiVo. No, it TiVo isn’t idiot proof, but an idiot would have to be pretty diligent to mess it up.
We gonna smack the nasty outta this here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Wouldn’t want to see that
Michael Jackson was acquitted of all charges. It’s just as well, if Jackson had been found guilty of child molestation, there would have been ugly rioting by angry priests.

So little time
Michael Jackson was acquitted of all charges; Michael had a busy day today. He played golf with O.J. met Robert Blake for dinner and, later, he and Kobe are going to order a late snack from room service.

Michael Jackson has been acquitted. Michael says he hasn’t felt this good since Disney Land started serving Jesus Juice at happy hour.

Did you hear our new state motto? California: Acquitting guilty celebrities since O.J. Simpson.

Case of the Mondays
Well yesterday was the end of the Michael Jackson trial. Or as I call it: Joke-writing Dark Monday.

You have to feel sorry for defense attorney Mark Garragos. He abandoned Michael Jackson’s case to defend Scott Petterson. That’s like a Hollywood agent firing Tom Hanks to represent Emmanuel Lewis.

Now that he is acquitted, I didn’t realize Michael Jackson was such a baseball fan; he said he is going to go to Minneapolis to see a game. At least I think that’s what he meant when he said he was going to take in the Twins.

Scientists in Columbia want to destroy the cocaine crop by releasing moths that will eat the plants. These cocaine-eating moths scientific name is: Whitneyus Houstoni.

These cocaine-eating moths scientific name is: Lindsay Lohanus

Still is, in fact
According to a new biography on Hillary Clinton, Hillary was involved with lesbians when she was at college. At the exact same time, Bill Clinton desperately tried to get involved with lesbians.

Lethal Weapon
Israel is working on a new weapon that emits a sound that makes the enemy nauseous. The weapon is called an M69 Celine Dion.

Shouldn’t there be something there people want to buy before they get this?

Trading bank of Iraq has issued their first credit card. Their motto is “Don’t blow up a home without it.”

Trading bank of Iraq has issued their first credit card. Have you seen the commercial?

Flack jacket: $120

Portable generator: $350.

Water purifier: $75

When an insurgent suicide bomber mistakenly only blows himself up? Priceless.

Drug companies are working on a new love drug for women. Don’t we already have that? It’s called: Wine.

And neither the words Nerd nor Geek
Microsoft's new Chinese internet portal has banned the words "democracy" and "freedom" from parts of its website to avoid offending Beijing's political censors. It being a Microsoft product, it also banned the words “customer service” and “reliable.”

Hit the road, Jacko, don't you come backo
Now that Michael Jackson has been acquitted, he can’t wait to get out of town. He said he is going to get on the 15 and head south. Or did he say the kid was 14?

Now that Michael Jackson has been acquitted, he can’t wait to get out of town and head to Los Angeles. At least I hope that’s what Michael meant when he said he can’t wait to jump on the 10.

Monday, June 13, 2005

They got them some ill skilz up in there, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A tad pricey
A newspaper in England is willing to pay $2 million for access to Paris Hilton’s wedding. That seems excessive. Before she got engaged, it only cost a guy $200 for access to Paris herself.

He wouldn’t like that
The Brad Pitt-Angelina Jolie movie “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” is number one; “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” is about a married couple who try to assassinate each other. There’s Robert Blake’s worst nightmare: a wife that returns fire.

Coming to light
It now seems the Russell Crowe phone throwing episode was proceeded by a lot of drinking and singing in a bar. You thought throwing a phone and hitting a concierge was inexcusable? Three hours before the man drunkenly sang “Feelings.” Crowe should go to jail for that alone.

We kid the Cubbies
In a magnanimous gesture of mutual respect, the Boston Red Sox presented Nomar Garciaparra with a World Series ring even though he was traded to the Chicago Cubs before the World Series. When asked to comment, an executive for the Cubs said; “What’s a World Series ring?”

Not good
In their historic first meeting at Wrigley Field, the Chicago Cubs beat the Boston Red Sox 14-6. The just didn’t beat the Red Sox, the Cubs treated Boston like Russell Crowe treats a concierge.

A new touch
The new “Batman Begins” movie is out; this one is a little different than the others: in this one Robin gives Batman a Queer makeover.

The new “Batman Begins” movie is out. If you look close they padded the crotch of the Batman suit; they wanted a little less bat and a little more man.

The new Batman movie is out. I’m not sure I’m happy with all of the choices the director made. For example, I just don’t think the Batmobile should be a Honda Civic hybrid.

Big gal, that
Annika Sorrenstam won the LPGA Championship this weekend; I don’t want to say female golfer Laura Davies is too big, but that woman looks like she ate John Daly.

How big is Davies? Her golf shorts are a par four.

A bit of sarcasm
The rumor around Hollywood is that Paris Hilton is pregnant. And how in the world do you suppose that happened?

Iron poor Mike
Mike Tyson quit after the sixth round against 6-5 tomato can Kevin McBride. It was a little embarrassing, Tyson refused to come out for the seventh round even though five of his creditors were pushing him to go back out there.

In the sixth round Tyson tried to break McBride’s arm, head bash him and he tried to hit him low. Tyson did everything but splatter steak sauce on his ear.

It was sad, Tyson announced his retirement and there were dozens of people weeping and sobbing. And that was just his creditors.

Now that Tyson has retired he can go back to his first true love: biochemical physicist.

What is Tyson going to do now that he is retired from boxing? I’m not sure, but I think we can rule out a career in molecular engineering.

Honey, we’ll be protesting late tonight, don’t wait up
Parents of a youth baseball team in Taylor Mill, Ky., were so upset after learning that Hooters restaurant was its sponsor that they pulled their kids from the squad. Some of the fathers were so upset, they staged a sit- in demonstration at Hooters during the hot wings Happy Hour.

Remind me again
Paris Hilton and her Mom, Kathy, will be the Grand Marshalls of the West Hollywood Gay Rights parade. Oh, yeah, Paris is big in the gay community. Apparently gay men are huge fans of Paris’s talent of, um, uh, one last time, I forgot, what the hell can Paris Hilton do again?

No truth to this rumor I started whatsoever
In the Bizzaro world of Hollywood, Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise say they are doing it and they aren’t and Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt insist they aren’t so they are. Hmm. I want to make an announcement, Hollywood: I am not having sex with Angelina Jolie, I swear.

This week in Ohio, police were called when an Amish Party in a barn got out of hand and dozens of Amish teenagers were found drunk. Apparently that one Ezekeal kid? Thine est thy real light weight.

Ohio authorities became suspicious when the teenagers raised a barn and a Frat house.

Whoa, Dude
Last week, the Supreme Court said medical marijuana is illegal, but the two plaintiffs in the case say they will continue to smoke it. When asked what was their legal precedent, they replied; “Uh, that President Bush dude?”

That’s a storm
The first storm of the season, Hurricane Arlene hit Cuba yesterday and arrived in Florida Friday. Arlene is a big storm, it dropped off three Cuban short stops, five Cuban closers and two Cuban middle relief pitchers and a blue taxi cab.

Problem might be elsewhere
A man in Houston is suing Viagra claiming it made him blind. I don’t know about this guy, he also claims Viagra gave him a bad case of hairy palms.

Since you asked:
Mike Tyson quit after the sixth round against 6-5 tomato can Kevin McBride. It is now painfully obvious that Tyson was, not only, never a great fighter, he was never even a good fighter.

Mike Tyson was simply a muscle-bound sadist and bully who gleefully beat up people; but the second fighting became difficult, Tyson collapsed like the sham coward that he is because he neither possessed any guts nor courage and, clearly, he never did. My six-year-old daughter, Ann Caroline, exhibits more class and heart in one soccer game then Mike Tyson ever has in his life.

To mention Tyson’s name in the same sentence with legends Joe Louis, Muhammad Ali, George Foreman or Evander Holyfield is a travesty to boxing’s history.

Tyson has been metaphorically castrated in front of the entire world. The name Mike Tyson is now a symbol of shame and embarrassment; the name Mike Tyson is now, and forever, a sorry punch line to endless jokes about one of the consummate losers in all of history; Tyson is a loser morally, ethically, emotionally, physically, financially and spiritually.

And it could not have happened to a better guy.

How do I really feel? Tyson is also uglier than homemade shoes.