Wednesday, June 15, 2005

We hangin' wit 'da funky up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Oh uh, not again
“Batman Begins” has received some great reviews but there is some bad publicity news for its producers; last night Batman threw his bat-phone at a Hotel concierge.

Russell Throwe
The box office returns for “Cinderella Man” have plummeted since Russell Crowe’s phone throwing incident. I think Crowe is getting desperate for free publicity. Today Russell Crowe jumped up on Oprah’s couch and yelled that he was madly in love with Tom Cruise.

Here we go again, 2
Phil Jackson will return as coach of the Los Angeles Laker and Kobe Bryant; finally, indisputable proof that the human brain cannot remember pain.

Phil Jackson will return as coach of the Los Angeles Lakers; that’s weird, one famous Jackson gets out of prison and another one gets sent back.

You can never be too careful
There was an earthquake off the coast of California so we had a tsunami warning. It turns out we are fine, but it was scary. Five people grabbed Pamela Anderson to use her as a floatation device.

The Detroit Pistons came back from two blow-outs to beat the San Antonio Spurs; finally Detroit fans had something to watch at the NBA finals besides Eva Longoria.

Now that is scary
Information from testimony of the Michael Jackson trial is coming out. How crazy and scary was the accuser’s mother? Picture Mike Tyson in a Tina Turner wig.

Many of the Michael Jackson jurors said they despised the accuser’s mother during her testimony. They said she seemed, creepy, insincere, melodramatic, arrogant and she even snapped her fingers at the jurors. So, apparently the accuser’s mother is Madonna.

How hot is it?
It has been brutally hot back east. People in New York are sweating like Michael Jackson’s cabana boy since the acquittal.

It’s so hot in New York, the Mets are sticking to last place in their division.

It is so hot in New York, Donald Trump has switched to his cotton hair piece.

It is so hot in New York, the cab drivers are installing sprinklers in their turbans.

Everyday for Don King
On one of the last days of the school year, many elementary schools have a crazy hair day. You get to attend for the day with really wild hair. That explains it. Apparently they are holding “crazy hair” days at the Phil Specter murder trial.

By Allah, please stop with the infernal "Genie" song
Interrogators at Gauntanamo Bay are playing Christine Aguilera albums to get prisoners to confess. Apparently, for Muslims, it is extremely unpleasant to hear music performed by a skank.

Foo wit you
The Foo Fighters have a hot new double album out called “In Your Honor” I really like the Foo Fighters. Have you heard the Foo Fighters motto? “We fight more Foo before Nine A.M then most people fight all day.”

Back to non-reality
Now that the Michael Jackson trial is over, the Jackson supporters at the trial and at his ranch will simply have to pack up, leave and try and get on with their non-existent lives.

Attention my e-mail Slats and Nugs
Road Runner e-mail is down and has been for a while. (No, it is not my fault this time. At least I don’t think it is) And I am leaving for a few days, so, when I get back, everything should be hunky dory, whatever the hell hunky dory is. I will get back to you soon.

As Letterman might say:

"I wouldn't give my computer problems lately to a monkey on a rock."

Since you asked:
As I, for writing reasons, watch the TiVo’d monologues of Leno and Conan, (Letterman is available online) each day, I will sometimes reference a joke I heard in conversation at a social gathering of some sort, and, almost without fail, somebody will say;

“How can you stay up so late and watch that?”

What they are really saying is:

“What kind of loser stays up that late to watch TV?”

So then I say;

“I don’t stay up, I recorded it on TiVo and I just see the monologues the next day when I have a spare moment, like when making coffee or feeding the dogs.”

That makes me feel better to let them now that I am also the most important person in the world, but I just happen to be the most important person in the world who has to hear those jokes.

That is when they say;

“Oh, yeah. I don’t have TiVo, I just don’t watch very much TV to justify getting one.”

What they are really saying is:

“Unlike you, I am not a lazy, selfish slob who can afford to waste time from my very important job and far more-wonderful-than-your family.”

Oh yeah, I’m the only one who watches TV from time to time. That’s why nobody but me has ever heard of Donald Trump, “Desperate Housewives” or “American Idol.”

What these anti-Tivo’rs are really saying is;

“I watch as much or more TV as anyone, but I once tried to record something on my VCR and I had such a horrific experience, and looked so much like a monkey trying to hump a football that I am not about to pay to make a fool out of myself with that TiVo-thingie”

Have no fear, if I can run TiVo, you can run TiVo. No, it TiVo isn’t idiot proof, but an idiot would have to be pretty diligent to mess it up.