Saturday, December 25, 2004

Thanks for reading. All six of you. Now, as the late, great harmonica player and blues man Junior Wells put it ever so well: snaps it back and hold it, baby, one more time.
Let's have a great 2005. 2005? Are you kidding me? That looks more like an appliance name than a year.
"That's right, for a limited time, the Vacusuck Turbo 2005 is on sale at Sears."
Is it just me or does a Christmas tree after Christmas kind of look sad? It's trimmed and all done-up with nowhere to go, like a recently divorced Beverly Hills first wife, alone at the bar at closing time.
And with that I'll leave you with that cheery holiday thought.
Again, Merry Christmas

Friday, December 24, 2004

Santa pimped his sleigh, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Much better
Good news for poisoned Ukrainian candidate Viktor Yushchenko; he looks much better since the dioxin poisoning. He’s gone from looking like Marge Schott to Andy Rooney, so that’s good.

I, uh, I did not know that . . .
Everyone’s excited about the big Kobe Bryant Shaquille O’Neal match up on Christmas. Everyone thinks Kobe’s name comes from Kobe, Japan. Since his trial, I don’t think so; I think Kobe is an acronym for the sign he hangs on his hotel room door: Knock Often Before Entering.

Since you asked:
Christmas is a wonderful time as a parent. Six-year-old Ann Caroline has not been separated from her Santa hat for three days. (Picture Cindy Lou Who with a Santa hat) You walk into the living room and there she is, quietly gazing at the Christmas tree. She is the epitome of the Christmas spirit.

But the best part of being a parent around Christmas? You can legally lie to your kid for the purpose of bribing good behavior from them. Yesterday I told Ann Caroline of the tragic tale of the child that was good for 364 days but was bad on Christmas Eve. The result? No presents. Shameless, isn’t it? There should be some sort of law against this, shouldn’t there?

Thursday, December 23, 2004

In a one horse open sleigh-izzle, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Merry, merry
A study in the “Journal of American Medical Association” reveals that terminally ill patients do not try and hang on through the Holidays. And if that cheery little story doesn’t get you in the Christmas spirit, nothing will.

Old habits die hard
I’m a sentimental guy during the Holidays, I like to stick with tradition and do the same things each year. For example, it just doesn’t feel like time to shop for presents until the clerk at the Seven Eleven yells: “Would you buy something? I have to close and go home for Christmas.”

Not the same
You know what gets me in the mood for Christmas? Christmas movies. But I have to admit, the one I rented was different then what I expected. Don’t confuse “Miracle on 34th street” with the more adult-rated “$100 Miracle on 42nd Street.”

And don’t confuse the classic “A Christmas Carol” with the Hustler video store version; “A Christmas Carol, Tiffany, Amber and Brandi.”

One bad actor
At the Robert Blake trial, a doctor testified he thought Robert Blake was insincere when he called out that his wife was shot. How bad of an actor are you when you can’t act like your wife is shot after you just shot her?

Imagine that?
In response to Shaquille O’Neal saying he was a brick wall and Kobe Bryant was a Corvette, Kobe replied that now that he is 230 pounds, he’s a combination Corvette and Hummer. After saying the word Hummer, Kobe then had an uncontrollable urge to order room service.

Since you asked:
Rented "Bourne Supremacy" last night. Just OK. One kept getting the feeling, due to Matt Damon's large salary, they were over-budget and the producer just kept telling the director; "Listen, we can't afford to actually smash up all of those cars, so just keep shaking the camera and we'll make really fast, choppy edits so they won't be able to see the differance."

Take a Dramamine before viewing. And somehow I couldn't shake the feeling that, in real life, Damon can't actually fight like that.

Since you asked, 2:

Isn’t it a great feeling when you’re done with Christmas shopping? It reminds me of feeling like those smug kids in high school when you asked them; “Isn’t this term paper brutal? I’ll never finish on time.” And they reply; “Oh, I finished it a week ago. My Dad’s secretary typed it up yesterday.”

Because before you are finished shopping, all you do is run into people who say; “Oh, I did everything online last January.” And, “That’s why I hired a personal shopper. They cost more, but they’re worth it.” And then the worst: “Oh, we decided not to do presents this year and donate the money to charity instead.” Don’t you just hate those people with the red-hot hatred of one thousand suns? I sure do. Merry Christmas, Slats and Nuggies.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Somebody what done up and pimped our Christmas tree, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The Donald
The Holiday Cards are flowing in now. I got a weird card from Donald Trump. It said, “Happy Holidays. You’re fired.”

That's a lot
I still have a ton of holiday shopping to do. My to-do list is longer the Scott Peterson’s prison dance card.

I don't get it
Asked to comment about his Christmas match-up against Kobe Bryant, Shaquille O’Neal said: “When a Corvette hits a brick wall, you know what happens.” Yeah, Shaq, usually Billy Joel climbs out, but what does that have to do with anything?

A little bit slow
Outside of the problems in Iraq, this Holiday time is a sort of a slow news time. To give you an idea how slow, the press is closely following Elton John’s latest spat with his pedicurist.

Like a candle in the wind
According to polls, support for the war in Iraq is eroding. In fact, support for the Iraq war is shrinking faster then Elton John’s Christmas card list.

Not positive
The sixth Harry Potter book is out. I think this one is called: “Harry Potter: One More Book and I’ll Have Everyone’s Money.”

Hummer bummer
The latest Hummer commercials feature the disclaimer: “Off-road responsibly.” Is that necessary? There have only been two occasions when Hummers have ever been off-road: In the commercials and on the field of a Polo match.

There are trains that spend more time off-road then the average Hummer.

Who knew?
The KIA Spectra, received the worst rating in US insurance crash tests. In Kia’s home country of Korea, do you know what the word Spectra means? Billy Joel.

The New Orleans Hornets are 2- 21. Hornets head coach Byron Scott is aging faster than if he just did a round of dioxin Jello shooters.

Three levels
You have to be careful not to over-do it at parties this time of year. There are three levels of Holiday office party hangovers from bad to worse: Level One: Why did I say that to my boss?” Level Two: “Who made this photocopy of my butt?” and the worst, Level Three: “Look at my face, who the hell put dioxin in my Egg Nog?”

Two questions
I have two questions following last night’s Monday Night Football: how does the best team in the NFL, the New England Patriots, lose to probably the worst team, the Miami Dolphins? And why did the Dolphins play in highway-worker-Orange jerseys that made every kick off look like a prison riot?

Monday, December 20, 2004

Oh, snap, we feelin’ you now, dog, and Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The latest Hummer commercials feature the disclaimer: “Please off-road responsibly.” Is that necessary? There have only been two occasions when Hummers have ever been off-road: In the commercials and on the field of a Polo match.

Holiday party warning signs
There are warning signs you may have over-done it at the office Christmas party. One is when you wake up to four words: mistletoe in your pants.

Another sign you may have over-done it at the office Christmas party? There’s a photocopy of your butt for sale on E-bay.

There are indications you just may have over-done it at the office Christmas party. The bad news? You’re fired. The good news? You’re engaged.

There’s a good chance you may have over-done it at the Christmas party when, you don’t know why, but every time you walk past the supply room, you become aroused.

Guys, you might have over-done it at the Christmas party when, the next day, everyone calls you Kobe.

Girls, you might have over-done it at the Christmas party when, the next day, everyone calls you Paris.

Truth is, I had a rough Christmas party last night. Do me a favor and don’t say the words: Egg Nog shooters.

There is a very good chance you over-did it at the office Christmas party when you wake up in the hospital with a doctor removing a candy cane.

Did you survive the company Christmas parties? I may have overdone it. Every time I walk by the copier, I hear the haunting chants echo in my mind: “Go Lex, go Lex, go Lex.”

English class
The president’s daughter, Jenna Bush, has announced she is going to teach English at a Washington DC elementary school. Instead of English 101, Jenna will be teaching Old English 800. Not the class, the Malt Liquor.

That was sweet
Do you get those Holiday letters? You wouldn’t believe it, but I got a Holiday letter from Martha Stewart in prison. It was really sweet. It was signed by Martha and LaQuetia “Brown Sugar” Jones, Martha’s new prison bitch.

Not fun
Although they sound glamorous, sometimes celebrity Christmas parties are a pain. You know, like when you get stuck next to that loud, obnoxious and physically hostile drunk? And that’s just Liza Minelli.

Wild one
I went to one really wild Hollywood Christmas party. It had Paris Hilton, Tara Reid, Halle Berry, Nick Nolte and Glen Cambell. And those were the designated drivers . . .

Sounds right
After being vilified last year, 10-3 San Diego Charger quarterback Drew Brees has to feel like the guy at the end of the high school reunion who yells; “Bye everyone. Hey, Heidi sweety? Heidi Klum? Be a dear and run and get the Maserati.”

Must see DVD
You know what makes a good Christmas present? The “Seinfeld” DVDs. It features lots of unseen clips like the time Elaine dates the children show cartoonist but then deems him un-“Sponge Bob” worthy.

This I promise
One thing I can promise you: all of these jokes have been written by hand.

Sec. Of Def. Donald Rumsfeld in under fire again this time for sending condolence letters signed by a machine. Signed by a machine? Does that mean they were signed by Dick Cheney?

Not clear on the concept
I don’t think President Bush gets it when he was informed that he was “Time” magazine’s person of the year. Bush said; “It’s an honor to be named “Time” magazine’s person of the year. It’s important to be able to tell time. I’ve been able to tell time on my own for three years.”