Friday, December 10, 2004

We straight up up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

One or the other
Due to the wildly conflicting testimony, here is what I think is going to happen during the sentencing of Scott Peterson. Scott Peterson is either going to get the death penalty or he’s going to be awarded the Noble Peace Prize.

Come on, Hermie, out with it
The Burl Ives narrated animated Christmas special “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” turns 40 years old this year. OK, four decades is enough. Shouldn’t Hermie the elf-dentist come out of the closet by now? Come on, who’s he kidding? Hermie’s gayer than a lavender bubble bath.

Quit pussy-footing and get to it
We’ve mentioned that former secretary of Health and Human services, Tommy Thompson, said, "I can’t understand why terrorists have not attacked our food supply, because it’s so easy to do.” Now the FBI says that terrorists could use lasers to blind pilots. Why don’t these guys quit messing around and just teach a damn Learning Annex class on how to be a better terrorist?

Just a wild guess . . .
After Def. Sec. Donald Rumsfeld’s confrontation with the Iraqi bound troops, there is a debate on who is to blame for the lack of armor on Army trucks. I’m not a military expert, but why not blame the blown up trucks on the terrorists that keep blowing them up?

No wonder
Fertility experts say that men who have laptop computers on their laps could be diminishing their ability to father children. Well, duh. Stop looking at porn put down the damn computer and have sex, that might make it easier.

Just kidding
In Ohio, a concert go’er shot former Pantera guitarist Darrell “Dime bag” Abbott. It is so tragic when an innocent musician is shot . . . and it isn’t Kenny G.

A sure sign, eh?
Canada has approved same-sex marriage. And the definition of a gay Canadian man? A guy who, when holding his ice-fishing rod, extends his pinky finger.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

That’s how we roll in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The lie that Bonds
Now that Barry Bonds has admitted he used steroids, in retrospect, it seems kind of obvious. We should have suspected something wasn’t right when Barry would choke up on his bat, and sawdust flew out.

You know how normal players warm up with a weight called a donut on their bats? Barry used the wheel rim from a ’68 Chevy.

There were clues that Barry Bonds used steroids, we just didn’t recognize them. Take for example that time Barry Bonds charged the mound, and the mound ran away?

One of the symptoms of steroid use is increased skull growth. Remember a few years ago when the San Francisco Giants won the pennant? It took ten bottles of champagne just to get Barry Bonds’s entire head wet.

One of the symptoms of steroid use is increased skull growth. You could tell Barry Bonds was using steroids when the San Francisco Giants equipment manager started to use Barry Bonds discarded hats as a car cover.

I don’t want to say it was obvious that Barry Bonds was using steroids, but when Bonds used the clubhouse urinal, the urinal grew twice as big.

OK, Lex, we got the point . . .
Now that we think about it, there were signs that Barry Bonds was using steroids. You know that Christmas tree in Rockefeller Plaza? Louisville Slugger wants to use it to make Barry’s next bat.

Or something like that
Harrison Ford has signed up for the fourth Indiana Jones. I think this one is called “Indiana Jones, Early Bird Special.”

I’m not sure the fourth Indiana Jones is going to go over well. The big movie catch phrase is “You punks get off my lawn.”

It was during recess, or as they call it in New Orleans, Happy Hour
In New Orleans, an eight –year-old girl was suspended for bringing Jello shots to school. Anywhere else she would have been suspended for bringing alcohol to minors, in New Orleans she was suspended for not bringing enough for everybody.

On the bright side, Michael Jackson wants to hire her as a Never Land ranch cocktail waitress.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

That is sick jacked-up, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The scent of Paris
Paris Hilton is trying to get a copyright for her expression: That’s hot. She also wants to get the copyright for her expression, “Wait, the camera isn’t on,” and “What’s the number for 411?”

Paris Hilton has a perfume out. Maybe it’s just me, but I would have a hard time buying something that smells like someone named after a city not exactly famous for hygiene.

For Paris Hilton’s sake, I hope her perfume smells more like a Hilton than Paris.

The Colorado Rockies terminated the contract of pitcher Denny Neagle less than three days after he was cited for soliciting a prostitute. The woman in his car squealed to police Neagle paid her $40 for oral sex. What did Neagle expect? He wasn’t paying her to keep her mouth shut.

Neagle is a starting pitcher, but he brought new meaning to the term a blown save.

$40 for oral sex? That’s less than some guys pay for a haircut. Neagle must have gone to the hooker’s version of Super Cuts: Super Sluts.

Sorry about this one in advance
There is no truth to the rumor that Indiana Pacer fan-brawler Ron Artest plans to convert to Islam during his suspension. Good thing. Then the Shiite would have hit the fan.

Ricky don’t twist that number
A couple in Florida called the police to report they had ¼ pound of marijuana stolen. Police have issued an A.P.B. for the ex-Dolphin Ricky Williams.

How does this work?
They are in the penalty phase of the Scott Peterson trial. When you could get death, isn’t it more than just a penalty? Is a ref in a striped shirt going to throw a yellow flag before they flip the switch on the electric chair? “After further review, the guy is going to fry.”

That is some serious reading right there
A 24-year-old Florida reading teacher, Debra La Favra, is charged with having sex with a 14-year-old male student. That kid must have been doing some serious reading. All I ever got was a gold star.

It replaces the old motto: Your first heart attack is free
Denny’s has a new motto: “We’re cooking now.” Actually, the entire motto is “We’re cooking now that the FDA is investigating our butts.”

Denny’s new motto is “We’re cooking now.” Unless you’re African American, then it’s “We’ll cook when we feel like it.”

Not kidding around now
After an attack on an American Consulate, Saudi Arabia has renewed its vow to fight terrorism in all its aspects. And they’re serious, this time they may even stop funding it.

Monday, December 06, 2004

This right here how it’s gonna be, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Ode to Skank
Paris Hilton has a perfume out. Paris says her new perfume is her favorite thing to put behind her ears besides her ankles.

It’s wild, you don’t have to put on the Paris Hilton perfume, it puts itself on you. And then it videotapes you with it on.

Jingle bells
You can tell it’s Christmas time when the new toys come out. Have you seen the latest one? It’s The Martha Stewart Gray Bar Hotel Doll house. Prison bitch sold separately.

This is going to be a tough Christmas in prison for Martha Stewart; some more bad news for Martha today, somebody hung mistletoe over the communal shower.

Martha Stewart can’t catch a break in prison. Somebody baked a file inside of a fruitcake and sent it to Martha. But because it’s a fruitcake, nobody could actually get at the file.

The good news for Martha Stewart is that her prison had a “Secret Santa” gift exchange. The bad news for Martha? She was one of the gifts.

He had a show?
CNBC cancelled John McEnroe’s talk show. In truth, McEnroe didn’t have the best interviewing skills. He only had two replies; “You cannot be serious” and “You’re the pits of the world.”

You can kind of tell a television talk show is in trouble when the audience members outnumber the actual viewers

I thought it was sort of heartless the way they informed McEnroe his show was cancelled. They had a tennis umpire throw him out of the studio.

Rumor had it that McEnroe’s talk show was so bad the only person who enjoyed watching it was McEnroe’s ex, Tatum O’Neal.

Amazingly detailed
This year the White House Christmas decorations feature a gingerbread White House authentic down to the smallest detail. It even has the left-over knee prints under the desk in the Oval office from the Clinton administration.

This year the White House Christmas decorations feature a gingerbread White House authentic down to the smallest detail. It even includes the unopened dictionary in the Oval office.