We straight up up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

One or the other
Due to the wildly conflicting testimony, here is what I think is going to happen during the sentencing of Scott Peterson. Scott Peterson is either going to get the death penalty or he’s going to be awarded the Noble Peace Prize.

Come on, Hermie, out with it
The Burl Ives narrated animated Christmas special “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” turns 40 years old this year. OK, four decades is enough. Shouldn’t Hermie the elf-dentist come out of the closet by now? Come on, who’s he kidding? Hermie’s gayer than a lavender bubble bath.

Quit pussy-footing and get to it
We’ve mentioned that former secretary of Health and Human services, Tommy Thompson, said, "I can’t understand why terrorists have not attacked our food supply, because it’s so easy to do.” Now the FBI says that terrorists could use lasers to blind pilots. Why don’t these guys quit messing around and just teach a damn Learning Annex class on how to be a better terrorist?

Just a wild guess . . .
After Def. Sec. Donald Rumsfeld’s confrontation with the Iraqi bound troops, there is a debate on who is to blame for the lack of armor on Army trucks. I’m not a military expert, but why not blame the blown up trucks on the terrorists that keep blowing them up?

No wonder
Fertility experts say that men who have laptop computers on their laps could be diminishing their ability to father children. Well, duh. Stop looking at porn put down the damn computer and have sex, that might make it easier.

Just kidding
In Ohio, a concert go’er shot former Pantera guitarist Darrell “Dime bag” Abbott. It is so tragic when an innocent musician is shot . . . and it isn’t Kenny G.

A sure sign, eh?
Canada has approved same-sex marriage. And the definition of a gay Canadian man? A guy who, when holding his ice-fishing rod, extends his pinky finger.