Thursday, December 09, 2004

That’s how we roll in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The lie that Bonds
Now that Barry Bonds has admitted he used steroids, in retrospect, it seems kind of obvious. We should have suspected something wasn’t right when Barry would choke up on his bat, and sawdust flew out.

You know how normal players warm up with a weight called a donut on their bats? Barry used the wheel rim from a ’68 Chevy.

There were clues that Barry Bonds used steroids, we just didn’t recognize them. Take for example that time Barry Bonds charged the mound, and the mound ran away?

One of the symptoms of steroid use is increased skull growth. Remember a few years ago when the San Francisco Giants won the pennant? It took ten bottles of champagne just to get Barry Bonds’s entire head wet.

One of the symptoms of steroid use is increased skull growth. You could tell Barry Bonds was using steroids when the San Francisco Giants equipment manager started to use Barry Bonds discarded hats as a car cover.

I don’t want to say it was obvious that Barry Bonds was using steroids, but when Bonds used the clubhouse urinal, the urinal grew twice as big.

OK, Lex, we got the point . . .
Now that we think about it, there were signs that Barry Bonds was using steroids. You know that Christmas tree in Rockefeller Plaza? Louisville Slugger wants to use it to make Barry’s next bat.

Or something like that
Harrison Ford has signed up for the fourth Indiana Jones. I think this one is called “Indiana Jones, Early Bird Special.”

I’m not sure the fourth Indiana Jones is going to go over well. The big movie catch phrase is “You punks get off my lawn.”

It was during recess, or as they call it in New Orleans, Happy Hour
In New Orleans, an eight –year-old girl was suspended for bringing Jello shots to school. Anywhere else she would have been suspended for bringing alcohol to minors, in New Orleans she was suspended for not bringing enough for everybody.

On the bright side, Michael Jackson wants to hire her as a Never Land ranch cocktail waitress.