Friday, October 22, 2004

Oh, now, it don’t got to go and be all like that, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The old bate and switch
A survey reveals that 67% of fans are cheering for the Boston Red Sox. Upon hearing this, John Kerry said; “Hey, maybe I should switch and become a Red Sox fan. Oh wait, I already am one.”

Next week, Kerry will testify against goose hunting at a P.E.T.A. committee
John Kerry announced he went goose hunting. But today, Swift Goose Hunters for Truth claims that he didn’t.

Kerry only shot two geese but, for some reason, he was awarded three bronze stars.

The Pussification of America, Part 45,989
Puyallup Washington school district has banned Halloween for fear of offending practicing witches, announced school spokesperson, Karen Henson. Henson then zapped a fly with her tongue, croaked “ribbit” and hopped away.

Not good
Ben Affleck’s latest movie; “Surviving Christmas” is out. How bad is it according to critics? Gigli bells, Gigli bells, Gigli all the way . . .

Makes sense
According to a new poll from ABC News, more Republicans say they have a good sex life than Democrats. That’s not surprising, republicans at Arthur Anderson, Enron and World Com have enjoyed screwing people for a long time.

Among other charges in her sexual harassment suit, the Fox female producer claims Bill O’Reilly pleasured himself while talking to her on the phone. Kind of brings a creepy meaning to the term “put on hold.”

It’s about time
In response to the flu shot shortage, health experts suggest one of the best ways to prevent the flu is to avoid large crowds. Finally some good news for Miami Dolphin fans.

So there
Both campaigns are accusing each other of using subliminal messages. President Bush denied the charge insisting he hasn’t even been to the country of Sublimin.

That’s bad
The New York fans are still in shock at the Yankees four game collapse. How bad is it? Even the Mets are making Yankee jokes.

Quite a plummet
Cuba President Fidel Castro tripped and fell fracturing his knee and elbow. It was the worst fall by a politician since Howard Dean’s red-faced rant.

A valid concern
It’s the Boston Red Sox vs. the St. Louis Cardinals in the World Series. The Cardinals are concerned because the Red Sox are the sentimental favorite; the Red Sox are worried because, since the Boston Archdiocese sex scandal, they are terrified of having so many Cardinals in town.

Never too careful
With the World Series coming to town, concerned Boston mayor Thomas Menino is considering banning alcohol sales during the games, increasing security, and since so many Cardinals are coming to town, hiding all altar boys.

Or something like that
Former Laker coach Phil Jackson’s book “The Last Season” is very revealing. Known for his soothing Zen philosophy, Jackson reveals his new mediation mantra. Apparently it’s: Nail that jerk Kobe.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

We ain’t gonna play you like no playa playin’ playa up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

What a concept
Get a load of this. If Houston wins tonight, the World Series will match the presidential race: Massachusetts against Texas. So I guess that makes the Arizona Diamondbacks Ralph Nader.

That seems a little mean
The Court of Arbitration for Sport in Switzerland ruled that Paul Hamm can keep his all-around gymnastics gold medal. In addition, the Sport Court also ruled that the Miami Dolphins really suck.

Teresa Heinz “57 varieties of sticking her foot in her mouth” Kerry said of former teacher, librarian, housewife Laura Bush; “I don't know that she's ever had a real job.” Kerry apologized. For the next two weeks, why do I picture Teresa gagged and shoved in an empty ketchup barrel?

A spokesperson for Teresa Heinz Kerry excused her remarks by describing Kerry as eccentric. Incidentally you’re eccentric if you’re crazy but also rich enough to pay spokespeople to describe you as eccentric.

Well, that’s something, I guess
A German study reveals that being in traffic can trigger heart attacks in heart-attack susceptible people. The good news for L.A. drivers? You’ll already be dead before they can shoot you.

A witness to the Abu Ghraib prison abuse said the CIA sometimes directed the abuse. I’m not so sure about that. When asked to comment, a CIA spokesperson said; “Who's Abu Ghraib?”

No easy task that
The Boston Red Sox might have accomplished the most amazing achievement in all of sports. The first team to comeback after being down 3-0 isn’t the most amazing achievement, it’s shutting up New York Yankee fans.

In game six after a home run ruling went against them, the New York Yankee fans threw bottles, cans and even cell phones. They even tossed that Verizon guy onto the field. He was in left field saying; “Can you hear me now? Good.”

How about the name Softswatch?
Microsoft and Swatch announced they’ve teamed up to make a wireless data watch called the Paparazzi line. Maybe I don’t get it, but is there such a thing as a wired watch? Wouldn’t that have to be one long-ass wire?

The Paparazzi watch is amazing, you can get and send e-mails, live news, scores, stock quotes, the weather. It does just about everything except, well, tell the time.

In sad news, a friend of mine lost their grandfather this week; it turns out he died of old age waiting in line for his flu shot.

It is getting ugly
Delaware. Sen. Joe Biden described President Bush as brain dead. To which Bush replied; “That ain’t nice making fun of those poor people who are in one of them commas.

No spank zone?
The accusations of phone sex against Bill O’Reilly are amazing. What this guy needs is a no spin zone in his pants.

No WMD’s here either
In San Diego there is an exhibit called “Weapons of the World.” It features historic weapons from all over the world. There is a German cannon, a Russian sword and a French running shoe.

In San Diego there is an exhibit called “Weapons of the World.” It features weapons from all over the world. It’s sad, someone from the White House calls the “Weapons of the World” exhibit each day and asks; “Anything from Iraq yet? You sure? Did you double check?”

Since you asked:
How about these baseball playoffs? It’s turning me from just a Cubs fan into a baseball fan. It used to be next to impossible for me to sit through a game without one of the teams being the Cubs. Even then, if I had it TiVo’d, I’d one or even two arrow speed it up when the other team was at bat. Not this post season. Great teams, great games, great outcomes. Well, so far anyway. The St Louis Bloody Birds have to lose tonight for it to be all great outcomes.

Lex's (oh no, not again) cooking hour
Have I told you about Lex’s “Willy Nilly” chilli? OK, I know I tend to go on about my grilling and such, (Oh, no, Lex, not you. Compared to you Emerill is a hot dog vendor) but man, did I hit it with my chili Monday night, if I do say so my own self.

See, we had wind and rain like you read about it the last two days. Oh, and while I am on that topic, in any state other than California, a Volcano would have to suddenly shoot out of the middle of town to warrant as much discussion as the rain gets around here. A one-year-old kid was jumping up and down and going nuts with happiness and his mother explained it was his very first rainstorm. We Californians are so weak.

Anyway, it was raining, so I used that excuse to make my Lex’s “Willy Nilly” chili. Bless my Mom’s heart and soul, her chili recipe was not her best dish. It was a very tomato-ridden soupy thing with kidney beans and so many bay leaves the bowl looked like an un-kept pool in October. So when I would sit in our suburban Illinois basement and watch a western on TV, invariably they would be eating chili in cool wooden bowls and it was always a thick, brown, chunky looking slop that made me drool with envy. It gave me the same feeling of envy, wonder and confusion as did those shots of people in California skiing in shorts and t-shirts.

Well, one day in college, a good friend in Santa Barbara took me to Cold Springs Tavern – pause for herald angels to trumpet– and told me to order the chili. A lifetime of confusion ended. This was the cool, thick, bubbly, brown and meaty stuff those cowboys had tortured me with all my youth.

Sadly, Cold Springs Tavern would not divulge their recipe so I had to launch out on the vast Internet to find one as good, and I did. It’s the award winning Fred Drexel’s 1981 chili that features no beans. It is thick, a wonderful ruddy brown, and littered with awesome chunks of meat. Served with a dollop of sour cream, grated cheddar cheese, diced onions, crunched blue tortilla chips and a corn bread biscuits – I love that word biscuit. This chili is the cure for what ails you on a cold night.

It is this recipe with a few Lex changes.

I add more garlic, cumin, a chopped red pepper, and a couple heaping tablespoons of Masa corn flour for thickness, ½ bottle more beer, a dash of red wine and a splash of balsamic vinegar. Oh, and in honor of Mom, I do add a can of drained ranch beans at the very end so there is a token amount of beans, just not a preponderance of beanage. Mine takes just over four hours to simmer.

Warning, it is a rich rib-sticker, so take heart burn precautions where necessary.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Oh we on it like you read about it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

“The Thunderbirds” gone wild
The big discussion about the puppet movie “Team America:World Police” is the puppet sex scene. “It’s the most realistic, erotic scene I’ve ever seen,” said Al Gore.

They had a scene with a puppet President Bush but they had to cut it out; without Dick Cheney to control the strings, it just wasn’t realistic.

New Yahhhkers (Get the drum kit ready)
The Boston Red Sox have come back against the Yankees to force a game six in New York. You can tell New York is excited. The cops are adding the phrase “Go Yankees” to the corpses’ toe tags.

You can tell the Yankee fans are excited. Now when a tourist asks for directions, they add “Go Yankees” to the phrase, “Go screw yourself.”

You can tell Yankee fans are excited. In New York, the cab drivers are wearing their pinstriped turbans.

You can tell the New York fans are excited about the Yankees. In Times Square, for an extra $50, the Hookers will Derek your Jeter.

In Just One Year
In a letter posted on her website, Britney Spears says she’s taking a break from her career. In addition to marrying her backup dancer, gaining weight, losing her business manager, dying her hair brown, Britney has been busy working on her book; “How To Destroy Your Career.”

In fact, Britney isn’t going to sing again until next year. Sure, she’s going on tour in November, but she isn’t going to sing again until next year.

On her latest CD, Britney Spears has recorded a rap song about her recent exploits. In terms of historical musical significance, Britney’s rap song ranks right up there with John Tesh’s blues album, Kenny G’s techno number and Yoko Ono’s disco song.

Yah Scurvy Dawg, yahs, arrrrrh
British authorities have charged Abu Hamza al-Masri, with urging followers to kill non-Muslims. In addition, the one-eyed, hook-handed al-Masri was also charged with badly impersonating an old pirate joke.

During the trial the judge had to repeatedly scold the prosecuting attorney to not to say to the one-eyed, hook-handed al-Masri, “You're be a Scally-wag yah be, harr, me Matey.”

Sad, but true
Something has been bugging me during the A.L.C.S. series and I finally figured out what it was; if you shaved his beard, long-haired Boston Red Sox outfielder Johnny Damon bares a striking resemblance to the girl I took to the junior prom. And, sadly, you wouldn’t even have to shave off all of his beard.

Time flies with fleas
Tomorrow Snoop Doggy Dog turns 33. Which is actually 231 years in Doggy Dog years.

Smooch, smooch, smooch
James Lipton hosted Jennifer Lopez on “Inside the Actors Studio.” Afterwards, Lipton required medical treatment for his severely chapped lips from kissing that much butt.

See, that’s not good
There were problems with Nevada’s early voting machines in Las Vegas; voters kept jamming quarters in them and demanding their free drink.

Monday, October 18, 2004

Don’t even mess with this here sass, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

“Team America”
“South Park” creators “Team America” puppet movie opened this weekend. I don’t want to give anything away, but my favorite scene was when that Bill O’Reilly puppet called and asked Miss Piggy what she was wearing.

How cold was it?
Man it was cold last night. I was shaking like a female Fox producer with Bill O’Reilly on call waiting.

They don’t miss a trick there at CBS
After the news of the sexual harrassement suit broke, Bill O’Reilly’s ratings have doubled. As a result, today CBS changed the name of their show to; “Raymond Loves Everybody”

Is anyone really surprised by the charges against Bill O’Reilly? The guy even works for a network named after a sleazy 70’s term for a pretty woman: Fox. I guess the name Happenin’ Chick Network was already taken.

About to nap with the fishes
I’m not saying the Boston Red Sox are dead, but they just told Michael Corleone that Barzini wants a meeting.

Have you seen the hit show “Lost”? It features a bunch of travelers stranded on a deserted island. It’s sort of “Gilligan’s Island” on Ritalin.

It’s official
It was reported that independent candidate Ralph Nader is on the ballot in 30 states. That brings his total of states to exactly twice his actual supporters.

That’s right sweet
During the debate, President Bush said that when he met his wife, “it was love at first sight.” Actually it was love at first sight twice, he was seeing double at the time.

And I didn’t even know that Laura Bush used to be a bartender.

Bush knew Laura was the one, she was even pretty those times when he was sober.

Just a guess mind you
The New York Times reports that the Mets are starting their own television network. You’ve heard of Fox? I think the Mets’s network is called Goat.

Call the Count
Fourteen more days until the election. Or as President Bush calls it: this many (hands open) plus four.

Adios Sammy
Just to show you how slim the Boston Red Sox chances of coming back to beat the Yankees are, if Sammy Sosa was a Red Sox, he would have left the clubhouse five innings ago.

Did you hear about this? Sammy Sosa left the Chicago Cubs last game in the third inning, so now there are trade rumors. But Sammy said he had a good excuse, he only ordered enough steroids for 161 games.

The good ol’ days
Director Oliver Stone said he lost his virginity when his father took him to a whore house. See that? Fathers just don’t spend quality time with their kids like they used to.

Motor City Madness
“Men’s Health” magazine has named Detroit the sexual disease capital of the U.S. To which long-frustrated Lions, Piston and Tiger fans chanted: “We’re number one. We’re number one”

Error Jordan
In Rick Reilly's "Who's Your Caddy" Reilly writes that Michael Jordan loses up to $200,000 a golf game. Now, I don't want to say Michael is a lousy gambler, but the third time Jordan saw "The Legend of Seabiscuit" during the match race, he still bet on War Admiral.