Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Oh we on it like you read about it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

“The Thunderbirds” gone wild
The big discussion about the puppet movie “Team America:World Police” is the puppet sex scene. “It’s the most realistic, erotic scene I’ve ever seen,” said Al Gore.

They had a scene with a puppet President Bush but they had to cut it out; without Dick Cheney to control the strings, it just wasn’t realistic.

New Yahhhkers (Get the drum kit ready)
The Boston Red Sox have come back against the Yankees to force a game six in New York. You can tell New York is excited. The cops are adding the phrase “Go Yankees” to the corpses’ toe tags.

You can tell the Yankee fans are excited. Now when a tourist asks for directions, they add “Go Yankees” to the phrase, “Go screw yourself.”

You can tell Yankee fans are excited. In New York, the cab drivers are wearing their pinstriped turbans.

You can tell the New York fans are excited about the Yankees. In Times Square, for an extra $50, the Hookers will Derek your Jeter.

In Just One Year
In a letter posted on her website, Britney Spears says she’s taking a break from her career. In addition to marrying her backup dancer, gaining weight, losing her business manager, dying her hair brown, Britney has been busy working on her book; “How To Destroy Your Career.”

In fact, Britney isn’t going to sing again until next year. Sure, she’s going on tour in November, but she isn’t going to sing again until next year.

On her latest CD, Britney Spears has recorded a rap song about her recent exploits. In terms of historical musical significance, Britney’s rap song ranks right up there with John Tesh’s blues album, Kenny G’s techno number and Yoko Ono’s disco song.

Yah Scurvy Dawg, yahs, arrrrrh
British authorities have charged Abu Hamza al-Masri, with urging followers to kill non-Muslims. In addition, the one-eyed, hook-handed al-Masri was also charged with badly impersonating an old pirate joke.

During the trial the judge had to repeatedly scold the prosecuting attorney to not to say to the one-eyed, hook-handed al-Masri, “You're be a Scally-wag yah be, harr, me Matey.”

Sad, but true
Something has been bugging me during the A.L.C.S. series and I finally figured out what it was; if you shaved his beard, long-haired Boston Red Sox outfielder Johnny Damon bares a striking resemblance to the girl I took to the junior prom. And, sadly, you wouldn’t even have to shave off all of his beard.

Time flies with fleas
Tomorrow Snoop Doggy Dog turns 33. Which is actually 231 years in Doggy Dog years.

Smooch, smooch, smooch
James Lipton hosted Jennifer Lopez on “Inside the Actors Studio.” Afterwards, Lipton required medical treatment for his severely chapped lips from kissing that much butt.

See, that’s not good
There were problems with Nevada’s early voting machines in Las Vegas; voters kept jamming quarters in them and demanding their free drink.