Monday, October 18, 2004

Don’t even mess with this here sass, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

“Team America”
“South Park” creators “Team America” puppet movie opened this weekend. I don’t want to give anything away, but my favorite scene was when that Bill O’Reilly puppet called and asked Miss Piggy what she was wearing.

How cold was it?
Man it was cold last night. I was shaking like a female Fox producer with Bill O’Reilly on call waiting.

They don’t miss a trick there at CBS
After the news of the sexual harrassement suit broke, Bill O’Reilly’s ratings have doubled. As a result, today CBS changed the name of their show to; “Raymond Loves Everybody”

Is anyone really surprised by the charges against Bill O’Reilly? The guy even works for a network named after a sleazy 70’s term for a pretty woman: Fox. I guess the name Happenin’ Chick Network was already taken.

About to nap with the fishes
I’m not saying the Boston Red Sox are dead, but they just told Michael Corleone that Barzini wants a meeting.

Have you seen the hit show “Lost”? It features a bunch of travelers stranded on a deserted island. It’s sort of “Gilligan’s Island” on Ritalin.

It’s official
It was reported that independent candidate Ralph Nader is on the ballot in 30 states. That brings his total of states to exactly twice his actual supporters.

That’s right sweet
During the debate, President Bush said that when he met his wife, “it was love at first sight.” Actually it was love at first sight twice, he was seeing double at the time.

And I didn’t even know that Laura Bush used to be a bartender.

Bush knew Laura was the one, she was even pretty those times when he was sober.

Just a guess mind you
The New York Times reports that the Mets are starting their own television network. You’ve heard of Fox? I think the Mets’s network is called Goat.

Call the Count
Fourteen more days until the election. Or as President Bush calls it: this many (hands open) plus four.

Adios Sammy
Just to show you how slim the Boston Red Sox chances of coming back to beat the Yankees are, if Sammy Sosa was a Red Sox, he would have left the clubhouse five innings ago.

Did you hear about this? Sammy Sosa left the Chicago Cubs last game in the third inning, so now there are trade rumors. But Sammy said he had a good excuse, he only ordered enough steroids for 161 games.

The good ol’ days
Director Oliver Stone said he lost his virginity when his father took him to a whore house. See that? Fathers just don’t spend quality time with their kids like they used to.

Motor City Madness
“Men’s Health” magazine has named Detroit the sexual disease capital of the U.S. To which long-frustrated Lions, Piston and Tiger fans chanted: “We’re number one. We’re number one”

Error Jordan
In Rick Reilly's "Who's Your Caddy" Reilly writes that Michael Jordan loses up to $200,000 a golf game. Now, I don't want to say Michael is a lousy gambler, but the third time Jordan saw "The Legend of Seabiscuit" during the match race, he still bet on War Admiral.