Friday, October 22, 2004

Oh, now, it don’t got to go and be all like that, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The old bate and switch
A survey reveals that 67% of fans are cheering for the Boston Red Sox. Upon hearing this, John Kerry said; “Hey, maybe I should switch and become a Red Sox fan. Oh wait, I already am one.”

Next week, Kerry will testify against goose hunting at a P.E.T.A. committee
John Kerry announced he went goose hunting. But today, Swift Goose Hunters for Truth claims that he didn’t.

Kerry only shot two geese but, for some reason, he was awarded three bronze stars.

The Pussification of America, Part 45,989
Puyallup Washington school district has banned Halloween for fear of offending practicing witches, announced school spokesperson, Karen Henson. Henson then zapped a fly with her tongue, croaked “ribbit” and hopped away.

Not good
Ben Affleck’s latest movie; “Surviving Christmas” is out. How bad is it according to critics? Gigli bells, Gigli bells, Gigli all the way . . .

Makes sense
According to a new poll from ABC News, more Republicans say they have a good sex life than Democrats. That’s not surprising, republicans at Arthur Anderson, Enron and World Com have enjoyed screwing people for a long time.

Among other charges in her sexual harassment suit, the Fox female producer claims Bill O’Reilly pleasured himself while talking to her on the phone. Kind of brings a creepy meaning to the term “put on hold.”

It’s about time
In response to the flu shot shortage, health experts suggest one of the best ways to prevent the flu is to avoid large crowds. Finally some good news for Miami Dolphin fans.

So there
Both campaigns are accusing each other of using subliminal messages. President Bush denied the charge insisting he hasn’t even been to the country of Sublimin.

That’s bad
The New York fans are still in shock at the Yankees four game collapse. How bad is it? Even the Mets are making Yankee jokes.

Quite a plummet
Cuba President Fidel Castro tripped and fell fracturing his knee and elbow. It was the worst fall by a politician since Howard Dean’s red-faced rant.

A valid concern
It’s the Boston Red Sox vs. the St. Louis Cardinals in the World Series. The Cardinals are concerned because the Red Sox are the sentimental favorite; the Red Sox are worried because, since the Boston Archdiocese sex scandal, they are terrified of having so many Cardinals in town.

Never too careful
With the World Series coming to town, concerned Boston mayor Thomas Menino is considering banning alcohol sales during the games, increasing security, and since so many Cardinals are coming to town, hiding all altar boys.

Or something like that
Former Laker coach Phil Jackson’s book “The Last Season” is very revealing. Known for his soothing Zen philosophy, Jackson reveals his new mediation mantra. Apparently it’s: Nail that jerk Kobe.