Saturday, June 05, 2004

Don’t play a player or you gonna get flat-out played like a half-steppen' Mofizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

(Got no idea what that means, but I like it)

Jesus told us so
The Christian rock band Creed is breaking up; this has to come as relief to their groupies. Can you imagine how frustrating it is to be a groupie for a Christian rock band? That would be like being Ozzie Osbourne’s personal trainer.

I love this topic
As I mentioned, a Swedish newspaper conducted a poll of journalists to compile the world’s smelliest celebrities list. You know who isn’t on the list? Smarty Jones. How embarrassing is it to make a smelliest celebrity list ahead of a big sweaty horse?

When I think of a world’s smelliest celebrity list, two words come to mind: Michael Moore.

Apparently C.I.A. stands for Can’t Intercept Anything
How rough has it been over at the C.I.A.? They just figured out that the recently resigned director George Tenet’s last name is spelled the same forward and backwards.

Since you asked: (Or as my daughter would say; “Since you askededed)
As David Letterman would say, I wouldn’t give President Bush’s problems to a monkey on a rock. President of the United States has to be the worst job in the world. Well, next to laundering Michael Moore’s dirty underwear.

This smelly celebrity thing is insightful. These journalist report that, at close door promotion interviews, these stars actually stink up the room. One radio station said that, after Keanu Reeves left after plugging a movie, they had to fumigate the place.

Now, Slats and Nugs, let’s be forthcoming. We’ve all been there, lazy weekends where you just can’t seem to make it in the shower for a day or so. But if an entire day was scheduled to meet with the world’s press corps, couldn’t you find your way to a shower? Maybe even, oh, I don’t know, how about brushing your teeth? A shot of cologne or so? Which list would you rather make, smelliest celebrity or celebrity that smells like a French whore? I’ll take the French whore each time.

It speaks to how out-of-touch these celebrities are. Listen, face it, we are all weird. We all have a tad or more of the inner kook. But usually our family, friends and co-workers keep us in check.

“Hey, um, Alex, maybe it might be better if you zipped your pants before your meeting.” Or, “Hey, Joe, I know the alien brain-reading transistors are really high today, but don’t go to church wearing that tin-foil cap.”

Well, that’s why these celebrities are so whacky. Nobody gives them this advice. If some movie industry suit told Russell Crowe, “Hey, Russ, no offense, babe, but you smell like a wet dog at low tide.” That guy would be looking for a new job and possibly some corrective dental work.

Change of topic
The Belmont? Sporty Jones, Rock Hard Ten, Master David, (9,5,1) $20 Trifecta. Oh, and bet $2 on Smarty Jones (9) and don’t cash it. That ticket could be worth bucks in a few years, if he wins.

The pressure is on. I have picked both exactas in the Triple Crown legs so far. The Derby was a cool $1200 pay-off on a $50 bet. $655 for the same bet $50 on the Preakness. Now I am getting cocky and going for the Trifecta. Neeeeeee Haaawwww. It is a pretty small field, though.

Wish me luck.

Oh, and I got a bone to pick with the Post Office. At least twice a week - always before holidays - they have a total, B.S. mail delivery. They grab a couple pieces of junk mail and whip around real fast tossing it in the mailboxes and then they go home early. Just stop delivering mail on Saturday and give us real deliveries on weekdays.

Why, oh why, is it always up to me to solve all of the problems, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers? Why? Oh my.

(Polite applause)

Friday, June 04, 2004

Start playing that at-bat song, it’s on now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

C.I.A. M.I.A.
*Yesterday, George Tenet resigned from the C.I.A. citing the always dubious and questionable “personal reasons.” Unfortunately, this was also the most concise and accurate statement of Tenet’s tenure.

Tenet then consulted his family and discovered that he was wrong, he did not have any personal reasons. Again, just a case of bad information.

*The head of C.I.A. overseas clandestine operations, James Pavitt, also resigned. When asked to comment, President Bush said;

“I am sure we will find a good replacement to serve the C.I.A. in the fine country of Clandestine.”

The C.I.A. claims there is no relation between the director Tenet’s resignation and this latest one. Why do these C.I.A. guys have to be so secret about everything?

Apparently there is a personal reasons virus spreading through the C.I.A.

P.R. move
*Television ratings are low for the Stanley Cup NHL finals. In a related story, today the Calgary Flame changed their name to the Fantasia Berrino’s.

John Kerry me off this plane
*Yesterday, John Kerry said natural gas would be a big part of his energy program. Yawn. Now, I’d hate to imply that John Kerry is boring, but Kerry may be the only guy in the country who could make someone long to sit next to Al Gore on a transcontinental flight.

In my best Johnny Carson voice
*The NBA finals are set. The Los Angeles Lakers against the Detroit Pistons. I don’t want to say the Pistons don’t have a chance, but in Las Vegas, you can get better odds on Kobe Bryant making “Husband of the Year.” Hmmmmm. That's, uh, that's good stuff.

Pope on a case
*George W. Bush met with the Pope John II, and the Pope admonished Bush about the various problems in Iraq. You know things are going bad when the Pope gets on your case.

Poor Britney
*It’s reported that Britney Spears and her boyfriend got matching tattoos. And not one of those press-on deals either, it’s not fake, Britney’s tattoo is real, unlike her singing and her breasts.

We'll do lunch, after you shower
*A Swedish newspaper conducted a poll of journalists for the world’s smelliest celebrities list. The biggest shock? “American Idol” reject William Hung isn’t on the list. How can that be? Nobody stinks more than William Hung.

Ozzie Osbourne did not make the world’s smelliest celebrity list, and that guy lives with dozens of incontinent animals.

Besides Brad Pitt, Russell Crowe and that Star Wars guy who played the young Darth Vadar, you know who also made the Swedish newspapers’ Worst Smelling Celebrity List? The New York Mets.

Brad Pitt was the winner of the world’s smelliest celebrities. Brad reportedly isn’t big on the deodorant. In fact, if you look closely at the movie “Troy” you can actually see the Greek warriors battling Pitt are holding their nose.

Who was second on the world’s smelliest celebrity list? Well, let’s just say, when it comes to hygiene, Russell Crowe isn’t exactly master and commander of the shower.

There is an entire list of famous celebrities that smell bad. These big shots are so huge and important, nobody will even tell them they stink. How long do you think the guy at Radio Shack could get away with that?

“Yeah, I’ll take this phone cable. Oh, by the way, you reek, Pal.”

Speaking of Hung
*Reports are that “American Idol” reject William Hung has turned into quite the difficult Diva, insisting on payment for autographs and making many demands at appearances. OK, that’s it, the fifteen minutes are up. Hey William, the joke is over, honestly, you really do suck.

Cracking down. Hey, I can’t say crack anymore
*The F.C.C. is really cracking down on crude sexual references of any kind, including sports. Today the F.C.C. demanded the NFL’s Tennessee Titans change their name to the Tennessee Breastans.

Since you asked:
No kidding, apparently these celebrities really stink. Russell Crowe's publicity sessions for "Master and Commander" were held on a boat. For the ship and movie connection, right? That's what the publicist told Crowe. The truth was he wanted the press up- wind of his grumpy and smelly star.

There were reports of complaints on the set of "Troy" because Brad is so staunchly anti-deodorant.

I love Rebecca's drunken-line in "Cheers." "I want to be so rich I can stink and nobody will say a word." Well, apparently that's what happened to these folks.

So, the next time you hear a Hollywood big shot spew his un-qualified opinions on politics and social issues, just remember, that guy probably smells like a Manhattan summer garbage strike.

Oh, and one more thing on the Brad Pitt stinking issue: Guys, if you think this puts us one up on Mr. Pitt, remember, he is richer than us, much more handsome than us, much more famous than us and he sleeps with Jennifer Aniston. And Brad can always take a shower.

Thursday, June 03, 2004

Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It’s so over
*The NBA finals are set. The Los Angeles Lakers against the Detroit Pistons. For those more familiar with “American Idol” than the NBA, think Fantasia Barrino vs. William Hung.

I don’t want to say the Pistons don’t stand any chance against the Lakers, but Smarty Jones has a better chance of winning next year’s Indy 500.

Use your listening ears, France
*In Paris, President George W. Bush said he was not angry with France over its refusal to back the U.S.-led war in Iraq. Bush sounds like a parent: “We aren’t angry, France, just very disappointed.”

Bush then put the entire country of France in a time-out.

Oh, that’s unfortunate
*There was an embarrassing moment at the White House today. When asked why he accepted CIA director George Tenet’s resignation, President Bush replied; “Accept his Resignation? No, I couldn’t take his car now. I just told the guy to quit.”

*President Bush announced that CIA Director George J. Tenet has resigned. Bush said Tenet resigned for personal reasons. Yeah, the personal reasons is that Bush personally told him to resign.

Say it ain’t so
*The highly anticipated "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban," opens this weekend. I’m going to hope and assume that Azkaban is not a prison in Iraq. That’s the last thing we need, Harry Potter in trouble for abusing Iraqi prisoners.

Since you asked:
What is your at-bat song, Slats and Nuggies? You know that song snippet they play when a major leaguer comes to bat? What is yours? Mine? The Rolling Stones’ “Can’t You Hear Me Knockin.’” No, you can’t have it.

Here are a list of some famous folks would-be at bat songs:

President Bush: “Don’t Know Much About History”

John Kerry: “Both Sides Now”

Billy Joel: "I can't drive 55"

Martha Stewart: “Chain Gang”

J. Lo:. “The Wedding Song”

Richard Simmons “The Bitch is Back”

Paris Hilton: “Whole Lotta Love”

Courtney Love: “Crazy”

And of course:

Michael Jackson: “Boy Crazy”

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

Oh no, you di’ ‘int, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How ugly?

*The Detroit Pistons beat the Indiana Pacers in a very ugly 69-65 game. That game was uglier than film-maker Michael Moore in a Speedo. OK, maybe not that ugly.

That game was uglier than a “Swan” contestant before the plastic surgery.

That game was uglier than an “American Idol” reject William Hung encore.

Yo, Adrian
A new study has found that "yo-yo dieting" - repeatedly losing, then regaining weight - may harm a woman's immune system. Asked to comment on the harm of “yo-yo dieting” President Bush said; “Of course it’s harmful. Whoever heard of eating yo-yo’s anyway? That’s crazy.”

No horse power
*The field for the Belmont could include six horses, maybe five, and that's assuming no scratches. One more scratch and they’ll have to change it from a horse race to a game of bridge.

*Kentucky Derby runner-up Lion Heart isn’t running in the Belmont. Lion Heart is ducking Smarty Jones. That is so weak, they should change his name to the Detroit Lions Heart.

Trial of tears
* The trial of Scott Peterson is just beginning. What’s their hurry? Hasn’t that pre-trial thing been going on for two years? Who is running this thing, the Boulder Colorado police?

At this pace the Scott Petterson trial won’t be over until O.J. catches the real killers.

Much better
*The name of the prime minister of the interim Iraqi government is Ghazi Yawar. That’s better than their first choice, a woman named Ann Arky.

What a choice job Prime Minister of Iraq is. Was the job of Prime Minister of Palestine not dangerous enough?

Again with this one?
*They arrested a new terrorist leader in Iraq. This guy was caught trying to fashion primitive weapons out of rocks and sticks like Fred Flintstone. I think his name was Abu Dabba Doo.