Saturday, June 05, 2004

Don’t play a player or you gonna get flat-out played like a half-steppen' Mofizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

(Got no idea what that means, but I like it)

Jesus told us so
The Christian rock band Creed is breaking up; this has to come as relief to their groupies. Can you imagine how frustrating it is to be a groupie for a Christian rock band? That would be like being Ozzie Osbourne’s personal trainer.

I love this topic
As I mentioned, a Swedish newspaper conducted a poll of journalists to compile the world’s smelliest celebrities list. You know who isn’t on the list? Smarty Jones. How embarrassing is it to make a smelliest celebrity list ahead of a big sweaty horse?

When I think of a world’s smelliest celebrity list, two words come to mind: Michael Moore.

Apparently C.I.A. stands for Can’t Intercept Anything
How rough has it been over at the C.I.A.? They just figured out that the recently resigned director George Tenet’s last name is spelled the same forward and backwards.

Since you asked: (Or as my daughter would say; “Since you askededed)
As David Letterman would say, I wouldn’t give President Bush’s problems to a monkey on a rock. President of the United States has to be the worst job in the world. Well, next to laundering Michael Moore’s dirty underwear.

This smelly celebrity thing is insightful. These journalist report that, at close door promotion interviews, these stars actually stink up the room. One radio station said that, after Keanu Reeves left after plugging a movie, they had to fumigate the place.

Now, Slats and Nugs, let’s be forthcoming. We’ve all been there, lazy weekends where you just can’t seem to make it in the shower for a day or so. But if an entire day was scheduled to meet with the world’s press corps, couldn’t you find your way to a shower? Maybe even, oh, I don’t know, how about brushing your teeth? A shot of cologne or so? Which list would you rather make, smelliest celebrity or celebrity that smells like a French whore? I’ll take the French whore each time.

It speaks to how out-of-touch these celebrities are. Listen, face it, we are all weird. We all have a tad or more of the inner kook. But usually our family, friends and co-workers keep us in check.

“Hey, um, Alex, maybe it might be better if you zipped your pants before your meeting.” Or, “Hey, Joe, I know the alien brain-reading transistors are really high today, but don’t go to church wearing that tin-foil cap.”

Well, that’s why these celebrities are so whacky. Nobody gives them this advice. If some movie industry suit told Russell Crowe, “Hey, Russ, no offense, babe, but you smell like a wet dog at low tide.” That guy would be looking for a new job and possibly some corrective dental work.

Change of topic
The Belmont? Sporty Jones, Rock Hard Ten, Master David, (9,5,1) $20 Trifecta. Oh, and bet $2 on Smarty Jones (9) and don’t cash it. That ticket could be worth bucks in a few years, if he wins.

The pressure is on. I have picked both exactas in the Triple Crown legs so far. The Derby was a cool $1200 pay-off on a $50 bet. $655 for the same bet $50 on the Preakness. Now I am getting cocky and going for the Trifecta. Neeeeeee Haaawwww. It is a pretty small field, though.

Wish me luck.

Oh, and I got a bone to pick with the Post Office. At least twice a week - always before holidays - they have a total, B.S. mail delivery. They grab a couple pieces of junk mail and whip around real fast tossing it in the mailboxes and then they go home early. Just stop delivering mail on Saturday and give us real deliveries on weekdays.

Why, oh why, is it always up to me to solve all of the problems, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers? Why? Oh my.

(Polite applause)