Friday, June 04, 2004

Start playing that at-bat song, it’s on now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

C.I.A. M.I.A.
*Yesterday, George Tenet resigned from the C.I.A. citing the always dubious and questionable “personal reasons.” Unfortunately, this was also the most concise and accurate statement of Tenet’s tenure.

Tenet then consulted his family and discovered that he was wrong, he did not have any personal reasons. Again, just a case of bad information.

*The head of C.I.A. overseas clandestine operations, James Pavitt, also resigned. When asked to comment, President Bush said;

“I am sure we will find a good replacement to serve the C.I.A. in the fine country of Clandestine.”

The C.I.A. claims there is no relation between the director Tenet’s resignation and this latest one. Why do these C.I.A. guys have to be so secret about everything?

Apparently there is a personal reasons virus spreading through the C.I.A.

P.R. move
*Television ratings are low for the Stanley Cup NHL finals. In a related story, today the Calgary Flame changed their name to the Fantasia Berrino’s.

John Kerry me off this plane
*Yesterday, John Kerry said natural gas would be a big part of his energy program. Yawn. Now, I’d hate to imply that John Kerry is boring, but Kerry may be the only guy in the country who could make someone long to sit next to Al Gore on a transcontinental flight.

In my best Johnny Carson voice
*The NBA finals are set. The Los Angeles Lakers against the Detroit Pistons. I don’t want to say the Pistons don’t have a chance, but in Las Vegas, you can get better odds on Kobe Bryant making “Husband of the Year.” Hmmmmm. That's, uh, that's good stuff.

Pope on a case
*George W. Bush met with the Pope John II, and the Pope admonished Bush about the various problems in Iraq. You know things are going bad when the Pope gets on your case.

Poor Britney
*It’s reported that Britney Spears and her boyfriend got matching tattoos. And not one of those press-on deals either, it’s not fake, Britney’s tattoo is real, unlike her singing and her breasts.

We'll do lunch, after you shower
*A Swedish newspaper conducted a poll of journalists for the world’s smelliest celebrities list. The biggest shock? “American Idol” reject William Hung isn’t on the list. How can that be? Nobody stinks more than William Hung.

Ozzie Osbourne did not make the world’s smelliest celebrity list, and that guy lives with dozens of incontinent animals.

Besides Brad Pitt, Russell Crowe and that Star Wars guy who played the young Darth Vadar, you know who also made the Swedish newspapers’ Worst Smelling Celebrity List? The New York Mets.

Brad Pitt was the winner of the world’s smelliest celebrities. Brad reportedly isn’t big on the deodorant. In fact, if you look closely at the movie “Troy” you can actually see the Greek warriors battling Pitt are holding their nose.

Who was second on the world’s smelliest celebrity list? Well, let’s just say, when it comes to hygiene, Russell Crowe isn’t exactly master and commander of the shower.

There is an entire list of famous celebrities that smell bad. These big shots are so huge and important, nobody will even tell them they stink. How long do you think the guy at Radio Shack could get away with that?

“Yeah, I’ll take this phone cable. Oh, by the way, you reek, Pal.”

Speaking of Hung
*Reports are that “American Idol” reject William Hung has turned into quite the difficult Diva, insisting on payment for autographs and making many demands at appearances. OK, that’s it, the fifteen minutes are up. Hey William, the joke is over, honestly, you really do suck.

Cracking down. Hey, I can’t say crack anymore
*The F.C.C. is really cracking down on crude sexual references of any kind, including sports. Today the F.C.C. demanded the NFL’s Tennessee Titans change their name to the Tennessee Breastans.

Since you asked:
No kidding, apparently these celebrities really stink. Russell Crowe's publicity sessions for "Master and Commander" were held on a boat. For the ship and movie connection, right? That's what the publicist told Crowe. The truth was he wanted the press up- wind of his grumpy and smelly star.

There were reports of complaints on the set of "Troy" because Brad is so staunchly anti-deodorant.

I love Rebecca's drunken-line in "Cheers." "I want to be so rich I can stink and nobody will say a word." Well, apparently that's what happened to these folks.

So, the next time you hear a Hollywood big shot spew his un-qualified opinions on politics and social issues, just remember, that guy probably smells like a Manhattan summer garbage strike.

Oh, and one more thing on the Brad Pitt stinking issue: Guys, if you think this puts us one up on Mr. Pitt, remember, he is richer than us, much more handsome than us, much more famous than us and he sleeps with Jennifer Aniston. And Brad can always take a shower.