Friday, May 21, 2004

It's like that, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

"Law and Order: To Be Announced"
NBC announced they are renewing all three "Law and Order" shows. In addition, they are going to add "Law and Order: Abu Graib Prison" and "Law and Order: Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown's House."

Oh, well, then, yeah
*According to several sources over the weekend U.S. forces bombed a wedding party in Iraq. There is absolutely no excuse for bombing a wedding; unless the reception features a Karaoke machine.

There is no reason for bombing a wedding, unless it's one of J.Lo's.

Smart-ass shoe?
*Adidas is coming out with a new $250 smart running shoe. It may be too smart: if you start to run, it asks; "Why are you torturing yourself when you could be lying on the couch drinking beer watching "Saved by the Bell" re-runs?"

We love the Jessica Simpson
*Jessica Simpson, bless her heart, is singing the National Anthem at the Indianapolis 500. Asked to comment, Jessica said, "Normally, I perform to larger crowds, but it will be good to sing to just 500 people."

Jessica is said to be looking forward to visiting and performing in the country of Indianapolis.

In a word? Dynamic. Sure, it's the wrong word . . .
*Ralph Nader met with John Kerry. What did they call that meeting, Personality-palooza?

What a union of dynamic personalities. It's like when Elvis met Muhammad Ali.

So he's a stiff and he's rude?
*Did you know that John Kerry speaks French? If Kerry loses the election, speaking French will come in handy for the concession speech. I'm pretty sure concession is a French word.

Talk to the paw
*Seattle geneticists are attempting to discover the roots of the family tree of dogs. Is this time well spent? Are there dogs suffering deep existential issues? My dogs are a little more concerned with sniffing each other than if their ancestors came over on the Mayflower.

Man, Wrigley and Kasey already have enough attitude, can you imagine if they find out their family tree?

"Come here? Fetch? Excuse me? Do you know whom you're addressing? Royalty, my friend."

A bad week for both
*The Los Angeles Dodgers have lost seven in a row. Even Donald Rumsfeld is starting to feel sorry for them.

Those hip-cat advertising execs are downer than a Mofo
*You've heard the McDonald's slogan; "I'm Lovin' it." McDonald's is trying to appeal to the hip hop culture. They may have gone to far. Have you heard Ronald McDonald's new rap song?

"Yo, yo, check it, that Homey in the Box? That Jack is whack. Word."

How dumb are we?
*Kentucky Fried Chicken is trying to convince us that K.F.C. stands for Kitchen Fresh Chicken. Yeah, and the K.K.K. says that now stands for Kookie, Kind, Kids.

Thursday, May 20, 2004

We gonna jack this up, up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Getting desperate
*"Playboy" featured women of Wal Mart, and now they have women of Home Depot. The women of Home Depot? What's next, the women of Bus Depot?

*Chicago Cubs slugger Moises Alou hit a walk-off 10th inning home run to beat the San Francisco Giants 4-3. And since Alou disclosed he urinates on his hands to toughen them, I really mean a walk-off home run. The rest of the Cubs walked-off the field before they had to shake his hand.

Geezer heat
*Forty-year-old Arizona Diamondback pitch Randy Johnson pitched a perfect game. No walks, no hits. When asked if he felt that, at his age, 40, he feels he is just as fit as younger pitchers, Johnson replied; "Sorry, didn't catch that. Could you talk into my good ear?"

You can tell Johnson is getting older. When his teammates ran up to the mound to congratulate him, Johnson yelled; "You punks get off my lawn."

Root, root, root?
*"Take Me Out to the Ball Game'' may need a rewrite. Cracker Jack is being dumped at Yankee Stadium in favor of Crunch'n Munch. In addition, the line; "Take me out to the crowd" has been replaced with the more sensitive; "Take me out to the group of culturally diverse individuals."

Now the only food at Yankee Stadium with a surprise inside of it are the hot dogs.

It's a grand ole flag, but don't wave it
*The Olympic committee is telling American athletes not to wave the American flag at the Olympics because it might be seen as boasting. Other countries can wave their flags, just not us. Even France gets to wave their flag. Unless, of course, somebody else takes them over before then.

Smart shopping
*Adidas is coming out with a new $250 smart running shoe. Let me tell you something, if you paid $250 for a smart shoe, that shoe is the only thing about you that is smart.

You know what I would love? To see some guy with a $250 smart shoe step in dog-doo.

"Some smart shoe you are. Can't even tell me not to step in that."

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Remember, in the words of the Whitney Houston, crack is whack, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

That'll get 'em gone fast
*President Bush said he is planning a quick exit from Iraq. Apparently he is going to put Howard Dean in charge.

*These allegations of military prison guard orgies and rape are disgusting. Did you hear the Army's new slogan? An Army of one sick puppy.

A man in Bingham, NY was arrested for smearing 14 jars of Vaseline all over a hotel room. Apparently he is training to become a military prison guard in Iraq.

Not a valid comparison
*In Iraq, a firefight broke out in Karbala. Asked to comment, one soldier said that it was absolutely nothing like playing in an NBA game.

*Minnesota Timberwolves star Kevin Garnett apologized for camparing an NBA playoff game to war. He's right, basketball isn't like war. It's more like being in the French army: lots of running and sweating.

Poor Britney
*Britney Spears had another melt-down ending another show too early. Apparently she ran off a Berlin stage sobbing. Poor thing, Britney's under a lot of pressure; it isn't easy to lip-sync in a foreign language.

Smarty Jones is the thorough-izzle
*Kentucky Derby and Preakness winner Smarty Jones is the over-whelming favorite to win the triple crown. Smarty Jones performance is even more amazing when you consider he has been despondent since La Toya London's ouster from "American Idol."

Smarty Jones is the favorite to win at Belmont and gain the Triple Crown. More good news for Smarty Jones. Today Smarty Jones was informed that, reportedly, Britney Spears has a crush on him.

It was reported that actress Kim Katrell bet on Kentucky Derby winner Smarty Jones because his name is similar to her character on "Sex and the City," Samantha Jones. There's another similarity between Katrell's Samantha Jones and Smarty Jones: They both have sex with horses.

A New Mexico man lost his finger when he tried to pet a jaguar. It could have been worse. At least he didn't try and get romantic with the Jaguar, who knows what he could have lost.

Good move, Sammy
*Sammy Sosa removed himself from the Chicago Cubs' lineup Sunday after he sneezed and hurt his back. He sneezed, and then he couldn't play. Thankfully, Sosa did not try and compare that sneeze to being in a war.

That explains it
*ABC wants to give Jessica Simpson a variety show. Jessica is flattered but she doesn't want to move from Los Angeles to live in Variety.

But he was a wiz at stocking
*Did you know that President Bush once worked as a sales clerk at Sears? It didn't go well. Let's just say correct change wasn't Bush's strong-suit.

The Piano Man branches out and I don't mean he hit a tree
*Billy Joel will release a series of children books. Hopefully they aren't driving manuals.

Billy Joel's children's books are inspired by Dr. Suess:

"I will not eat green eggs and ham, but into a house my car will slam."

Viva Las Holly Crap
*I am still recovering from Las Vegas. Their motto is; "What happens to Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas?" Who else would say that? Can you imagine another resort area advertising;

"No matter what vile, atrocious thing you do here, don't worry, we won't tell anyone."

Since you asked:
Lord knows, I am proud that my wife is such a wonderful and careful mother, but even good things can go too far.

Generally, I am in charge of making my daughter's lunch for Kindergarten. Every now and then, I get wrapped up creating wonderful comedy- or in computer solitaire - and I don't get the lunch done by the time she has to leave. That's when I gladly fork over the $1.75 for a school "Hot lunch" which my daughter loves, by the way.

Today was such a day. As we are walking out the door, my wife, learning that I opted for the hot lunch, flew off the handle and yelled;

"Why didn't you check what they are serving today on their website?"

Now, this is a good school with a very healthy lunch menu, Slats and Nuggies, so I am proud that I showed rare restraint and did not answer what I was thinking:

"Oh my god, you're right, I just checked and they are serving broken glass today. Whew, good thing you caught it."

It's all about taking the extra step to show that you care, Slats and Nuggies.

I am going to wax philosophical on your narrow behinds, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

You know how, when you get a hair cut, at first it seems way too short? Then it's just too short. And, for far too brief a time, it is just right. But a split second later, it is too long. Soon, it is way too long.

Well, that's the opposite of life: when you're a kid, life seems way too long. Then it is just too long. Suddenly, in your late twenties and early thirties, it seems just right. Then you hit forty and, bam, it is too short.

(Polite applause)

Monday, May 17, 2004

Cubs sweep and the Padres have an awesome new home. Everybody wins, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Hard to take
*Have you seen the graphic HBO western "Deadwood?" It's based on the true story of lawless town in the Dakota Indian territory. At first it was swearing, whores and murder, but now they are starting a government. Foul language and bloodshed I can take, but legislation? That's ugly.

Big win
The Kentucky Derby winner, Smarty Jones, won the second leg of the triple crown, the Preakness, by over 11 lengths. To give you an idea how big of a win that is, that's more than Bill Gates would beat Jessica Simpson in "Jeopardy."

Like, huh?
The Brad Pitt movie "Troy" depicts the battle between the Greek army and the Trojan army. Upon hearing about the Trojan army, Jessica Simposn asked; "When did condom companies start sponsoring armies?"

Brad Pitt's epic "Troy" opened this weekend. Or as women call it: foreplay.

In "Troy" Brad Pitt plays Achilles. That Achilles guy is a real heel. (Somebody had to say it)

The movie opens up with Brad Pitt's Achilles character in bed with two women. Or as I call that, Monday night.

Here is my question about Brad Pitt and "Troy": When did Brad Pitt start eating the steroids off of Barry Bonds's plate?

Oh, goody
Al Gore is producing an all-news channel. Finally, a man with the charisma and guts to tear the lid off the exciting and enticing campaign financing news.