Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Remember, in the words of the Whitney Houston, crack is whack, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

That'll get 'em gone fast
*President Bush said he is planning a quick exit from Iraq. Apparently he is going to put Howard Dean in charge.

*These allegations of military prison guard orgies and rape are disgusting. Did you hear the Army's new slogan? An Army of one sick puppy.

A man in Bingham, NY was arrested for smearing 14 jars of Vaseline all over a hotel room. Apparently he is training to become a military prison guard in Iraq.

Not a valid comparison
*In Iraq, a firefight broke out in Karbala. Asked to comment, one soldier said that it was absolutely nothing like playing in an NBA game.

*Minnesota Timberwolves star Kevin Garnett apologized for camparing an NBA playoff game to war. He's right, basketball isn't like war. It's more like being in the French army: lots of running and sweating.

Poor Britney
*Britney Spears had another melt-down ending another show too early. Apparently she ran off a Berlin stage sobbing. Poor thing, Britney's under a lot of pressure; it isn't easy to lip-sync in a foreign language.

Smarty Jones is the thorough-izzle
*Kentucky Derby and Preakness winner Smarty Jones is the over-whelming favorite to win the triple crown. Smarty Jones performance is even more amazing when you consider he has been despondent since La Toya London's ouster from "American Idol."

Smarty Jones is the favorite to win at Belmont and gain the Triple Crown. More good news for Smarty Jones. Today Smarty Jones was informed that, reportedly, Britney Spears has a crush on him.

It was reported that actress Kim Katrell bet on Kentucky Derby winner Smarty Jones because his name is similar to her character on "Sex and the City," Samantha Jones. There's another similarity between Katrell's Samantha Jones and Smarty Jones: They both have sex with horses.

A New Mexico man lost his finger when he tried to pet a jaguar. It could have been worse. At least he didn't try and get romantic with the Jaguar, who knows what he could have lost.

Good move, Sammy
*Sammy Sosa removed himself from the Chicago Cubs' lineup Sunday after he sneezed and hurt his back. He sneezed, and then he couldn't play. Thankfully, Sosa did not try and compare that sneeze to being in a war.

That explains it
*ABC wants to give Jessica Simpson a variety show. Jessica is flattered but she doesn't want to move from Los Angeles to live in Variety.

But he was a wiz at stocking
*Did you know that President Bush once worked as a sales clerk at Sears? It didn't go well. Let's just say correct change wasn't Bush's strong-suit.

The Piano Man branches out and I don't mean he hit a tree
*Billy Joel will release a series of children books. Hopefully they aren't driving manuals.

Billy Joel's children's books are inspired by Dr. Suess:

"I will not eat green eggs and ham, but into a house my car will slam."

Viva Las Holly Crap
*I am still recovering from Las Vegas. Their motto is; "What happens to Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas?" Who else would say that? Can you imagine another resort area advertising;

"No matter what vile, atrocious thing you do here, don't worry, we won't tell anyone."

Since you asked:
Lord knows, I am proud that my wife is such a wonderful and careful mother, but even good things can go too far.

Generally, I am in charge of making my daughter's lunch for Kindergarten. Every now and then, I get wrapped up creating wonderful comedy- or in computer solitaire - and I don't get the lunch done by the time she has to leave. That's when I gladly fork over the $1.75 for a school "Hot lunch" which my daughter loves, by the way.

Today was such a day. As we are walking out the door, my wife, learning that I opted for the hot lunch, flew off the handle and yelled;

"Why didn't you check what they are serving today on their website?"

Now, this is a good school with a very healthy lunch menu, Slats and Nuggies, so I am proud that I showed rare restraint and did not answer what I was thinking:

"Oh my god, you're right, I just checked and they are serving broken glass today. Whew, good thing you caught it."

It's all about taking the extra step to show that you care, Slats and Nuggies.

I am going to wax philosophical on your narrow behinds, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

You know how, when you get a hair cut, at first it seems way too short? Then it's just too short. And, for far too brief a time, it is just right. But a split second later, it is too long. Soon, it is way too long.

Well, that's the opposite of life: when you're a kid, life seems way too long. Then it is just too long. Suddenly, in your late twenties and early thirties, it seems just right. Then you hit forty and, bam, it is too short.

(Polite applause)