We gonna jack this up, up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Getting desperate
*"Playboy" featured women of Wal Mart, and now they have women of Home Depot. The women of Home Depot? What's next, the women of Bus Depot?

Moistest
*Chicago Cubs slugger Moises Alou hit a walk-off 10th inning home run to beat the San Francisco Giants 4-3. And since Alou disclosed he urinates on his hands to toughen them, I really mean a walk-off home run. The rest of the Cubs walked-off the field before they had to shake his hand.

Geezer heat
*Forty-year-old Arizona Diamondback pitch Randy Johnson pitched a perfect game. No walks, no hits. When asked if he felt that, at his age, 40, he feels he is just as fit as younger pitchers, Johnson replied; "Sorry, didn't catch that. Could you talk into my good ear?"

You can tell Johnson is getting older. When his teammates ran up to the mound to congratulate him, Johnson yelled; "You punks get off my lawn."

Root, root, root?
*"Take Me Out to the Ball Game'' may need a rewrite. Cracker Jack is being dumped at Yankee Stadium in favor of Crunch'n Munch. In addition, the line; "Take me out to the crowd" has been replaced with the more sensitive; "Take me out to the group of culturally diverse individuals."

Now the only food at Yankee Stadium with a surprise inside of it are the hot dogs.

It's a grand ole flag, but don't wave it
*The Olympic committee is telling American athletes not to wave the American flag at the Olympics because it might be seen as boasting. Other countries can wave their flags, just not us. Even France gets to wave their flag. Unless, of course, somebody else takes them over before then.

Smart shopping
*Adidas is coming out with a new $250 smart running shoe. Let me tell you something, if you paid $250 for a smart shoe, that shoe is the only thing about you that is smart.

You know what I would love? To see some guy with a $250 smart shoe step in dog-doo.

"Some smart shoe you are. Can't even tell me not to step in that."