Friday, May 14, 2004

And another thing:
My favorite thing about my new toy,TiVo? Sure it's convenient and easy to use. But my favorite feature is it's ability to alter the space-time continuum. While watching a Cubs game, I can hit the pause and time stops. I am now watching a live game . . . in the past. Creepy, huh?

Just for fun, I wanted to see if I hit the forward button, if my TiVo can see into the future. Guess what? It can. What did I find in the future? Let's just say don't get your hopes up about the "Friends" spin-off "Joey."

Good news. After something like 17 years, U2's Bono finally found what he was looking for. Yeah, turns out it was in his sofa cushions the whole time.

Speaking of finding things, we need to make it illegal - instill some fine, or at least a free slap in the face - for anyone to say, when something is lost;

"It's always in the last place you look."

Of course it's the last place you look. If you found it, you don't need to look anymore now do you? Did somebody once say;

"Oh, here is my wallet. But just to be safe, I am going to look to see if it's also in this drawer. If it is, I can double my cash. Wow. What do you know, it's not in there. It's still in my hand."

What my wife likes to do when I lose something is Gaslight me. I ask her, "Have you seen my wallet?" There are only two answers: yes or no. If yes, then tell me where. If no, stop talking. Now.

My wife insists on listing every single solitary possible place it could be;

"Did you check your pants? How about your desk? Is it in your car?"

This I do not need. I am only too aware of all the differant possibilities of where my wallet might be, I just need to know, specifically, if she has seen it.

Short of losing a loved one, or a dire medical diagnosis, is there a worse feeling than when you suspect your wallet is seriously lost? Not the I-know-it's-in-the-house-somewhere lost, I mean the Did-I-leave-it-at-the-restaurant? lost. My mind immediately reels to invision some very unnatractive and unlikeable person buying extremely luxurious items with my money. (Not unlike the voice over credit card commercials)

Losing one's wallet does not bring out the best in a person. Everybody you've ever met in your life is now a shady suspect.

My wife especially.

We straight ballin' up in here, Boo and, of course, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Viva la France and Las Vegas
*Have you ever been to the Paris in Las Vegas? To give you an idea how realistic things at the Paris are, I saw a two black jack dealers and a bellhop surrender to a German tourist.

This resort is so much like Paris, the American employees despise themselves.

The Paris in Las Vegas is amazingly realistic. You haven't lived until you've had a waiter ignore you at a $1.99 all you can eat buffet.

The curse is worse than we thought
*Researchers have found a document that proves baseball was not invented in Cooperstown but was played in 1791 in Massachusetts. That means that one of the first two teams to ever exist was the Red Sox and yet they still couldn't win the World Series that year.

Which one is the bride?
*The cowboy from the "Village People” - Randy Jones married a man named Will Grega. It was a beautiful wedding. The construction worker was the bridesmaid and the leather biker was the flower girl.

Say it ain't so, J. Lo
*Jennifer Lopez is engaged again, this time to singer Marc Anthony. Or as I call the couple: Marcifer.

They're having trouble picking a date. They can't find a date that Jennifer hasn't already been married on.

Thank heaven, there was a good couple of days there where J.Lo wasn't in the news. I got a little nervous.

Proud citizen
Pamela Anderson, who was raised in Canada, became a U.S. citizen. Pamela is so proud she said, from now on, she is making everyone of her sex videos right here in the good ol' U.S.A.

Not good
*In New York, Courtney Love was in court on assault charges stemming from when she allegedly hit a guy with a microphone stand. I don't think Courtney is thinking straight; she pleaded not guilty by reason of all the illegal drugs she's on.

*A study reveals that getting fired does more psychological damage than getting divorced. This is not good. That means Omarosa is going to be even crazier than before.

What a shot
*Did you see that shot by Derrick Fisher with 0.4 left to beat the San Antonio Spurs 74-73? Point four of a second left. To give you an idea how quick that is, point four of a second is less time then it takes J. Lo to get engaged.

That is the fastest anyone has gotten off a shot since the L.A. porn stars returned from a month break.

The Los Angeles Lakers amazing last-less-than-half-second 74-73 win against the San Antonio Spurs prove that even selfish, spoiled brat primma donna's can win if they are blessed with way more talent than they deserve.

Since you asked:
Why do I hate the Lakers? Let me count the ways. Kobe Bryant, as I have found out in articles in ESPN magazine and Sports Illustrated, is part of that group that deserves that special section in hell, near the kitchen, normally reserved for terrorists and snotty waiters, and that is that especially ugly group, like Madonna and Martha Stewart: the privileged wealthy who treat hired help like dirt. And supposedly Kobe's "wife" is even worse than he is. Somebody needs to remind her that just because she hooked a famous rich jock, it doesn't obviate the fact that she is, and always will be, a cheap, trashy, gold-digging tramp. Granted, a very successful cheap, trashy, gold-digging tramp, but a cheap, trashy, gold-digging tramp all the same.

Shaq is just big. That's all. If you were that big, you could be Shaq too. Huh? And what is with that mumble interview technique of Shaq's? You know what I mean. The one where he talks like he just got out of the dentist and his lips are numb. Oh, but put Shaq in a commercial and now he is Mister Enthusiasm. It's amazing what getting paid will do for one's pronunciation.

And Phil Jackson? This is a guy, unlike, Pat Reilly, who is smart enough to know that, despite his huge ego, a coach can't win without the very best players in the league on his team. That being said, Phil, please, enough with the Genius Guru B.S. It's amazing what having Michael, Shaq and Kobe on your teams does for a coach's I.Q.

And the endless Laker courtside movie stars? What a pathetic bunch of jock sniffers. Jack Nicholson and all the others are obviously trying to compensate for being hung by their tighty-whities from the locker hook by the high school jocks.

That being said, if somebody gave me courtside seats to the Lakers, I would be there so fast it would scare an intelligent expression on Gary Payton's face. Well, maybe not that fast . . .

There is something about the Los Angeles Lakers that is like that really rich party guy in high school who plays it so fast and loose, glib and cocky because he knows, no matter how bad he screws up, he is, when it is all said and done, set for life. Yes, it's part envy. Yes, it's a tiny bit of admiration for the luck they always seem to make. But mostly it is just plain old fashioned bile-producing, bitter contempt.

And that's how we play; "I will never, ever, be as talented or rich as any of the Lakers, but I can still insult them."

(Polite applause)

Karl Malone? Now, I like the Mailman.

Thursday, May 13, 2004

Props to my Peeps, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Viva Lost Wages

*Do you know what you call someone who comes to Las Vegas and doesn't drink, gamble and cavort wildly with the opposite sex? No, seriously, I'm asking. Has it ever happened?

*Do you know what you call someone who comes to Las Vegas and doesn't drink, gamble and cavort wildly with the opposite sex? Me, honey, I swear, we are working like dogs here. Honest.

You've heard the motto: "What happens in Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas?" It's true, especially with what happens to your money. That also stays in Las Vegas.

Missed that horse
*The Chicago Tribune reported that Kim Cattrall of HBO's "Sex and the City" went to the Kentucky Derby and bet on winner Smarty Jones because her character's name in the show was Samantha Jones. Apparently Cattrall didn't see the late entrant: Lascivious Whore.

This is plain wrong
*Have you seen the new hot video for sale? "Iraqi Prisoners Gone Wild."

So sad
*After 11 years, the final episode of "Frasier" is tonight. It's sad. Now we'll never know who goes totally bald first, Niles or Frasier.

Oh, no
*More prisoner abuse allegations. Have you heard the latest? Now they are saying some guards actually forced the Iraqi prisoners to watch the Olsen twin's movie "New York Minute." That's not right.

Luke, the dark side is calling, Luke
"Access Hollywood" told Luke Walton after the Lakers' game against San Antonio on Tuesday night that Britney Spears has a crush on him. Luke replied he'd get Britney a seat as close to the court as he could. Good idea. Britney could fit a marriage in during a time-out.

A seat close to the court? Quick, somebody tell Karl Malone I have a crush on him.

What a shock
*Jennifer Lopez is engaged, once again, this time to singer Marc Anthony. Forget the saying everybody will be famous for 15 minutes, everybody will have been engaged to J.Lo. for 15 minutes.

Wardrobe malfunction
*Britney Spears is trying to quit smoking. If she decides to wear the patch, Britney will increase the size of her onstage wardrobe by 30%.

Not close
*Good news. The Los Angeles porn industry is going back to work. Can we really call being in porn work? Calling porn work is like calling the Olsen twins actresses.

On the other hand, and I do mean hand

I guess porn is work. Can you imagine, sometime, somewhere there was a male porn star who said; "I'm using a sick day. One more beautiful woman gives me oral sex, I'm gonna go postal."

Good tip
*Remember Moises Alou's disclosure that he urinates on his hands to toughen them? According to Roger Kahn's biography, boxer Jack Dempsey used to soak his face in bull urine to toughen his skin. Boxers take note. It's also a good way to keep Mike Tyson from biting you.

Get ready to groan
*Mandy Block, the racing Italian sausage who last season was hit with a bat by Randall Simon, announced she no longer would be a mascot. She quit at the top of her game, it's always good to go out a wiener.

I hate to say Mandy lost a step, but after that incident, she never did Ketchup.

Mandy got tired of the cattiness. One of the other sausages was a bit of a brat.

A piano man, not a car guy
A study revealed that drivers who use a cell phone are a close equivalent of a drunk driver. And if you use a cell phone and drive drunk, you're the driving equivelent of Billy Joel.

It's been a few weeks but, reportedly, Billy Joel is still embarrassed about driving into that house. Imagine that? He's still embarrassed. And this is the guy who sang "We didn't start the fire" so that's saying something.

Since you asked:

I hath seeneth you, oh future, and thy name is TiVo. Seriously, how did I live without this? How did I watch sports without this?

Get this:

The very first thing I recorded on TiVo was last night's "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" and my man Jay used one of my jokes.

The name Las Vegas is an old Spanish term that means: "Before I pay, how do I know you're not a cop?"

Not a great joke, but it got a good laugh all the same.

Any who, long live the TiVo is what I got to say on that subject. I have been to the mountain top and I have a dream where we can send TiVo recordings via e-mail; Log onto our computer and work while we watch a TiVo show in a smaller window. I have a dream, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers . . .
(Polite applause)

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

You are my Sizzle and Brizzle, and don't you forgizzle, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Viva Las Vegas
*Some people don't know this, but you know what Las Vegas means? It's an old Spanish word that, roughly translated, means: "The watch for a ride to the airport."

Actually, Las Vegas is an old Spanish expression for; "Before I pay, are you sure you're not a cop?"

No chance
*Brad Pitt predicted that, due to the popularity of "Troy," men will be wearing skirts by next summer. I can tell you why men in skirts is not a good idea in two words: John Goodman

That long?
*After 20 years, no more Frasier Crane after Thursday. To give you an idea how long that is, 20 years is actually as long as the ten years seemed that "Friends" was around.

*Now that "Friends" is over the dirt is coming out. After all the "We were a family" talk, it seems that some of the cast members weren't always so nice to the crew. The gossip is the "Friends" crew called David Schwimmer's trailer; "The Whine Cellar."

Now that the big F's "Friends" and "Frasier" are gone, I saw NBC entertainment president Kevin Rielly on a Hollywood off-ramp holding a sign that said; "Will Work for an F-ing sitcom."

Now that "Friends" and "Frasier" are both gone, do know what that makes Jay Leno? Extremely sucked-up to. As we speak, NBC president Jeff Zucker is waxing his car.

Not to tell tales out of the bathroom
*Chicago Cubs outfielder Moises Alou disclosed that he urinates on his hands to toughen his skin.

Not to rat on my brother man, but if urine made your skin tougher, all guys that take showers would have bullet-proof feet.

Guys in the club house are calling him Moistest Alou.

Moises Alou's number is 18. I think they should change it to 8. That way fans could yell; "Hey Moises, you're an eight."

Nice try
*A Louisville, KY winery is developing a low-carb wine. The bad news? The wine goes great with pasta.

Now that's a DUI
*Glen Cambell was sentenced to 10 days in jail for "an extreme D.U.I." What is an extreme D.U.I.? Is that when you have the accelerator jammed to the floor with a whisky bottle?

Monday, May 10, 2004

We got crazizzle skillizzle up in here Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Good news
*Did you have a good mother's day? It was pretty good. At least from what I heard, nobody's Mom's house got hit by Billy Joel.

You had to see it
*Did you see the picture in the paper of Phil Specter at his trial? When did he turn into Beatlejuice?

Good news, bad news
Despite rumors, Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt's marriage is doing fine. That's good news if you are their fans, bad news if you are an idiot that thought you stood a shot.

Where is the market?
*An entrepreneur has come out with a scale that goes to 1000 pounds. Who is going to buy this? Everyone who weighs 1,000 pounds can't get out of bed until they tear the wall down and hoist them out with a crane.

Shiite head
*Insurgent Shiite cleric Moktada al Sadr denounced the mis-treatment of Iraqi prisoners by U.S. solders. As a result of the prisoner humiliation, al Sadr said they will have to blow up even more innocent people.

Low carbs
*In California a woman goes into a Costco and buys a hot dog. She bites into it and there’s a live bullet. It's OK, though, bullets are low-in-carbs and Atkins-diet approved.

If I had to guess
*Congratulations to Martie MaGuire of the Dixie Chicks she just gave birth to twins. I'm not sure what she named her kids, but I think we can rule out George, Walker or Bush.

Catchy name
*You can tell the "Friends" gravy train has stopped. Today the band that did the theme song, the Rembrandts? Now they are billing themselves as the Rembrandts of house painting.

Starting to become clear
*In Athens, workers finally put the roof on the Olympic stadium less than 100 days before the Olympics. The workers reportedly celebrated by drinking wine. I think I am starting to understand why the Athens construction is running so far behind. "Hey, I put in a nail. Give me a drink."

Let's hope not
*Brad Pitt said that the success of "Troy" will have men wearing skirts inside a year. I can think of six words why that wouldn't happen: Picture Dr. Phil in a skirt.

Who is this guy?
Iraqi Shi'ite cleric Moqtada al-Sadr has ordered his Mehdi Army to launch a broad offensive against U.S.-led forces. Here's my question, who died and made this ugly fat loser Uday?

Al Sadr is the head of the Iraqi Shiite Muslims. As opposed to the Diicke or Priicke Muslims