Props to my Peeps, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
Viva Lost Wages
*Do you know what you call someone who comes to Las Vegas and doesn't drink, gamble and cavort wildly with the opposite sex? No, seriously, I'm asking. Has it ever happened?
*Do you know what you call someone who comes to Las Vegas and doesn't drink, gamble and cavort wildly with the opposite sex? Me, honey, I swear, we are working like dogs here. Honest.
You've heard the motto: "What happens in Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas?" It's true, especially with what happens to your money. That also stays in Las Vegas.
Missed that horse
*The Chicago Tribune reported that Kim Cattrall of HBO's "Sex and the City" went to the Kentucky Derby and bet on winner Smarty Jones because her character's name in the show was Samantha Jones. Apparently Cattrall didn't see the late entrant: Lascivious Whore.
This is plain wrong
*Have you seen the new hot video for sale? "Iraqi Prisoners Gone Wild."
So sad
*After 11 years, the final episode of "Frasier" is tonight. It's sad. Now we'll never know who goes totally bald first, Niles or Frasier.
Oh, no
*More prisoner abuse allegations. Have you heard the latest? Now they are saying some guards actually forced the Iraqi prisoners to watch the Olsen twin's movie "New York Minute." That's not right.
Luke, the dark side is calling, Luke
"Access Hollywood" told Luke Walton after the Lakers' game against San Antonio on Tuesday night that Britney Spears has a crush on him. Luke replied he'd get Britney a seat as close to the court as he could. Good idea. Britney could fit a marriage in during a time-out.
A seat close to the court? Quick, somebody tell Karl Malone I have a crush on him.
What a shock
*Jennifer Lopez is engaged, once again, this time to singer Marc Anthony. Forget the saying everybody will be famous for 15 minutes, everybody will have been engaged to J.Lo. for 15 minutes.
Wardrobe malfunction
*Britney Spears is trying to quit smoking. If she decides to wear the patch, Britney will increase the size of her onstage wardrobe by 30%.
Not close
*Good news. The Los Angeles porn industry is going back to work. Can we really call being in porn work? Calling porn work is like calling the Olsen twins actresses.
On the other hand, and I do mean hand
I guess porn is work. Can you imagine, sometime, somewhere there was a male porn star who said; "I'm using a sick day. One more beautiful woman gives me oral sex, I'm gonna go postal."
Good tip
*Remember Moises Alou's disclosure that he urinates on his hands to toughen them? According to Roger Kahn's biography, boxer Jack Dempsey used to soak his face in bull urine to toughen his skin. Boxers take note. It's also a good way to keep Mike Tyson from biting you.
Get ready to groan
*Mandy Block, the racing Italian sausage who last season was hit with a bat by Randall Simon, announced she no longer would be a mascot. She quit at the top of her game, it's always good to go out a wiener.
I hate to say Mandy lost a step, but after that incident, she never did Ketchup.
Mandy got tired of the cattiness. One of the other sausages was a bit of a brat.
A piano man, not a car guy
A study revealed that drivers who use a cell phone are a close equivalent of a drunk driver. And if you use a cell phone and drive drunk, you're the driving equivelent of Billy Joel.
It's been a few weeks but, reportedly, Billy Joel is still embarrassed about driving into that house. Imagine that? He's still embarrassed. And this is the guy who sang "We didn't start the fire" so that's saying something.
Since you asked:
I hath seeneth you, oh future, and thy name is TiVo. Seriously, how did I live without this? How did I watch sports without this?
Get this:
The very first thing I recorded on TiVo was last night's "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" and my man Jay used one of my jokes.
The name Las Vegas is an old Spanish term that means: "Before I pay, how do I know you're not a cop?"
Not a great joke, but it got a good laugh all the same.
Any who, long live the TiVo is what I got to say on that subject. I have been to the mountain top and I have a dream where we can send TiVo recordings via e-mail; Log onto our computer and work while we watch a TiVo show in a smaller window. I have a dream, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers . . .
(Polite applause)
Viva Lost Wages
*Do you know what you call someone who comes to Las Vegas and doesn't drink, gamble and cavort wildly with the opposite sex? No, seriously, I'm asking. Has it ever happened?
*Do you know what you call someone who comes to Las Vegas and doesn't drink, gamble and cavort wildly with the opposite sex? Me, honey, I swear, we are working like dogs here. Honest.
You've heard the motto: "What happens in Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas?" It's true, especially with what happens to your money. That also stays in Las Vegas.
Missed that horse
*The Chicago Tribune reported that Kim Cattrall of HBO's "Sex and the City" went to the Kentucky Derby and bet on winner Smarty Jones because her character's name in the show was Samantha Jones. Apparently Cattrall didn't see the late entrant: Lascivious Whore.
This is plain wrong
*Have you seen the new hot video for sale? "Iraqi Prisoners Gone Wild."
So sad
*After 11 years, the final episode of "Frasier" is tonight. It's sad. Now we'll never know who goes totally bald first, Niles or Frasier.
Oh, no
*More prisoner abuse allegations. Have you heard the latest? Now they are saying some guards actually forced the Iraqi prisoners to watch the Olsen twin's movie "New York Minute." That's not right.
Luke, the dark side is calling, Luke
"Access Hollywood" told Luke Walton after the Lakers' game against San Antonio on Tuesday night that Britney Spears has a crush on him. Luke replied he'd get Britney a seat as close to the court as he could. Good idea. Britney could fit a marriage in during a time-out.
A seat close to the court? Quick, somebody tell Karl Malone I have a crush on him.
What a shock
*Jennifer Lopez is engaged, once again, this time to singer Marc Anthony. Forget the saying everybody will be famous for 15 minutes, everybody will have been engaged to J.Lo. for 15 minutes.
Wardrobe malfunction
*Britney Spears is trying to quit smoking. If she decides to wear the patch, Britney will increase the size of her onstage wardrobe by 30%.
Not close
*Good news. The Los Angeles porn industry is going back to work. Can we really call being in porn work? Calling porn work is like calling the Olsen twins actresses.
On the other hand, and I do mean hand
I guess porn is work. Can you imagine, sometime, somewhere there was a male porn star who said; "I'm using a sick day. One more beautiful woman gives me oral sex, I'm gonna go postal."
Good tip
*Remember Moises Alou's disclosure that he urinates on his hands to toughen them? According to Roger Kahn's biography, boxer Jack Dempsey used to soak his face in bull urine to toughen his skin. Boxers take note. It's also a good way to keep Mike Tyson from biting you.
Get ready to groan
*Mandy Block, the racing Italian sausage who last season was hit with a bat by Randall Simon, announced she no longer would be a mascot. She quit at the top of her game, it's always good to go out a wiener.
I hate to say Mandy lost a step, but after that incident, she never did Ketchup.
Mandy got tired of the cattiness. One of the other sausages was a bit of a brat.
A piano man, not a car guy
A study revealed that drivers who use a cell phone are a close equivalent of a drunk driver. And if you use a cell phone and drive drunk, you're the driving equivelent of Billy Joel.
It's been a few weeks but, reportedly, Billy Joel is still embarrassed about driving into that house. Imagine that? He's still embarrassed. And this is the guy who sang "We didn't start the fire" so that's saying something.
Since you asked:
I hath seeneth you, oh future, and thy name is TiVo. Seriously, how did I live without this? How did I watch sports without this?
Get this:
The very first thing I recorded on TiVo was last night's "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" and my man Jay used one of my jokes.
The name Las Vegas is an old Spanish term that means: "Before I pay, how do I know you're not a cop?"
Not a great joke, but it got a good laugh all the same.
Any who, long live the TiVo is what I got to say on that subject. I have been to the mountain top and I have a dream where we can send TiVo recordings via e-mail; Log onto our computer and work while we watch a TiVo show in a smaller window. I have a dream, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers . . .
(Polite applause)
posted by Alex at
2:56 PM
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