Friday, January 23, 2004

Get your freakiest freaky freak on, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Umpteen Dean
Good news Howard Dean supporters. His meds have kicked in.

*All the democrats were calm during a New Hampshire debate, including Howard Dean. Of course that might have had something to do with the muzzle Dean was wearing.

Howard Dean’s wife, Judith Steinberg, made her first brief appearance in Iowa. She’s a doctor. She had to give Howard his rabies shot.

Now John Kerry is leading all the polls. You have to feel for Howard Dean, one red-faced rant and now even Dennis Kucinich is making fun of him.

Poor Howard Dean. My heart goes out to him. At lunch all the other candidates huddle together to giggle and point at Howard while he sits alone eating his Mad Cow burger.

You have to feel for Howard Dean. One minute Dean is the big man on campus, the next he is riding by himself in the back of the really short school bus.

*The Los Angeles Lakers have lost nine games in a row on the road. They are almost as bad on the road as Howard Dean.

For everyone who has ever said there is no such thing as bad publicity, I have four words: Howard Dean’s red-faced rant.

Have you heard the latest band? They’re called “Howard Dean’s Rant.” They’re loud and crazy.

The same game
The Ohio legislature approved a ban on same sex marriage. Asked to comment, one married Ohio man said, “I’m thrilled they banned same sex marriages, my wife and I have been having the same sex for years and I’m sick of it.”

Say it ain’t so, J.Lo
J.Lo and Ben have broken up. Oh, just a minute, I have an update. Check that, they are back together. Wait, no, now they’ve broken up again. What’s that? Oh, they got back together.

Right now J. Lo and Ben are broken up and fighting over who has custody of the blame for “Gigli.”

Just when I was starting to get used to the word Bennifer

Bad concept
Mitsubishi has a new slogan: “Wake up and drive.” That’s what we need, more groggy, sleepy, grumpy people driving because we don’t have nearly enough road rage as it is.

Wake me when it’s over
Environmental groups claim farmed salmon contain dangerous levels of cancer-causing chemicals. You can’t eat beef because of mad cow, you can’t eat carbohydrates because they make you fat, now farmed salmon causes cancer. This is my nightmare: all we can eat is tofu.

In poker they call these tells
A former "Playboy” Playmate, a Miss November admits to being a lesbian. We should have figured that. For her hobbies she listed softball, camping, motorcycling and making her own beef jerky.

Her turn on’s were Ellen DeGeneris, Melissa Ethridge and Janet Reno

Since you asked:

First thing, Slats and Nuggies, never listen to anything I tell you to do because, generally, I have no idea what I am talking about. Secondly, you have to get HBO and watch Larry David’s “Curb Your Enthusiasm.” It is so good it almost makes me forget how sick I am that “The Larry Sanders Show” and “Alf” aren’t around.

It doesn’t take you long to figure out that the guts of “Seinfeld” were thanks to Larry David. Obviously Jerry Seinfeld is a very funny guy – the cereal-type observations are him - but the whacky twists and turns and hilarious coincidences are Larry David.

Larry David reminds me of a funny, mellow, bald, wire-haired terrier. In the show, which is not just based on David’s real life, but practically is his life, David is a lot of what we all want to be: rich, talented, care-free, somewhat powerful, a little famous who runs with famous people. But, David is also enough of a fussy schmuck that we are also glad we aren’t him.

I read about David in “The New Yorker,” one of the first times I didn’t just read the cartoons. By the way, it had a hilarious cartoon with a freeway sign: “Welcome To California. You can now begin your Arnold Schwarzenegger imitation.” They should have that sign but include Jack Nicholson and a Pakistani grocer in front of every comedy club.

Anyway, in the New Yorker article it says that, before Seinfeld picked David to help with his show, David was a middle-aged comedian living in a subsidized artist apartment on the West Side of Manhattan and bouncing from the various clubs. Now the guy is worth a few hundred million. Hey, how about one more time, Big Guy? How ‘bout a little love here?

Thursday, January 22, 2004

Oh yeah, bidness be bangin’, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Dizzy Dean
Did you see that wild speech by Howard Dean after Iowa? He ranted, he raved, and then, at the end, he grabbed Yankee bench coach Don Zimmer and tossed him to the ground.

*That Howard Dean turns out to have quite the temper. There hasn’t been a presidential candidate that agitated since Paula Jones ditched Bill Clinton with his pants down.

Today a disgruntled postal worker snapped and went Howard Dean.

After his over-the-top speech, Howard Dean is sliding in the polls. One can only assume that voters don’t want a president who acts crazier than Michael Jackson after a court appearance.

Did you hear Howard Dean talk today? He’s lost his voice. This is a big improvement over Tuesday when Dean lost his mind.

Kinda like that
*In his State of the Union address, President Bush announced we have; “Optimism with caution.” Optimism with caution is like when Hugh Hefner goes to his Grotto with more condoms than Viagra.

*The Oakland Raiders are having a tough time finding someone to accept their head coaching position. Today the Raiders were even turned down by Dennis Kucinich.

Really like that
NASA is reporting no signal from the Mars rover. It has suddenly stopped working and it isn’t communicating to anyone. Kind of like Howard Dean’s campaign.

Since you asked:

Lucky for my joke writing - frail though it may be - I am a genuine, born and bred Independent, the product of a bleeding heart liberal mother and a staunchly conservative father. This is great for comedy because I can happily skewer both sides of the isle with a clear conscience.

That’s why I am proud to say that, from the beginning, I said that, traditionally, all the Republicans have to do is sit back and enjoy watching the Democrats, one by one, shoot themselves in the foot. Howard Dean just blew his leg off with a howitzer.

As a sometimes stand up comedian, I know only too rarely how a great crowd can send you over-the-top. But we – American audiences - demand that professional speakers, political or comedic, be able to check themselves way before they get all the way to frickin’ silly. That crazy frantic crap may have worked for Hitler and Jerry Lewis (How many times have those two names appeared together?) but not for everyone else. The fact that Dean couldn’t check himself in the throes of excitement is a huge embarrassment as well as a question mark on his leadership. We don’t want a president who might lose it when he gets carried away.

But as a comedy writer, I loved it. A month ago, who would have imagined "The Three Stooges" Moe Howard would be considered less goofy than Howard Dean?

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

We ain’t playin’ now, no way, we gonna get after it today, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

By cracky
Reportedly President Bush is quite pleased with his State of the Union speech. Today Bush saw a tape of the speech and he said that, in all modesty, it made him look right Presidential-a-fied.

A bit much
*Did you see Martha Stewart arrive at court? I thought it was a bit much when she climbed on top of the van and did the moon walk.

Martha Stewart arrived at court. It was touching that Tito and Jermaine were there for support.

*The late McDonald’s heiress, Joan Kroc, donated $1.5 billion to the Salvation Army. Today the Salvation Army announced they are going to invade Iraq.

Maybe now those Salvation Army Santa’s can afford real-looking beards.

Color me excited
*The New England Patriots are playing the Carolina Panthers in the Super Bowl. Woo hoo. I haven’t been this excited since I got an extra ketchup packet in my McDonalds order.

A good sign
*You can tell it’s finally warming up in the East. Today two apprentices climbed out from hibernating in Donald Trump’s eyebrows.

Ladies and Jellybeans
*Did you see the State of the Union speech? When President Bush made a statement, for some reason, only the republican side of the audience stood up and applauded. I know why. The hidden camera caught Hillary Clinton clipping the speaker wires on the democrat side.

Did you see the shot of Ted Kennedy sitting when everyone else gave the President a standing ovation? In his defense, Kennedy wasn’t being rude, he has gotten so big he can’t stand up.

Did you see the shot of Ted Kennedy? The man is huge. Apparently the Atkins diet does not yet include Dewar’s scotch.

What cracks me up about the State of the Union telecast is every time they show a shot of Hillary Clinton, I imagine Bill Clinton shrieking and falling out of his girlfriend’s bed.

President Bush got a little worked up in his State of the Union speech. For example, one time Bush got so worked up, he fired one of Donald Trump’s apprentices.

Bad call
*Howard Dean gave an angry speech after the Iowa Caucus loss. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea for Dean to have ordered the Mad Cow Burger before the speech.

*There is a flash flood warning for Kansas City. Not because of rain, but because Chiefs coach Dick Vermeil had to say goodbye to his resigning defensive coordinator Greg Robinson. Now I don’t want to say Dick Vermeil is overly emotional, but I saw the guy cry at a Levitra commercial.

So sad
There was a sad moment during the press conference to announce the halftime entertainment for the Super Bowl. When the NFL spokes person announced that U2 would perform, Mariah Carey shouted “Me too? Me too? I knew my fans hadn’t forgotten me. My comeback is complete.”

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

Hey baby better light my candle ‘cause honey I’m sure hot to handle now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Go Northwest Coffee Swillers
Maybe I am picky, but I have a problem with the two Super Bowl bound teams, the New England Patriots and the Carolina Panthers. They are named for places that don’t exist. The only person who has ever been to Carolina is James Taylor and even he could only go there in his mind.

Football teams should be named after tough cities like Pittsburgh and Detroit, not theoretical territories like New England and Carolina. Could you imagine if the Oakland Raiders were the Northern California Raiders? How “Queer Eye For The Straight Guy” is that?

Yum, yum
Jessica Simpson is launching her own line of edible cosmetics. It’s not bad, but I can’t tell if it tastes like chicken or tuna.

You should try Jessica’s Buffalo wing skin cream. It’s made from real Buffalos.

A line of edible cosmetics is an easy sell from Jessica Simpson. Most guys would eat just about anything off of her. But try selling a Rosie O’Donnell line of edible cosmetics. That would have to taste better than Crispy Crème donuts.

Good idea
NASA has announced they are no longer going to service the Hubble Telescope, they will just abandon it and let it fall apart on it’s own. They got the idea from watching Dick Gephardt’s campaign.

Monday, January 19, 2004

Can I get a Boo Yah and a Booty dance from ya’ one time, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Working man
* At court Michael Jackson had a lot of support from his family, his Mom and Dad were there, his sister Janet. Even Tito showed up, but he had to leave. Tito was just there to deliver a pizza. Yeah, he had to go back to work at Dominoes.

La Toya was there. She was the one out front walking back and forth with the restaurant sandwich board ad.

Michael Jackson’s dad, Joe, is kind of a creepy looking guy, isn’t he? Is it just me or does Joe Jackson look like a cross between Snidely Whiplash and Super Fly?

Mon Dieu, part 52
*Paris France has opened it’s first Starbucks. You can tell the French workers are new to Starbucks. When a customer ordered a latte with two extra shots, the employees surrendered.

Doesn’t deserve a break today
*Kobe Bryant has lost his McDonald’s deal. Which is ironic because if only Kobe had eaten at McDonalds instead of ordering room service he wouldn’t be in this mess.

Mark these words
*A wild, tumultuous and exciting primary is set to unfold in Iowa. This also marks the first time ever the words wild, tumultuous, exciting and Iowa have been used together in the same sentence.
(We kid the wonderful Midwestern good folks of I-O-Way)

Like Tony Montangyah, mang
*Did you see all the snow at the New England/Indianapolis game? There was more white powder than at Whitney Houston New Year’s Eve party.

Would a lie by any other Rose smell as bad?
*It turns out that “Pete Rose: My Prison Without Bars” is riddled with inaccuracies. For example, Rose claims he started ahead of Roberto Clemente in the 1976 All Star game. The problem? Clemente was dead at the time. So, I guess, technically, Rose was right. For that matter, Rose also started ahead of Ty Cobb, Babe Ruth and Shoeless Joe Jackson.

Now that’s cold, fuggedaboutitahhight?
It is better now, but it was cold back east. In New York, tourists were hiring hookers just for the lingering burning sensation they provide.

The Rap? Just Beat it
Have you seen the new Michael Jackson video? It’s titled; “How Not to Act When Charged with Eight Counts of Child Molestation.”

An idea who's time has come
After long consideration, I think I finally know what we should do to Saddam Hussein. We should dress Saddam up like David Gest and throw him in a room with Liza Minelli. That’ll teach him.

A switch
“Along Came Polly” was number one at the box office this weekend. I like they way they used a ferret in the movie as opposed to the usual movie practice of retaining a ferret as an entertainment attorney.