Friday, December 19, 2003

'Tis the Season to be a Torn Slattern or a Nugget Rancher

I had a busy day; I finally put up the Christmas lights on my spider hole.

This flu that's going around is nasty. One of the symptoms is that it makes you puke in your spider hole.

I can hardly wait until Christmas when Santa Claus comes down the chimney. There is just something special about when a bearded man crawls out of a dirty hole to negotiate.

Folks, there is no such thing as a clever T-Shirt
The man prosecuting Kobe Bryant admitted he has a T-shirts that mocks Kobe's words: "I'm not a rapist; I'm just a cheater." You think that's bad? Rumor has it the Santa Barbara D.A. has a T. shirt with a picture of Michael Jackson that reads; "I feel like a kid again."

For the first time in thirty years, Michael is blacked out
Michael Jackson was officially charged with molestation; Jackson could not be reached for comment, it's not that he's ignoring the press, Jackson's cell phone doesn't work in his spider hole.

That special someone
*Hey women, still don't know what to get that special guy this Christmas? You can't go wrong with a fan for his spider hole. They got those special spider hole fans at the Sharper Image.

Not clear on the concept
*I still don't think Saddam Hussein gets this whole being-captured thing; today Saddam asked to be included as part of the blockbuster trade to the Boston Red Sox.

Ahh, that explains it
New Orleans saints receiver Joe Horn has been fined $30,000 for the way he celebrated a touch down; he pulled out a cell phone and talked into it. It turns out Horn was calling Infone to see where he could find some class.

That special time of year
A 140- pound Bakersfield man tried to rape a 275- pound prostitute, and she beat him up. Let's face it, it's not Christmas until some skinny guy gets the crap beaten out of him by a fat hooker.

What a coincidence
"The Lord of the Rings" is number one at the box office. Incidentally, the Lord of the Rings is also how Venessa Bryant refers to her husband, Kobe Bryant.

A long way to go for a joke as well
President Bush had his knees examined and he does not need arthroscopic surgery. When told he didn't need arthroscopic surgery, Bush said he was glad, he didn't want to have to fly all the way to country of Arthroscopy just for the surgery.

Happy Birthday
Keith Richards turned sixty this week. You want to know what's scary? If Keith Richards keeps hanging in there, one day Keith is actually going to look good for his age.

Thursday, December 18, 2003

This 411 just in, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Sounds familiar
It turns out that when he was captured Saddam Hussein had a fake beard. A fake beard and a bag of cash. Who does this guy think he is, OJ Simpson?

A fake beard? That’s weird. It only takes most Iraqis one day to grow a beard. And thats just the women.

Guess who go their freak on, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
Something funky is going on when I post quotes or apostrophe’s, (see?) so I left them out

A bad rap
In New York, Rapper Nas was arrested after he got in a bar fight and threw a bottle at some guy. Isnt that is amazing? Can you believe that? A rapper who didn’t have a gun. What are the odds?

*President Bush might have to have arthroscopic surgery on both of his knees. It is serious, in fact, Bush has the sorest knee in the White House since, well, Monica.

Too bad
*Its bad luck for Saddam Hussein they made him shave off that beard; Francis Ford Coppola was looking to hire a body double.

Start me up
*Three small ivory statuettes excavated from an archaeological site in Germany are the oldest examples of figurative art in the world. Incidentally, they are also the first ever Rolling Stones action figures.

Can you imagine?
*Ex-segregationist Strom Thurmond had an affair with his black maid; anti-drug commentator Rush Limbaugh was addicted to pills; morality expert William Bennett had a million dollar gambling problem. Man, Al Gores secret life must make Paris Hilton look like Mother Teresa.

Mon ami, part 103
*When discovered, Saddam Hussein reportedly surrendered quickly and meekly with his hands up; today, Saddam officially replaced Jerry Lewis as Frances idol.

Whodah thunk it?
*John Hinckley, who shot President Reagan, will be allowed to leave the mental hospital for a unsupervised visits with his parents. Five years ago, who would have guessed a guy who shot a president would be walking around and Martha Stewart could be in the slammer?

*Barbara Walters aired her Ten Most Fascinating People of 2003. Personally, I thought it was shameful how they left that personality dynamo Gray Davis off that list.

Or maybe Gray Davis
*It turns out Strom Thurmond had an illegitimate African American daughter. Of all the people in the world, Strom might be the last guy I ever thought would have gotten his Sistah freak on.

Shrewd ploy
*Saddams daughter Raghad said the U.S. must have drugged him or he never would have surrendered. Apparently, she is employing the Rush Limbaugh defense.

How far?
*Yesterday was the 100th anniversary of the Wright brothers first powered flight at Kitty Hawk. It traveled 270 yards. Or as Tiger Woods calls that: a four iron.

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

A little bit bad advice:
A Kansas man had to have the tip of his tongue sewn back on after his girlfriend bit it off when he tried to kiss her to end an argument. Guys, let this be a lesson: if the fights going south, keep it in your mouth. And as Lorena Bobbitt taught us: if she screams and rants, keep it in your pants.

Here are some extry jokes, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Flight of not fancy
Today is the 100th anniversary of the first flight at Kitty Hawk. The longest flight only traveled 270 yards. But the in-flight service was much better than it is today.

Tis the season
This time of year it is really good to do something extra for your postman. Some people give money, others bake desserts; in fact, Paris Hilton went the extra mile for her postman: she made a video with him.

Loaded for bear
New Jerseys first bear hunt in 33 years has come to a close. Some of the New Jersey guys are new to bear hunting; today one guy was caught burying a bear’s head in a bowling ball bag.

Today at Tony Sopranos Bada Bing strip club, the appetizer special is Buffalo wings and Bear Nuggets

That’s how it go when you ho, ho, ho, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

What a wheeler-dealer
*When he was arrested, Saddam Hussein said he was ready to negotiate. Boy, this guy drives a hard bargain; Saddam would be serious trouble at the World Series of poker.

*New Orleans Saints Joe Horn was fined $30,000 for his little cell phone stunt. $30,000 for making a phone call. And you thought your wireless plan sucked.

Red carpet
*Saddam is being treated pretty well in the U.S. instillation in Qatar. Why, just this morning at breakfast, Saddam said that he had “the Mother of all Denver omelets.”

*How about that weak-ass Saddam Hussein surrender? I’ve seen more fight from surly soccer moms looking for a parking spot at Starbucks.

It’s working
*Saddam Hussein is being shown videotapes of past events to try and get him upset and trip him up. So far it’s working. Today, Saddam was furious and screamed; “I can’t believe that stupid BCS computer ranked Oklahoma #1.”

He’s baaaack
*Remember Baghdad Bob, the hilarious Iraqi information minister? He’s back. Today Bagdad Bob said that, now that Saddam is inside a U.S. instillation, he’s closer to his goal of capturing President Bush.

Not clear on the concept
*I’m not sure Saddam Hussein gets the whole incarceration concept; today he demanded President Bush’s unconditional surrender.

The guy catches on
*When Cincinnati Bengals’ wide receiver Chad Johnson scored a touchdown, he pulled out a sign that said; “Dear NFL, please don’t fine me,” so, of course, he was fined $10,000 by the NFL. This week Johnson hid a sign that said, “Dear Paris Hilton, please don’t sleep with me.”

How far?
*Choreographed dances, Sharpie pens, pom poms, cell phones, pre-written signs, just how far are these self-aggrandizing NFL end zone celebrations going to go? Well, get this: For his next end zone celebration, the Saints’ Joe Horn plans to pull out Britney Spears and French kiss her.

Since you asked:
Now, I don’t want to sound like a grump, but it is getting really tough to watch an entire NFL football game. When one finally endures all the commercial time-outs, official discussion time-outs, the replay time-outs, and some over-paid prima-donna eventually gets around to doing his freakin’ job, then one has to stomach the inevitable self-promoting dog and pony end zone spectacle.

Excuse me, Chester, but when Johnny Unitas packed a fistful of mud into the gum- holes of his just-knocked-out front teeth to stem the bleeding so he could keep playing, I don’t think he landed a deal from Scott’s Turf Builder, OK, Mr. Cell Phone man? (Whew, that felt pretty good . . .)

Why fool around, NFL players? You want a fat endorsement deal for your upcoming end zone show? Want some serious coin? Next time you score, pull out a computer and download Microsoft’s XP operating system. Rumor has it that Bill Gates has some duckets to toss around, you frickin’ end zone whores. Why, you no good spoiled , selfish, I oughta . . .

(OK, calm down, Lex, go to your happy place: Puppies chasing butterflies, puppies chasing butterflies, puppies chasing butterflies)

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

We all righteous like that all up this here Hizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Thank you, Santa
*How about that Saddam Hussein surrender? Saddam was filthy, haggard, un-shaven, crawling out of a dank rat hole. Not exactly General Robert E. Lee on his white horse nobly handing over his sword at Appomattox, now was it?

Not clear on the concept
*I’m not sure Saddam Hussein gets the whole capture concept; today, while watching daytime TV in his cell, Saddam ordered the jailing and torture of Dr. Phil.

*I’m not sure Saddam Hussein gets the whole capture concept; while watching TV in his cell, Saddam ordered Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie stoned to death.

Sound familiar?

*Saddam was arrested with a beard and big bag of cash. All that was missing was A.C. Cowling driving a slow moving white Bronco.

Nice move
*When he was arrested, Saddam Hussein said he was ready to negotiate. That’s like Martha Stewart trying to get out of insider trading charges by offering the Feds a fruitcake.

Apparently Saddam isn’t a believer of that Only-Negotiate-from-a-position-of-Strength concept. What was he going to offer? His freedom for a Seven-Up and a Mars bar?

No kidding?
*During the celebration of the arrest of Saddam Hussein, one soldier pulled out a cell phone he had hidden in Saddam’s beard and called his Mom.

*During a touchdown celebration against the New York Giants, New Orleans Saints Joe Horn pulled out a cell phone he had hidden in the goal post pad and called his Mom. The good news? Horn’s Mom told him to stop being such a jackass showboat and then she hung up on him.

Awfully thoughtful girl
*Winona Ryder was praised on her probation by the judge; Winona was so appreciative, she plans to steal the judge a nice thank you present.

Always wanted to know
*According to the "New York Times”, Woody Allen is close to making a deal to write his memoirs. I’m looking forward to the chapter that explains how, Woody, a skinny little old nerd, always ends up with young hot babes in all his movies.

Monday, December 15, 2003

We tighter than Saddam all up in his little Hidey-Hole, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Heeeeeere’s Saddam
*He’s cruel, he’s mean and he’s been in hiding, but now we got him; but enough about Simon Cowell’s return to “American Idol,” how about that Saddam Hussein?

Did you see the picture of Saddam? He was caught, un-shaven, filthy, smelly and cowering in a hole, which is otherwise known as the classic French defense.

Believe it or not, there are some fanatic elements that are upset that Saddam Hussein was captured: Islamic radicals, al Qeada members and all of the Democratic presidential candidates.

When offered a glass of water by interrogators, Saddam replied, "If I drink water I will have to go to the bathroom and how can I use the bathroom when my people are in bondage?" Which is ironic, because Saddam has been hosing his people for decades.

Now all we need to do is catch Osama bin Laden. And, to weed him out, we can threaten Osama with all the things that they combed out of Saddam’s beard.

Did you see where Saddam Hussein was hiding? I never understood the street term hidey-hole until I saw that.

The troops who found Saddam Hussein were thrown off by his appearance; when they first caught Saddam they said; “When did the Unabomber get out of prison?”

Even the French congratulated the U.S. on the capture of Saddam Hussein. But the French had to admit, as experts on the subject, the French were impressed at how well Saddam surrendered.

And it wasn’t the Browns who beat them
*Did you see the Pittsburgh Steelers get shut-out by New York Jets 6-0 in the snow? The Steelers were bloodied, bruised, and covered in white powder, just like Whitney Houston.

Lambeau West
*There were over 25,000 Green Bay Packer fans at the San Diego Charger game. The stands were greener than Glen Cambell on New Year’s Day.

The problem with the San Diego Chargers is their offensive line puts up less resistance then Paris Hilton at last call.

Getting’ busy
It turns out the late former segregationist Senator, Strom Thurmond, had an illegitimate child with a black woman. Who would have guessed that? Stromizzle was gettin’ hisself a little Sistah sumpin’ sumpin.’

On the Horn
New Orleans Saints receiver Joe Horn celebrated a touchdown against the New York Giants by removing a cell phone he had hidden in the goal post pad and making a call. The worst part? He called the Giants coach, Jim Fassell, collect.