That’s how it go when you ho, ho, ho, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

What a wheeler-dealer
*When he was arrested, Saddam Hussein said he was ready to negotiate. Boy, this guy drives a hard bargain; Saddam would be serious trouble at the World Series of poker.

Nextel?
*New Orleans Saints Joe Horn was fined $30,000 for his little cell phone stunt. $30,000 for making a phone call. And you thought your wireless plan sucked.

Red carpet
*Saddam is being treated pretty well in the U.S. instillation in Qatar. Why, just this morning at breakfast, Saddam said that he had “the Mother of all Denver omelets.”

Weak
*How about that weak-ass Saddam Hussein surrender? I’ve seen more fight from surly soccer moms looking for a parking spot at Starbucks.

It’s working
*Saddam Hussein is being shown videotapes of past events to try and get him upset and trip him up. So far it’s working. Today, Saddam was furious and screamed; “I can’t believe that stupid BCS computer ranked Oklahoma #1.”

He’s baaaack
*Remember Baghdad Bob, the hilarious Iraqi information minister? He’s back. Today Bagdad Bob said that, now that Saddam is inside a U.S. instillation, he’s closer to his goal of capturing President Bush.

Not clear on the concept
*I’m not sure Saddam Hussein gets the whole incarceration concept; today he demanded President Bush’s unconditional surrender.

The guy catches on
*When Cincinnati Bengals’ wide receiver Chad Johnson scored a touchdown, he pulled out a sign that said; “Dear NFL, please don’t fine me,” so, of course, he was fined $10,000 by the NFL. This week Johnson hid a sign that said, “Dear Paris Hilton, please don’t sleep with me.”

How far?
*Choreographed dances, Sharpie pens, pom poms, cell phones, pre-written signs, just how far are these self-aggrandizing NFL end zone celebrations going to go? Well, get this: For his next end zone celebration, the Saints’ Joe Horn plans to pull out Britney Spears and French kiss her.


Since you asked:
Now, I don’t want to sound like a grump, but it is getting really tough to watch an entire NFL football game. When one finally endures all the commercial time-outs, official discussion time-outs, the replay time-outs, and some over-paid prima-donna eventually gets around to doing his freakin’ job, then one has to stomach the inevitable self-promoting dog and pony end zone spectacle.

Excuse me, Chester, but when Johnny Unitas packed a fistful of mud into the gum- holes of his just-knocked-out front teeth to stem the bleeding so he could keep playing, I don’t think he landed a deal from Scott’s Turf Builder, OK, Mr. Cell Phone man? (Whew, that felt pretty good . . .)

Why fool around, NFL players? You want a fat endorsement deal for your upcoming end zone show? Want some serious coin? Next time you score, pull out a computer and download Microsoft’s XP operating system. Rumor has it that Bill Gates has some duckets to toss around, you frickin’ end zone whores. Why, you no good spoiled , selfish, I oughta . . .

(OK, calm down, Lex, go to your happy place: Puppies chasing butterflies, puppies chasing butterflies, puppies chasing butterflies)