Friday, November 28, 2003

The bird was the word all up in the hizzy yesterdiddy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.

Gooble, gooble, you silly persons
*I had a wild Thanksgiving; instead of dressing the turkey, we gave it a queer makeover.

Surprise, surprise, surprise
*President Bush surprised the troops in Iraq at Thanksgiving dinner at the Baghdad International Airport, which used to be the Saddam Hussein Airport. Boy, talk about flipping Saddam the bird . . .

Can you imagine how mad that must have made Saddam? The President having Thanksgiving at Saddam’s old airport? Maybe that’s been our plan all along, why kill Saddam when you can piss him off.

Why did we elect him if he isn’t going to work?
*An L.A. photographer was barred from selling topless photos of Cameron Diaz. Hello? Governor Schwarzenegger? Did you have too much turkey? Wake up and overturn this.

Do you know what Chi Chi’s are in Spanish?
*Did you hear about the hepatitis outbreak at the Pennsylvania Chi Chi’s restaurant? Today Chili’s restaurant changed their motto to: We’re Not Chi Chi’s.

Rough week
Man, this was not my week. This Thanksgiving I had planned to meet Carmen Electra at a Chi Chi’s restaurant and propose while they played a Michael Jackson song.

Get help and call
Guitarist Dave Navarro married ultra-babe Carmen Electra. For you guys depressed over this news, a hotline has been formed: 1-800-O-Grow Up.

I though it looked familiar
Have you seen the Miller commercial where all the people fall right over and knock each other down like dominoes? They got the concept from watching the San Diego Chargers practice.

So sad
*”San Francisco Chronicle” editor Phil “the ex-Mr Sharon Stone” Bronstein might hire Sean Penn to report from Iraq. Bronstein was going to have another big lizard bite off his toe, but he thought hiring Penn might be an easier way to get his name back in the news.

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

We gonna play that bird like it ain’t never been played, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Safety tip
*The day before Thanksgiving is the busiest bar day of the year. Yep, so if you are driving to a bar, please be careful. Because so is Glen Cambell, Nick Nolte, Wynona and Diana Ross.

We ain’t here to start no scuffle…
Former Chicago Bear quarterback Jim McMahon was arrested after his Breathalyzer test registered over three times the legal Florida limit. They suspected McMahon was drunk when they asked him to walk the yellow line and instead he did the Super Bowl Shuffle.

Upon hearing about McMahon’s three times legal limit test result, Glen Cambell said; “I wanna party with that Dude.”

Did you see that Glen Cambell mug shot? I wasn’t sure if it was Glen Cambell or the Grinch Who Stole Christmas.

Dash it all
*More tension between the U.S. and Great Britain. The Royal family claimed President Bush’s three helicopters ruined the grass and garden at Buckingham Palace. Not only that, but the propellers destroyed Prince Charles’ topiary rendition of Dorothy from “The Wizard of Oz.”

Aren’t we all?
*They are going to release 40 detainees from Camp X-Ray. A spokesman for the detainees say they are looking forward to getting out and taking their turn having video sex with Paris Hilton.

Finger lickin’ and heart-stop-tickin good
*KFC is being criticized for claiming in its ads that fried chicken is good for you. In response, a KFC spokesperson said they stand by their statement that fried chicken is good for you, then he excused himself for his annual quintuple by-pass surgery.

If fried chicken is so good for you, how come KFC’s 12-piece bucket comes with a coupon for 10% off your next heart defibrillator application?

New meaning to kissing your sister
*It was ruled that this year’s President’s Cup golf challenge would have no winners. It would be a tie between the U.S., and the International team and Rosie O’Donnell and her former publisher.

Somewhere baseball commissioner Bud Selig is smiling.

Not a lawyer but I play one on TV
*From an outsider’s perspective, it’s not looking good for Michael Jackson. If I was his attorney I would either try and plead insanity or a sudden bout of devout Catholicism.

That’s right, if I was Michael Jackson’s attorney, I would have no choice but to pull the Priest card.

Since you asked:
Did you see the mug shot of the Al Qeuda member they just caught who planned the attack on the USS Cole? Apparently Al Quida is Arabic for really ugly mad guys. These al Queda guys are so ugly they would have to take ugly pills to get less ugly. And yes, I know I spelled al Qiuda four different ways. Gosh, I hope that doesn’t upset them . . .

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

We got your back, dog- Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Tacky Americans
More tension between the U.S. and Great Britain. The Royal family claimed President Bush’s three helicopters ruined the grass and garden at Buckingham Palace. Not only that, but they broke several of Prince Charles’ “Cher” lawn statues.

That would do it
*The Center for Disease Control has announced that syphilis is up for the second year in a row with most of the increase in western states like California. Scientists attribute this increase in syphilis in California to the fact that Paris Hilton lives there.

He Rushed to treatment too soon
*The Senate passed a sweeping Medicare bill that includes prescription drug benefits for seniors. Man, bad timing for Rush Limbaugh, just when he got clean.

Snooze alarm
Apparently relaxed turkeys taste better so the National Farmer's Union in London has come up with a plan to play soothing songs to the birds, like Kenny-G’s music. So, for a change, people will be putting the turkeys to sleep.

A long time
Former Beatles drummer Pete Best turned 62 yesterday. That’s over 124 in; “What was I thinking?” years.

No problem
When he was booked, Michael Jackson was listed as 5.11, but merely 120 pounds. Michael doesn’t have to worry about prison, he can just walk out between the bars.

It’s not all bad news for Michael Jackson. His mug-shot won the Edvard Munch; “The Scream” look-alike contest.

Poor doggyIn North Carolina, a five-legged dog had to have two of his hind legs removed. In addition, after they took two of his five legs, they had change his name from Tripper to Skipper.

You know what they call removing a dog’s legs in Korea? Carving the Thanksgiving dinner.

Finger lickin’ good
KFC is being criticized for claiming in its ads that fried chicken is good for you. In response, KFC said, “Hey if Michael Jackson can claim he’s innocent, we can say deep fried fatty food is healthy.”

Monday, November 24, 2003

Now why they have to go and do like that, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Smell a rat
To be honest, I am starting to think Michael Jackson may be guilty of something. Today he gave Bubbles the chimp a four million dollar diamond ring.

That and a few other things
*What’s the difference between the San Diego Chargers defense and Paris Hilton? It’s harder to score on Paris Hilton.

In fact, today the San Diego Chargers know how Paris Hilton feels. They have to watch in horror at a video tape of them getting hosed repeatedly.

Thanks but no thanks
Lyle Menendez got married in prison. The bride’s parents told Lyle that, although it was a nice gesture, they would actually prefer that he not call them Mom and Dad.

Mmmm good
*English scientists say a calmer turkey is a tastier turkey. It’s true, a calmer turkey tastes better than one that is scared or upset. In fact, anyone who is interested, Rush Limbaugh has an awesome Prozac-stuffing recipe.

Knew they looked familiar
*Did you see the new Orange jerseys on the Miami Dolphins in their game against the Redskins? It looks like the entire team was sentenced to roadside community service.

That exciting
*The President’s Cup golf action was so exciting, it woke me out of my nap three times.

There was no winner of this year’s President’s Cup. It’s kind of like a Florida election, there are no winners.

Actually, I have seen it
*Did you see the Paris Hilton sex video? I haven’t seen it, but from what I hear, she gets up right in the middle to answer the phone. If there is one phrase no guy should ever have to yell out during sex, it’s: “Just let the machine get it.”

That old?
*Hooter’s restaurant is now 20 years old. Sadly, so are their chicken wings.

Good plan
*Attorney Mark Geragos is defending both Michael Jackson and Scott Peterson. It’s part of Geragos early retirement strategy. Next year, Jackson and Peterson will be in prison and Geragos can retire.