Now why they have to go and do like that, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Smell a rat
To be honest, I am starting to think Michael Jackson may be guilty of something. Today he gave Bubbles the chimp a four million dollar diamond ring.

That and a few other things
*What’s the difference between the San Diego Chargers defense and Paris Hilton? It’s harder to score on Paris Hilton.

In fact, today the San Diego Chargers know how Paris Hilton feels. They have to watch in horror at a video tape of them getting hosed repeatedly.

Thanks but no thanks
Lyle Menendez got married in prison. The bride’s parents told Lyle that, although it was a nice gesture, they would actually prefer that he not call them Mom and Dad.

Mmmm good
*English scientists say a calmer turkey is a tastier turkey. It’s true, a calmer turkey tastes better than one that is scared or upset. In fact, anyone who is interested, Rush Limbaugh has an awesome Prozac-stuffing recipe.

Knew they looked familiar
*Did you see the new Orange jerseys on the Miami Dolphins in their game against the Redskins? It looks like the entire team was sentenced to roadside community service.

That exciting
*The President’s Cup golf action was so exciting, it woke me out of my nap three times.

There was no winner of this year’s President’s Cup. It’s kind of like a Florida election, there are no winners.

Actually, I have seen it
*Did you see the Paris Hilton sex video? I haven’t seen it, but from what I hear, she gets up right in the middle to answer the phone. If there is one phrase no guy should ever have to yell out during sex, it’s: “Just let the machine get it.”

That old?
*Hooter’s restaurant is now 20 years old. Sadly, so are their chicken wings.

Good plan
*Attorney Mark Geragos is defending both Michael Jackson and Scott Peterson. It’s part of Geragos early retirement strategy. Next year, Jackson and Peterson will be in prison and Geragos can retire.