Thursday, August 21, 2003

What it is, what it was, what it shall be, Torn Slattern and Nugget Ranchers

Could this guy have any other name? Seriously, try to picture Schwarzenegger as Harold. Doesn’t quite work, does it?

Has anyone else noticed that when Arnold says California, it sounds like he’s saying Cauliflower? Can you imagine how much Arnold is going to butcher the word Gubernatorial?

When Arnold does try to say Gubernatorial, my guess is that it comes out something like Gewie-Burner-Nut-Oreo-ale.

I can’t wait for California Governor candidates Arnold Schwarzenegger and Arianna Huffington’s debate. They will sound like Natasha and Boris from “Rocky and Bullwinkle.”

You can check out any time you want . . .

The most sought after hotel room in the country? Kobe Bryant’s infamous Colorado suite where the alleged sexual assault took place. It is expensive to stay there. It’s not just that the room price is too high, but, after you stay, you have to spend millions on a diamond for your wife.

I may have mentioned this before
The Chicago Bear Super bowl champ coach and pitchman for Consort hair spray for men, Mike Ditka, well, let’s say his hair isn’t going to be the only thing that’s going to be a little stiffer. Ditka is the spokesperson for Levitra, the new Viagra. This Levitra stuff supposedly works. Let’s just say Ditka’s wife hasn’t started calling him Iron Mike again for nothing.

Wednesday, August 20, 2003

Now that’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout, rub some funk on it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Good move
Greek authorities announced they will raise the limit on the number of licensed brothels for the 2004 Summer Games. In addition, they are going to change the Olympic motto from Faster, Higher, Stronger, to Who’s Your Daddy?

We kid Shania
Shania Twain had a two-hour concert special on NBC. A two hour special means Shania spent one complete hour on each one of her hit songs.

It had to be him
*It turns out the blackout was due to a problem in transmission lines in Ohio. Too bad, I was hoping somehow we could blame it on Gray Davis.

So nice, they named it twice
*New Yorkers are receiving high praise for the calm and helpful way they responded to the blackout. No kidding, New Yorkers are getting nicer. In Times Square today a New Yorker actually included the word please when he told a tourist to go screw himself.

(Get the drum kit ready)
New Yorkers are getting nicer. In Times Square, the Hookers are throwing in a free pleasantry with every trick.

It is true, New Yorkers are getting friendlier. Now when the New York cops draw a body outline in chalk, they always throw in a smiley face.

I’m tellin’ you, New Yorkers are getting friendly, in the subways people now ask permission before they urinate on the floor.

I am not kidding, New Yorkers are getting friendlier. Now the waiters brush their teeth before they spit in your food.

New Yorkers are getting friendlier. The last time I was in Central Park, the mugger said “Thank You” after he robbed me.

Zay it ain’t zo
*The United States is headed towards another fight with France, this time over the U.S.’s intention to lift U.N. sanctions against Libya. Well, fight might not be the right word, but France is threatening to throw a serious hissy fit our way.

What are the French going to do? Threaten to hold their breath until they turn bleu? (Note the crafty use of the French spelling. In my best Alf voice, I kill me)

Tuesday, August 19, 2003

They drive the old and busted joint, we drive the new hotness, right Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Well, that would explain it
Tiger “Don’t say slump” Woods finished 16 strokes off the lead at the PGA Championship. In other defeats Tiger has alternately blamed his caddy’s club choice, his faulty Nike driver, gallery noise and the weather. This time? Tiger blamed his poor showing on Ozzie Osbourne’s horrible rendition of “Take me Out to the Ballgame” at Wrigley Field.

How bad was Ozzie’s “Take Me Out to the Ballgame?” I had to listen to Rosanne Barr’s version of “The Star Spangled Banner” to erase the memory.

Swifter, Higher, Hornier
Greek authorities announced they will raise the limit on the number of licensed brothels for the 2004 Summer Games. The hard part about this announcement? Somebody has to tell the over 375 NBA players there are only 16 roster spots on the Olympic basketball team.

The University of Colorado topped the list of party schools in the nation according to the Princeton Review's latest survey. But Baylor was chosen the most likely place to get wasted.

Oh Canada
It turns out the blackout was due to a problem in transmission lines in Ohio. Remember how quick we were to blame it on Canada? We were about five minutes from getting ready to hunt for Canada’s weapons of mass destruction. We wanted to blame the blackout on France, but it couldn’t possibly be their fault so we had to blame it on French Canadians.

And I want my damn Latte now!
The sense of entitlement in this country is officially out of hand; today at the Del Mar race track, I overheard a cranky soccer Mom demanding that her fifth place horse be given an award for participating. And a lawyer threatened to sue Del Mar racetrack because he said he was not informed that his sixth place horse was “a motivationally challenged underachiever.”

Monday, August 18, 2003

We all of that and a side of fries, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

G-Day, Sheila
During the Cubs- Los Angeles Dodgers game in Chicago, I happened to catch the replay of actor Russell Crowe throwing out the first pitch; I have six words that will make all guys very happy: Russell Crowe throws like a debutante.

Zake ze sout zoo zah zallzame
Ozzie Osbourne sang “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” at the Chicago Cubs game at Wrigley Field Sunday. Well, saying he sang might be pushing it. Ozzie sounded like a really drunken Scoobie Doo.

Even Keith Richards couldn’t translate what Ozzie slurred from drunk-British-rock-star to English.

Let’s be frank
Randall Simon - the famous mascot sausage knocker - has been traded to the Chicago Cubs. Nothing helps a team down the stretch like knowing they have a new guy who is a proven wiener.

That bad?The PGA Championship's final-round TV ratings dropped 41 percent this year. If the ratings were any lower it would have been an WNBA game.

Quite a milestone
Now, I don’t want to brag, but I am extremely proud that I finished my first Ironman competition. It was touch and go, I got really hot and tired. But after I turned on the A.C., poured an ice tea and lay down on the couch, I was able to watch the entire Hawaiian Ironman broadcast.

In these Ironmans they always focus on the dramatic stories like this one guy who finished with two metal legs. Let’s think about this. Is that really fair? Metal doesn’t get tired, if you ask me, this guy was cheating.

Cruz “Bust a Move”
It’s looking good for Lt. Gov. Cruz “Bust a move” Bustamante, a poll shows he is in first place ahead of Arnold, or as Gray Davis calls Bustamante: that evil backstabbing two-timing Judas.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is getting a little nastier towards Gray Davis; Arnold’s new campaign slogan; “Let’s get rid of Gray and take the Guber out of Gubernatorial.”

That gay
You know what we need more of today? Gay oriented TV shows. It’s unbelievable how many gay shows there are: “Will and Grace” “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” “Boy Meets Boy” “The Actors Studio.” Just to keep up, NBC is changing the name to “The Tonight Show with Gay Leno.”