Tuesday, August 19, 2003

They drive the old and busted joint, we drive the new hotness, right Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Well, that would explain it
Tiger “Don’t say slump” Woods finished 16 strokes off the lead at the PGA Championship. In other defeats Tiger has alternately blamed his caddy’s club choice, his faulty Nike driver, gallery noise and the weather. This time? Tiger blamed his poor showing on Ozzie Osbourne’s horrible rendition of “Take me Out to the Ballgame” at Wrigley Field.

How bad was Ozzie’s “Take Me Out to the Ballgame?” I had to listen to Rosanne Barr’s version of “The Star Spangled Banner” to erase the memory.

Swifter, Higher, Hornier
Greek authorities announced they will raise the limit on the number of licensed brothels for the 2004 Summer Games. The hard part about this announcement? Somebody has to tell the over 375 NBA players there are only 16 roster spots on the Olympic basketball team.

The University of Colorado topped the list of party schools in the nation according to the Princeton Review's latest survey. But Baylor was chosen the most likely place to get wasted.

Oh Canada
It turns out the blackout was due to a problem in transmission lines in Ohio. Remember how quick we were to blame it on Canada? We were about five minutes from getting ready to hunt for Canada’s weapons of mass destruction. We wanted to blame the blackout on France, but it couldn’t possibly be their fault so we had to blame it on French Canadians.

And I want my damn Latte now!
The sense of entitlement in this country is officially out of hand; today at the Del Mar race track, I overheard a cranky soccer Mom demanding that her fifth place horse be given an award for participating. And a lawyer threatened to sue Del Mar racetrack because he said he was not informed that his sixth place horse was “a motivationally challenged underachiever.”