Saturday, February 22, 2003

We all up in this here Humpy Bumpy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Oops, she sniffed it again
Britney Spears is fuming over a Star magazine story that says she uses cocaine. She plans to sue the tabloid. Britney then left for a frenetic all-night recording session for her duet remake of the Grateful Dead’s “Casey Jones” with Whitney Houston. A Pop star using drugs, whoever heard of such a ridiculous thing?

Britney Spears is fuming over a Star magazine story that says she uses cocaine. Upon hearing this, Whitney Houston issued a statement to Britney: “You go, girl.”

Is anyone shocked by this? In the music industry it is widely known that cocaine is what puts the pop in pop stars.

Whose reality is it anyway?
In People Magazine, “Joe Millionaire” Evan Marriott said he picked Zora over Sarah because he thought Sarah really wanted him for his phony $50 million. In other words, Evan was suspicious Sarah was faking her affection over money he lied about in the first place. Sounds to me like they were perfect for each other.

That’s like accusing someone of cheating at poker better than you are.

If you ask me, the biggest liar was Zora who claimed she was relieved that Evan didn’t have any money. Oh yeah, a broke guy is always such a turn-on for women.

He: “Hey, baby, look at my ATM receipt, there’s only ten bucks in my account.”

She: “Ewwww, Stud-muffin, stop it, you’re driving me crazy.”

Remember in “Joe Millionaire” when Zora claimed she was relieved that Evan didn’t really have any money? It was at that point that Anna Nicole Smith smashed her television and had to be sedated. Anna Nicole Smith then yelled; “What is wrong with kids today?”

Humm that baby in here
The New York Post reported that Hall of Fame pitcher Sandy Koufax is rumored to be gay. Is he gay? We don’t know, but if he is gay, we do know he isn't the catcher.

Unlike Mike Piazza.

Friday, February 21, 2003

The Contest is over, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The contest for Biggest Pain-in-the-neck is officially over. It was won yesterday by a bitter woman in her early forties driving a big BMW in the MacDonalds drive through right here in Carmel Valley, California. And I have to confess, I am not surprised that somebody around here won it.

See, MacDonalds was running this offer on them horribly tasty and unhealthy Sausage Egg McMuffins with cheese for the Satanic-like inducing cheap prize of only one damn dollar. Who can resist that? Not me. So against all my better health and nutritional instincts, I pull into the drive-through to get me one.

The woman in front of me - the one in the large BMW - is taking an amazingly long time to order. When I finally pull up to order, I can see on the screen that she had ordered three Sausage Egg Muffins, but specifically with no cheese. (Lactose-intolerant would be my only guess) Why this took so long, I do not know. I place my order (I just wanted one with cheese, thank you very much)

This woman is now at the cashier's window and she is embroiled in a heated argument with the cashier. Since the conversation is heated, I can overhear it. Turns out that, since she doesn't want the cheese, she wants a discount on her one dollar Sausage McMuffins. Turns out MacDonalds don't have no no-cheese discount. Cars are piling up in line. She continues to argue. Managers are called out. She is repeatedly asked to pull forward because she is blocking everyone else in line. She refuses. This goes on - and I am not lying - for a good ten minutes. Ten minutes of "In-line-at-the-MacDonalds-drive-through-behind-a-crazy-woman" time is one hour in real life time.

Not being the most patient man in the world, I sit there fuming until I cannot take it one second longer. Finally, I lean out of my car and yell;

"For the love of decency, Lady, they only cost one damn dollar!"

She cuts me a dirty look. She still didn't move. After another five minutes of arguing and not moving - now with irate drivers honking horns (I swear it wasn't me) she grudgingly pulled up so other people could drive through. As I drove past her - surprise, surprise - she gave me the finger. What a charming human being. No more MacDonalds for me. Ever. I mean it. Besides, the one-dollar deal is now over, thank goodness.

Le Royal with Cheese
The French continue to oppose any US action against Iraq. What’s the big deal? Our military needs the French like a fish needs a bicycle.

We need French military support as much as we need more Michael Jackson specials.

I am not saying I am for a war against Iraq. That is not my field of expertise, far from it. I am just against the French and spoiled-rotten, rich, under-informed movie stars telling us what we should or should not do. Attention Martin Sheen, you may play a president on TV, but you are not one in real life.

Did everyone see this e-mail? I am sure it falls under the urban myth category, but it sure is fun to read:

It came titled; "A letter home from a soldier"

Dear Dad,

A funny thing happened to me yesterday at Camp Bondsteel (Bosnia):

A French army officer walked up to me in the PX, and told me he thought we Americans were a bunch of cowboys and were going to provoke a war in Iraq. He said if such a thing happens, we wouldn't be able to count on the support of France.

I told him that it didn't surprise me. Since we had come to France's rescue in World War I, World War II, Vietnam, and the Cold War, their ingratitude and jealousy was due to surface [again] at some point in the near future anyway. I also told him that is why France is a third-rate military power with a socialist economy and a bunch of pansies for soldiers.

I additionally told him that America, being a nation of deeds and action, not words, would do whatever it had to do, and France's support, if it ever came, was only for show anyway. Just like in ALL NATO exercises, the US would shoulder 85% of the burden, and provide 85% of the support, as evidenced by the fact that this French officer was shopping in the American PX, and not the other way around.

He began to get belligerent at that point, and I told him if he would like to, I would meet him outside in front of the Burger King and whip his ass in front of the entire Multi-National Brigade East, thus demonstrating that even the smallest American had more fight in him than the average Frenchman.

He called me a barbarian cowboy and walked away in a huff.

With friends like these, who needs enemies?

Dad, tell Mom I love her,

Your loving daughter,

Mary Beth Johnson
LtCol., USMC

Do the French know we have so much fun at their expense? Why do we have so much fun at France's expense? Because it is so tres damn easy. Come to think of it, I bet that lady at MacDonalds was French. She must have been. Who else objects to a slice of American cheese? One more reason to hate the French: They are shameless cheese snobs.

Thursday, February 20, 2003

Now why you got to be like that, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Apropos of nothing . . .
New York is still digging out of the snowstorm. New York got 19.8 inches. Can you imagine, they got 19.8 inches. Incidentally, I wonder if Pamela and Tommy Lee will ever get back together?

Chew on this
Has everyone seen the face tattoo Mike Tyson got? I don’t want to imply that Tyson is crazy, but as Evander Holifield’s ear knows only too well, Mike Tyson put the molar in bi-polar.

Hee Hee, ewwww part 4
Scientists at the University of Illinois have developed a plastic that repairs itself. Do realize what this mean? Michael Jackson may get a nose after all.

Sap Trap
Did you see “The Bachelorette”? Big surprise. Trista picked “Joe Millionaire”.

Did you see “The Bachelorette”? I thought it was kind of tough the way Trista picked the winner. She said; “Everyone who is dating, me, Trista, take one step forward, Charlie, not so fast.”

Me, for one
*The Spice Girls may be planning a comeback. Who among us will ever forget where they were or what they were doing when the heard the news?

And in this trailer, wearing the blue-jean trunks . . .
Tonya Harding makes her pro boxing debut this weekend. Her ring name is the White Man’s Trash with the Right hand Smash.

Tonya’s ring name is The Trollop with the Wallop, The Batterin’ Slattern, the Whore who can floor.

Just say non
Remember in the beginning of the week, members of congress said they wanted us to boycott French products. What French products? Champagne? OK, folks, no champagne this morning at work, we need to send the French a message.

Members of congress said they wanted us to boycott French products. So please, do not order any French Fries.

Darn. And I was on my way to buy a Renault. Oh well.

Here’s the beef
Kobe Bryant scored 11 of Los Angeles' last 17 points and finished with 40 as the Los Angeles Lakers held off the Utah Jazz 93-87. Kobe is a Japanese name that, roughly translated, means Shaq Who?

Are you not
Did you know the show “Are You Hot” is a form of intelligence test? If you are watching it, you flunk.

For “Are You Hot?” Lorenzo Lamas has taken on the “American Idol” Simon Cowell roll of mean judge. If you are an actor, how bad is your career going when you are reduced to portraying Simon Cowell?

Frog leg leftovers
The French want more evidence against Iraq before they can support the U.S. No problem, just as soon as the French produce some evidence they fought in World War II.

Next to the Kathy Lee Gifford biography
Tonya Harding on the same card as Mike Tyson this weekend. Ten years ago Mike and Tonya were at the top of their respective sports. Now they are both featured in the sporting equivalent of the five-dollar or less bookstore sales bin.

That explains why she is driving better
An Indian girl who spent the first 18 years of her life as a female has just discovered that she is a boy. Tests revealed she had a developing male sex organ, which was freed after an operation. This also explains her increasing desire to leave the toilet seat up.

Zee hell, you zay
The French and a lot of movie stars are opposed to the US moving against Saddam Hussein. What do the French and movie stars have in common? Neither have ever really fought in a battle, but they have pretended to.

Tryst -ah
Rumor has it – and I hope this isn’t true - that “The Bachelorette” Trista Rehn has been pulling a lot of the “Don’t you know who I am?” difficult celebrity snit fit routines already. Boy, you hate to hear this. Especially because, in one year, even Kato Kaelin won’t remember who Trista is. I can think of two words why Trista shouldn’t be difficult: Darva Conger.

And yet, oddly, I have time to write about it
In an America Online survey of “The Bachelorette” with over 400,000 respondents, over 70% thought Trista made the right choice with Ryan. Do you realize what this means? A lot of people have way, way too much time on their hands. And, on the same survey, 100% thought Trista was right not to pick Michael Jackson.

Tattoo you
Has everyone seen the face tattoo Mike Tyson got? I don’t want to imply that Tyson is crazy, but as Evander Holyfield knows only too well, Tyson put the molar in bi-polar.

Wednesday, February 19, 2003

You must be straight up trippin', Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How snowy was it?

How about that huge snowstorm? It’s colder back east than Sarah’s last hug to Evan on “Joe Millionaire”.

It’s snowing so hard, the rest of Michael Jackson’s family is white.

There hasn’t been that much white powder in New York since Whitney Houston was in town.

In New York it is snowing so hard that when Hookers ask how they can fulfill their customer’s fantasy, the standard reply now is; “Shovel my driveway.”

Roses are reds violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic and so am I
Mike Tyson suddenly changed his mind saying his fight with Clifford Etienne is back on. The decision came less than 24 hours after Tyson's camp called off the fight. This news was the latest in a series of bizarre twists. In fact, even Michael Jackson is starting to think Tyson is nuts.

Apparently didn’t Tyson agree to fight until Michael Jackson threatened to dangle him out a hotel balcony.

Mike Tyson suddenly changed his mind saying his fight with Clifford Etienne is back on. This is good news for Tonya Harding who is set to make her pro boxing debut on the under card. Lucky thing, because Tonya still has to pay for that duct tape and plastic sheeting upgrade to her motor home.

Some sad news
The founder of Holiday Inn passed away last week. He was 90-years-old so they had to charge him a late check out fee.

French War Heroes and Other Pamphlets
Due to their opposing us at the U.N., relations between France and the U.S. have never been worse. Why, in Paris there are reports of French waiters rudely ignoring U.S. tourists. Oh wait, it’s always been like that. Never mind.

Due to their opposing us at the U.N., relations between France and the U.S. have never been worse. It’s so bad that there are even reports of American waiters rudely ignoring French tourists.

The French are apparently so vehemently opposed to U.S. action against Iraq, as a form of protest, they are refusing to shower, bath or shave. No, wait, they were like that before. Never mind.

The French oppose any U.S. military action against Iraq. Speaking of the French military, if you are interested, the storied history of French military victories has been reprinted and is now available in a handsome credit card-sized laminated piece of paper. It fits nicely in a wallet.

Now it will be “Joe “I’m Sorry, But You’re Not on the Guest List”
Did you see that Evan picked Zora on “Joe Millionaire” and they split one million bucks? Look for the next Fox sequel “Joe Quarter-Millionaire-After-Taxes.”

Did you see that Evan picked Zora on “Joe Millionaire”? If you missed it, the show was about a broke construction worker living in a French mansion with 25 gorgeous women. How in the world does that qualify as reality television? Whose reality is that?

“Uh, yeah girls, you sit out by the pool and have the butler bring champagne, I’m off to dig trenches.”

When has that ever happened?

Did you see that Evan picked Zora on “Joe Millionaire” and they split one million bucks? The loser, Sarah, isn’t too upset. When it comes to making money and having a job, Sarah will be tied up for quite a while.

More sad news
Did you hear about that horrible stampede at the Chicago night club? Now, in addition to a cover charge, there will be a take cover charge.