The Contest is over, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


The contest for Biggest Pain-in-the-neck is officially over. It was won yesterday by a bitter woman in her early forties driving a big BMW in the MacDonalds drive through right here in Carmel Valley, California. And I have to confess, I am not surprised that somebody around here won it.

See, MacDonalds was running this offer on them horribly tasty and unhealthy Sausage Egg McMuffins with cheese for the Satanic-like inducing cheap prize of only one damn dollar. Who can resist that? Not me. So against all my better health and nutritional instincts, I pull into the drive-through to get me one.

The woman in front of me - the one in the large BMW - is taking an amazingly long time to order. When I finally pull up to order, I can see on the screen that she had ordered three Sausage Egg Muffins, but specifically with no cheese. (Lactose-intolerant would be my only guess) Why this took so long, I do not know. I place my order (I just wanted one with cheese, thank you very much)

This woman is now at the cashier's window and she is embroiled in a heated argument with the cashier. Since the conversation is heated, I can overhear it. Turns out that, since she doesn't want the cheese, she wants a discount on her one dollar Sausage McMuffins. Turns out MacDonalds don't have no no-cheese discount. Cars are piling up in line. She continues to argue. Managers are called out. She is repeatedly asked to pull forward because she is blocking everyone else in line. She refuses. This goes on - and I am not lying - for a good ten minutes. Ten minutes of "In-line-at-the-MacDonalds-drive-through-behind-a-crazy-woman" time is one hour in real life time.

Not being the most patient man in the world, I sit there fuming until I cannot take it one second longer. Finally, I lean out of my car and yell;

"For the love of decency, Lady, they only cost one damn dollar!"

She cuts me a dirty look. She still didn't move. After another five minutes of arguing and not moving - now with irate drivers honking horns (I swear it wasn't me) she grudgingly pulled up so other people could drive through. As I drove past her - surprise, surprise - she gave me the finger. What a charming human being. No more MacDonalds for me. Ever. I mean it. Besides, the one-dollar deal is now over, thank goodness.

Le Royal with Cheese
The French continue to oppose any US action against Iraq. What’s the big deal? Our military needs the French like a fish needs a bicycle.

We need French military support as much as we need more Michael Jackson specials.

I am not saying I am for a war against Iraq. That is not my field of expertise, far from it. I am just against the French and spoiled-rotten, rich, under-informed movie stars telling us what we should or should not do. Attention Martin Sheen, you may play a president on TV, but you are not one in real life.

Did everyone see this e-mail? I am sure it falls under the urban myth category, but it sure is fun to read:

It came titled; "A letter home from a soldier"

Dear Dad,

A funny thing happened to me yesterday at Camp Bondsteel (Bosnia):

A French army officer walked up to me in the PX, and told me he thought we Americans were a bunch of cowboys and were going to provoke a war in Iraq. He said if such a thing happens, we wouldn't be able to count on the support of France.

I told him that it didn't surprise me. Since we had come to France's rescue in World War I, World War II, Vietnam, and the Cold War, their ingratitude and jealousy was due to surface [again] at some point in the near future anyway. I also told him that is why France is a third-rate military power with a socialist economy and a bunch of pansies for soldiers.


I additionally told him that America, being a nation of deeds and action, not words, would do whatever it had to do, and France's support, if it ever came, was only for show anyway. Just like in ALL NATO exercises, the US would shoulder 85% of the burden, and provide 85% of the support, as evidenced by the fact that this French officer was shopping in the American PX, and not the other way around.

He began to get belligerent at that point, and I told him if he would like to, I would meet him outside in front of the Burger King and whip his ass in front of the entire Multi-National Brigade East, thus demonstrating that even the smallest American had more fight in him than the average Frenchman.

He called me a barbarian cowboy and walked away in a huff.

With friends like these, who needs enemies?

Dad, tell Mom I love her,

Your loving daughter,

Mary Beth Johnson
LtCol., USMC

Do the French know we have so much fun at their expense? Why do we have so much fun at France's expense? Because it is so tres damn easy. Come to think of it, I bet that lady at MacDonalds was French. She must have been. Who else objects to a slice of American cheese? One more reason to hate the French: They are shameless cheese snobs.