Now why you got to be like that, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?


Apropos of nothing . . .
New York is still digging out of the snowstorm. New York got 19.8 inches. Can you imagine, they got 19.8 inches. Incidentally, I wonder if Pamela and Tommy Lee will ever get back together?

Chew on this
Has everyone seen the face tattoo Mike Tyson got? I don’t want to imply that Tyson is crazy, but as Evander Holifield’s ear knows only too well, Mike Tyson put the molar in bi-polar.

Hee Hee, ewwww part 4
Scientists at the University of Illinois have developed a plastic that repairs itself. Do realize what this mean? Michael Jackson may get a nose after all.

Sap Trap
Did you see “The Bachelorette”? Big surprise. Trista picked “Joe Millionaire”.

Did you see “The Bachelorette”? I thought it was kind of tough the way Trista picked the winner. She said; “Everyone who is dating, me, Trista, take one step forward, Charlie, not so fast.”

Me, for one
*The Spice Girls may be planning a comeback. Who among us will ever forget where they were or what they were doing when the heard the news?

And in this trailer, wearing the blue-jean trunks . . .
Tonya Harding makes her pro boxing debut this weekend. Her ring name is the White Man’s Trash with the Right hand Smash.

Tonya’s ring name is The Trollop with the Wallop, The Batterin’ Slattern, the Whore who can floor.

Just say non
Remember in the beginning of the week, members of congress said they wanted us to boycott French products. What French products? Champagne? OK, folks, no champagne this morning at work, we need to send the French a message.

Members of congress said they wanted us to boycott French products. So please, do not order any French Fries.

Darn. And I was on my way to buy a Renault. Oh well.

Here’s the beef
Kobe Bryant scored 11 of Los Angeles' last 17 points and finished with 40 as the Los Angeles Lakers held off the Utah Jazz 93-87. Kobe is a Japanese name that, roughly translated, means Shaq Who?

Are you not
Did you know the show “Are You Hot” is a form of intelligence test? If you are watching it, you flunk.

For “Are You Hot?” Lorenzo Lamas has taken on the “American Idol” Simon Cowell roll of mean judge. If you are an actor, how bad is your career going when you are reduced to portraying Simon Cowell?

Frog leg leftovers
The French want more evidence against Iraq before they can support the U.S. No problem, just as soon as the French produce some evidence they fought in World War II.

Next to the Kathy Lee Gifford biography
Tonya Harding on the same card as Mike Tyson this weekend. Ten years ago Mike and Tonya were at the top of their respective sports. Now they are both featured in the sporting equivalent of the five-dollar or less bookstore sales bin.

That explains why she is driving better
An Indian girl who spent the first 18 years of her life as a female has just discovered that she is a boy. Tests revealed she had a developing male sex organ, which was freed after an operation. This also explains her increasing desire to leave the toilet seat up.

Zee hell, you zay
The French and a lot of movie stars are opposed to the US moving against Saddam Hussein. What do the French and movie stars have in common? Neither have ever really fought in a battle, but they have pretended to.

Tryst -ah
Rumor has it – and I hope this isn’t true - that “The Bachelorette” Trista Rehn has been pulling a lot of the “Don’t you know who I am?” difficult celebrity snit fit routines already. Boy, you hate to hear this. Especially because, in one year, even Kato Kaelin won’t remember who Trista is. I can think of two words why Trista shouldn’t be difficult: Darva Conger.

And yet, oddly, I have time to write about it
In an America Online survey of “The Bachelorette” with over 400,000 respondents, over 70% thought Trista made the right choice with Ryan. Do you realize what this means? A lot of people have way, way too much time on their hands. And, on the same survey, 100% thought Trista was right not to pick Michael Jackson.

Tattoo you
Has everyone seen the face tattoo Mike Tyson got? I don’t want to imply that Tyson is crazy, but as Evander Holyfield knows only too well, Tyson put the molar in bi-polar.