Saturday, February 08, 2003

We are all up in this here beeeeeaaaaatch, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Bruin screwin' brewin'
UCLA lost to USC 86-85 keeping the Bruins in their nine game losing streak, the worst losing skid since 1940-41. How bad is it for UCLA? This team put the ruin in Bruin.

Not even as good as kissing your sister, especially in West Virginia
Chess great Garry Kasparov played to a 3-3 draw in his match against a chess-playing computer. Apparently baseball commissioner Bud Selig was the head official.

Say ahhhhh shhhhhhhiiiiiiiiii . . .
A Texas dentist, who ran over her cheating husband with her Mercedes twice, testified it was an accident. Sorry. You drive over an innocent pedestrian once, you may just be a real lousy driver. You drive over a cheating husband twice, you’re a really good driver who just killed her husband.

You know what they say: hell hath no fury like a scorned dentist in a Mercedes Benz.

Whatever happens, this is one dentist who won’t have any problem getting her patients to pay their bills on time.

Can you imagine being a patient of this dentist? “Floss or else. I have a Mercedes and I’m not afraid to use it.”

Since you asked:

Saw "How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days" last night with Kate Hudson and Mathew McConaughey. ("Really? Who did you sit next to, Matt or Kate?" An old joke, but I like it) How was it? About three days too long. Total chick flick, but, as my Grandmother Rodgers used to damn with feint praise; "It was right cute." In fact, therein lay the problem: cute premise, cute couple, cute jokes, cute, cute, cute, cute. Oh, and if the focus was any softer, I would have thought I was on acid.

I like Kate Hudson. First of all she only uses two names instead of three, unlike Sarah Michelle Geller, and Jennifer Love Hewitt. And neither of her names are weird like Charlize, Gwenyth, Sigourney, Tea, Tia or Lea. McConaughey seems OK, but ever since he was busted for pot while dancing around naked with some other naked guy, I have been forced to keep him at arm's length. Sorry Matt. Plus, there is something going on funky-like with McConaughey's hair. So far, I don't know what it is, but when I do find out, trust me, somebody WILL be standing tall before the man.

Major flaws in "How To Lose a Guy in Ten Days." First of all, why does McConaughey's character have a thick Texas accent when he supposedly grew up in Staten Island, New York? Next, McConaughey's character is supposedly an advertising sports wizard; so why does he refer to the 3,000 meter hurdles? There is no 3,000 meter hurdles. There is a 3,000 meter steeplechase, but no 3,000 meter hurdles. Maybe there is a 3,000 meter hurdles in the Get Naked and Stoned with Another Guy Olympics, but nowhere in Track and Field. And since when did Lilith from "Cheers" start a women's magazine?

The moral of this story? Guys, never let the woman pick a movie unless you are in deep, deep trouble. Came right home and hit a couple Kettle One martinis and then I was fine, thanks for asking.

Friday, February 07, 2003

Woo, woo, here comes the insane train, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

(Apologies to "Terrible" Terry Tate)

How much snow? Fahgettaboutit
The Northeast has been hammered by a snowstorm. In Washington it’s dumping harder than Donald Rumsfeld does on Saddam Hussein.

In New York it is snowing so hard, in Times Square, for an extra ten bucks, the Hookers will throw in a squeegee job.

A snowstorm in New York is tough on the cab drivers. Not because it’s hard to drive, it’s just not as fun to flip-off someone when you’re wearing mittens.

It was so cold in New York the cab drivers were wrapping their turbans around their feet.

It was so cold in New York the cab drivers switched to the camel-fur-lined turbans.

Hee hee . . . ewwwwwwwwwww
In the “20/20” interview, Michael revealed he learned about sex while pretending to be asleep in the same room that his brothers were having sex with groupies. Sadly, Tito hasn’t had sex since then.

No wonder Jackson is crazy. You’d be crazy too if every night, as a kid, you heard some girl yelling; “Oh Tito, oh Tito, oh Tito!

Michael Jackson filed complaints and is furious at the interviewer of ABC’s “20/20”documentary about his life. I don’t see why Jackson would be so upset at the interviewer, unless it was somehow the interviewer’s fault that Jackson is a perverted, stark-raving lunatic.

I saw the Michael Jackson interview and I am confident my skin will stop crawling sometime next week.

Michael told the interviewer that he had only had plastic surgery twice on his nose. So, according to that kind calculation, that would make the 40-year old Jackson about five-years old.

In the “20/20” interview, Michael revealed he sleeps with un-related children in the same bed and he doesn’t think there is anything wrong with it. To which R. Kelley replied; “Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about.”

This one isn’t mine, but it fits like a glove: Only in America can a poor, cute black child grow up to be a scary white woman.

You want rice or noodles with barking brocorri?
The situation is tense in North Korea. In fact, that situation is more tense there than a North Korean dog at dinner time.

It’s official
After 14 years, Atlanta Braves David Justice has retired. So it’s official, in baseball, there is no Justice.

Man vs. Machine
Chess great Garry Kasparov was held to a draw by the chess-playing computer. It was a tough day for Kasparov, that night he came home and caught his wife with yet another machine.

I want Jesse’s girl
Rev. Jesse Jackson has demanded that the NFL investigate the hiring of Steve Mariucci, saying the Detroit Lions violated the league's policy requiring teams to consider a minority for coaching positions. Listen, Jesse, if you want free tickets for you and your girlfriends, just say so.

In addition, Jesse Jackson demanded that the NBA investigate why LeBron James hasn’t been offered bribes from more African American-owned businesses.

I'll give them a year to cut that out . . .
The Pentagon said today there’s been a sudden rise in suicide attempts by al-Qaeda prisoners in Guantanmo Bay. All I can say is, keep up the good work down there.

It turns out they cut down on the prisoner’s massage and spa time and some of the prisoners just couldn’t take it.

Thursday, February 06, 2003

Don't bring that weak stuff all up in this here hizzhouse, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

LeBron, Lebron likes his money, part 4
LeBron James should be ineligible. Not for accepting the jerseys but for accepting the fact that a Wes Unseld jersey is worth more than a Gayle Sayers jersey. Now that is criminal.

But seriously, LeBron James has been ruled eligible, and that is good. Now, if LeBron had accepted a pair of Wes Unseld vintage shorts, he should be kicked out. Remember those things? Wes had a huge butt and thighs and these tiny, tiny shorts. Those shorts should have been ruled ineligible.

In fact, the only person in history who looked worse in shorts than Wes Unseld is Richard Simmons.

We can all relax now . . .
It looks like Turkey will align with the U.S. over Iraq. I think I speak for a lot of people when I say, oh goody.

When it comes to choking, Knight is a giver, not a taker
Former Indiana coach Bobby Knight got his 800th career win. For Knight, this comes on the heels of another milestone, yesterday in practice, Knight choked his 500th player.

How old is he?
After the Super Bowl loss, there are questions as to what the Oakland Raiders will do their high-priced, aging stars. For example, to give you an idea how old Jerry Rice is, he is the only active player whose current jersey is classified as vintage.

Not only war is hell
The ABC “20/20” Michael Jackson interview aired tonight, and I think it was in the best interest of our national security. Compared to a candid interview with Michael Jackson, Saddam Hussein and the entire Iraqi army doesn’t seen nearly as scary.

Saddam Hussein is still boldly predicting his army will vanquish any attack from our U.S. troops. Ewww, take it easy on us, Saddam, we’re still shaking from the scary Dessert Storm memory of those Iraqi soldiers surrendering to a CNN film crew.

Say it ain't so, Jacko . . .
Michael Jackson says he felt betrayed by the producers of his “20/20” interview. Jackson said ABC promised to protect him, but in the end, they left him dangling like a baby from a hotel balcony.

Tuesday, February 04, 2003

Word up, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

If that is possible . . .
Colin Powell’s report to the U.N. will prove – among other things - that Saddam Hussein is even more annoying than a movie star complaining about the arduousness of their “craft.”

Dead zone
The Chicago White Sox Comisky Park is going to be named U.S. Cellular Field. And, unlike the White Sox, the phones will work in that area.

Phil, that’s not what we meant when we said we needed a hit
Phil Spector, the legendary music producer behind numerous great artists, including Eric Clapton, is being held for murder after a woman was shot at his home. When interrogated, Spector also confessed;

“I shot the sheriff, but I did not shoot the deputy.”

The Phil Spector arrest is not a surprise to many artists who have worked with Spector. To give you an idea, even Michael Jackson thought Spector was nuts. How crazy do you have to be when you are considered the nuttiest person in an industry that includes Micheal Jackson and Whitney Houston?

And the B.S.’r is . . .
Actress Kathleen Turner returned to a rehab center, but she claims she has stayed sober, she just wanted to revisit the rehab process. Ding ding ding. We have a new pubic relations spin winner. Come up here and get your golden shovel award.

In response, Bobby Brown said he didn’t break all those laws, he just wanted to revisit the incarceration process.

LeBron, LeBron likes his money, part 3
Ohio High School basketball phenom LeBron James was ruled ineligible for accepting gifts of two sports jerseys. His crime wasn’t that he took the jersey’s, he’s ineligible because he had the bad taste to take Florida Marlin and Cincinnati Bengals jerseys.

Does the trailer get cable?
HBO announced this week they’re coming out with a new reality show set in a trailer park. Finally, Tonya Harding will get to see how the rich folks live.

Bruin ruin
The U.C.L.A. basketball team has lost eight games in a row. What have they been doing, eating off of the Clippers plate?

It is so bad, U.C.L.A. couldn’t do any worse if they had actual students playing on the team.

The U.C.L.A. basketball team has lost eight games in a row. It’s so bad, local merchants are desperately trying to give the players vintage jerseys so they can get them kicked off the team.

U.C.L.A. is playing so badly, boosters are demanding a refund on their under-the-table payoffs.

Life of Riley
The Miami Heat under former Laker coach Pat Riley are in last place. Riley attributes the slide to the fact that the refs are all against him. Another factor may be that, now when Riley rolls out the balls at practice, he no longer has guys named Magic and Kareem there to pick them up.

And if things weren’t bad enough for Riley, remember how cool Pat Riley looked with his slicked back hair in the Eighties? As Riley gets older, he is starting to look more and more like the winner of the Raider owner Al Davis look-alike contest.

The Miami Heat under former Laker coach Pat Riley are in last place. For a long time, Pat Riley was one of the highest paid motivational speakers. Now as the coach of the last place Miami Heat, Riley has trouble getting stage time at Open Mike night at the Miami Komedy Kove.

Monday, February 03, 2003

We are all of that, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A differant .45 with a hole

Did you hear about Phil Spector’s latest hit? It’s number one with a bullet.

Phil Spector, the legendary producer behind numerous 1960s hits, including the Beatles, is being held for murder after a woman was shot. You know which Beatles album Spector produced? I’m not sure, but I’m guessing “Revolver.”

She likes the rehab process . . . and a whole lot of vodka martinis.
Actress Kathleen Turner returned to a rehab center, but she claims she has stayed sober for a year, she just wanted to revisit the rehab process. Yeah right. And I just want to revisit my dentist for the root canal process. Please.

It's up and it's really no good . . .
Indianapolis Colts kicker Mike Vanderjagt criticized quarterback Peyton Manning 0-3 playoff record during a Canadian interview. A field goal kicker criticizing a quarterback? That’s like the mess cook criticizing a special forces fighter.

At the Pro Bowl game, Manning shot back by calling Vanderjagt “an idiot kicker.” That term idiot kicker is a little confusing. Is he a kicker who is an idiot, or does he actually kick idiots?

Look for a new play in the Indianapolis Colts’ playbook next year: “Lob pass to the kicker over the middle, everyone else run off the field, on two, ready, break.”

Manning has a lot of pull with the Colts organization. Don’t be surprised to see Vanderjagt kicking field goals next year while wearing a tutu.

It is widely known that on all football teams, the place kicker is thought of like the equipment manager: he’s on the team, he’s important to the team, but he doesn’t actually play football.

Due to the ugly remarks by Indianapolis Colts kicker Mike Vanderjagt about quarterback Peyton Manning, let’s take a moment to reflect on what Detroit Lions lineman great Alex Karras said on why he hates kickers;

“We knock our brains out for sixty minutes, and then this little guy comes and yells; “I keek touchdown, I keek touchdown.”

A kicker criticizing their all pro quarterback? Why not just come right out and announce you want to be traded to a bad team for a case of beer?

I think I can speak for all current and former position football players, the guys in the trenches, when I say to Indianapolis Colts kicker Mike Vanderjagt; “Shut up and do your little cute Rockettes/ballet kick, you no-contact-having weasel.”

LeBron, LeBron likes his money, part 2
Ohio High School basketball phenom LeBron James was ruled ineligible for accepting gifts of two sports jerseys. Sadly, LeBron misunderstood when he was told to only take bribes he could launder.

Sunday, February 02, 2003

Now, that's what I'm talkin' about, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Such a round you shouldn't believe, oy . . .
You won’t want to miss the exciting scene in “Rocky VI” where Rocky is in the middle of round seven when, suddenly, his Metamucil kicks in.

LeBron wears his gift bribes like a crown . . .
Ohio High School basketball phenom LeBron James was ruled ineligible for accepting gifts of two sports jerseys. LeBron, was recently cleared of driving around in a $50,000 Hummer vehicle because it was, supposedly, a gift from his Mom. What kind of message are we giving kids? It’s OK to take stuff illegally, just make sure it is well laundered?

LeBron, LeBron likes his money . . .
Ohio High School basketball phenom Le Bron James reportedly refuses autographs, is testy with the press, was seen driving around in a controversial $50,000 Hummer, and now he is ineligible for accepting two sports jerseys. There is no question, with a couple more legal transgressions, this kid will be ready for the NBA.

What do they know?
There are some purists who do not believe sports and comedy go together. As a sports/comedy announcer, I tend to disagree. If you don’t think sports and comedy go together, than you have:

A, Never heard nor seen Don King.

B, Never seen how Oakland Raider owner Al Davis dresses.

C, Never heard analyst Deion Sanders try to go ten seconds without referring to himself. (But enough about me, what do you folks think about me?)

D, Never watched the Cincinnati Bengals play – for lack of a better word – football.

E, Never heard a replay of the late great Chicago Cubs announcer Harry Carey’ s pronunciation of Jose Visciano’s name.(Hint: afterwards the mike needs to be skwee g’d.)

F, Never seen NBA player’s interpretation of the death scene in “Carmen” every time they are whistled for a foul.

G, Never watched Fox NFL’s Terry Bradshaw wheeze his way through a walk through of an offense.

H, Never seen Fox NFL’s Jimmy Kimmel make fun of stuffed-shirts Terry Bradshaw and Howie Long.

I, Never seen John Madden’s Monday Night Football rant on the Thanksgiving Turducken (A chicken in duck in a turkey)

J, Never witnessed Charles Barkeley’s performance on either “Celebrity Who Wants to Be a Millionaire”, or “Celebrity Jeopardy.” (Hint: Sir Charles makes Britney Spears look like theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking )

K, Never seen Charles Barkley play golf.

L, Never seen Bill Murray play golf. (Nor seen "Caddy Shack" for that matter)

M, Never heard Mike Tyson pronounce ludicrous.

N, Never seen any number of Pete Rose’s hair cuts. (My personal favorite, a tie between his 70’s Moe of “The Three Stooges” and the recent Sparse Fairway Rough)

O, Never heard an Oxen-muscled home run hitter deny any use of muscle supplements.

P, Never watched HBO’s Inside the NFL’s Wanda Sykes

Q, Never seen Bob Costas stand next to someone.

R, Never seen Shaquille O’Neal stand next to someone.

S, Never played the drinking game, “Uh and You Know” while watching an athlete interview.

T, Never seen Green Bay quarterback Brett Favre – for lack of a better term – dance after a touch down.

U, Never seen Dallas Mavericks Center Shawn Bradley – for lack of a better term – jump.

V, Never seen Tonya “The Trollop with a Wallop” Harding box.

W. Never seen Tiger Woods swear after a rare bad shot

Y, Never seen golfer Peter Jacobson’s “Arnold Palmer” imitation

Z, Never read "A Little Bit Bad"

(Polite applause)