Friday, February 07, 2003

Woo, woo, here comes the insane train, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

(Apologies to "Terrible" Terry Tate)

How much snow? Fahgettaboutit
The Northeast has been hammered by a snowstorm. In Washington it’s dumping harder than Donald Rumsfeld does on Saddam Hussein.

In New York it is snowing so hard, in Times Square, for an extra ten bucks, the Hookers will throw in a squeegee job.

A snowstorm in New York is tough on the cab drivers. Not because it’s hard to drive, it’s just not as fun to flip-off someone when you’re wearing mittens.

It was so cold in New York the cab drivers were wrapping their turbans around their feet.

It was so cold in New York the cab drivers switched to the camel-fur-lined turbans.

Hee hee . . . ewwwwwwwwwww
In the “20/20” interview, Michael revealed he learned about sex while pretending to be asleep in the same room that his brothers were having sex with groupies. Sadly, Tito hasn’t had sex since then.

No wonder Jackson is crazy. You’d be crazy too if every night, as a kid, you heard some girl yelling; “Oh Tito, oh Tito, oh Tito!

Michael Jackson filed complaints and is furious at the interviewer of ABC’s “20/20”documentary about his life. I don’t see why Jackson would be so upset at the interviewer, unless it was somehow the interviewer’s fault that Jackson is a perverted, stark-raving lunatic.

I saw the Michael Jackson interview and I am confident my skin will stop crawling sometime next week.

Michael told the interviewer that he had only had plastic surgery twice on his nose. So, according to that kind calculation, that would make the 40-year old Jackson about five-years old.

In the “20/20” interview, Michael revealed he sleeps with un-related children in the same bed and he doesn’t think there is anything wrong with it. To which R. Kelley replied; “Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about.”

This one isn’t mine, but it fits like a glove: Only in America can a poor, cute black child grow up to be a scary white woman.

You want rice or noodles with barking brocorri?
The situation is tense in North Korea. In fact, that situation is more tense there than a North Korean dog at dinner time.

It’s official
After 14 years, Atlanta Braves David Justice has retired. So it’s official, in baseball, there is no Justice.

Man vs. Machine
Chess great Garry Kasparov was held to a draw by the chess-playing computer. It was a tough day for Kasparov, that night he came home and caught his wife with yet another machine.

I want Jesse’s girl
Rev. Jesse Jackson has demanded that the NFL investigate the hiring of Steve Mariucci, saying the Detroit Lions violated the league's policy requiring teams to consider a minority for coaching positions. Listen, Jesse, if you want free tickets for you and your girlfriends, just say so.

In addition, Jesse Jackson demanded that the NBA investigate why LeBron James hasn’t been offered bribes from more African American-owned businesses.

I'll give them a year to cut that out . . .
The Pentagon said today there’s been a sudden rise in suicide attempts by al-Qaeda prisoners in Guantanmo Bay. All I can say is, keep up the good work down there.

It turns out they cut down on the prisoner’s massage and spa time and some of the prisoners just couldn’t take it.