Word up, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

If that is possible . . .
Colin Powell’s report to the U.N. will prove – among other things - that Saddam Hussein is even more annoying than a movie star complaining about the arduousness of their “craft.”

Dead zone
The Chicago White Sox Comisky Park is going to be named U.S. Cellular Field. And, unlike the White Sox, the phones will work in that area.

Phil, that’s not what we meant when we said we needed a hit
Phil Spector, the legendary music producer behind numerous great artists, including Eric Clapton, is being held for murder after a woman was shot at his home. When interrogated, Spector also confessed;

“I shot the sheriff, but I did not shoot the deputy.”

The Phil Spector arrest is not a surprise to many artists who have worked with Spector. To give you an idea, even Michael Jackson thought Spector was nuts. How crazy do you have to be when you are considered the nuttiest person in an industry that includes Micheal Jackson and Whitney Houston?

And the B.S.’r is . . .
Actress Kathleen Turner returned to a rehab center, but she claims she has stayed sober, she just wanted to revisit the rehab process. Ding ding ding. We have a new pubic relations spin winner. Come up here and get your golden shovel award.

In response, Bobby Brown said he didn’t break all those laws, he just wanted to revisit the incarceration process.


LeBron, LeBron likes his money, part 3
Ohio High School basketball phenom LeBron James was ruled ineligible for accepting gifts of two sports jerseys. His crime wasn’t that he took the jersey’s, he’s ineligible because he had the bad taste to take Florida Marlin and Cincinnati Bengals jerseys.

Does the trailer get cable?
HBO announced this week they’re coming out with a new reality show set in a trailer park. Finally, Tonya Harding will get to see how the rich folks live.

Bruin ruin
The U.C.L.A. basketball team has lost eight games in a row. What have they been doing, eating off of the Clippers plate?

It is so bad, U.C.L.A. couldn’t do any worse if they had actual students playing on the team.

The U.C.L.A. basketball team has lost eight games in a row. It’s so bad, local merchants are desperately trying to give the players vintage jerseys so they can get them kicked off the team.

U.C.L.A. is playing so badly, boosters are demanding a refund on their under-the-table payoffs.

Life of Riley
The Miami Heat under former Laker coach Pat Riley are in last place. Riley attributes the slide to the fact that the refs are all against him. Another factor may be that, now when Riley rolls out the balls at practice, he no longer has guys named Magic and Kareem there to pick them up.

And if things weren’t bad enough for Riley, remember how cool Pat Riley looked with his slicked back hair in the Eighties? As Riley gets older, he is starting to look more and more like the winner of the Raider owner Al Davis look-alike contest.

The Miami Heat under former Laker coach Pat Riley are in last place. For a long time, Pat Riley was one of the highest paid motivational speakers. Now as the coach of the last place Miami Heat, Riley has trouble getting stage time at Open Mike night at the Miami Komedy Kove.