Sunday, February 02, 2003

Now, that's what I'm talkin' about, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Such a round you shouldn't believe, oy . . .
You won’t want to miss the exciting scene in “Rocky VI” where Rocky is in the middle of round seven when, suddenly, his Metamucil kicks in.

LeBron wears his gift bribes like a crown . . .
Ohio High School basketball phenom LeBron James was ruled ineligible for accepting gifts of two sports jerseys. LeBron, was recently cleared of driving around in a $50,000 Hummer vehicle because it was, supposedly, a gift from his Mom. What kind of message are we giving kids? It’s OK to take stuff illegally, just make sure it is well laundered?

LeBron, LeBron likes his money . . .
Ohio High School basketball phenom Le Bron James reportedly refuses autographs, is testy with the press, was seen driving around in a controversial $50,000 Hummer, and now he is ineligible for accepting two sports jerseys. There is no question, with a couple more legal transgressions, this kid will be ready for the NBA.

What do they know?
There are some purists who do not believe sports and comedy go together. As a sports/comedy announcer, I tend to disagree. If you don’t think sports and comedy go together, than you have:

A, Never heard nor seen Don King.

B, Never seen how Oakland Raider owner Al Davis dresses.

C, Never heard analyst Deion Sanders try to go ten seconds without referring to himself. (But enough about me, what do you folks think about me?)

D, Never watched the Cincinnati Bengals play – for lack of a better word – football.

E, Never heard a replay of the late great Chicago Cubs announcer Harry Carey’ s pronunciation of Jose Visciano’s name.(Hint: afterwards the mike needs to be skwee g’d.)

F, Never seen NBA player’s interpretation of the death scene in “Carmen” every time they are whistled for a foul.

G, Never watched Fox NFL’s Terry Bradshaw wheeze his way through a walk through of an offense.

H, Never seen Fox NFL’s Jimmy Kimmel make fun of stuffed-shirts Terry Bradshaw and Howie Long.

I, Never seen John Madden’s Monday Night Football rant on the Thanksgiving Turducken (A chicken in duck in a turkey)

J, Never witnessed Charles Barkeley’s performance on either “Celebrity Who Wants to Be a Millionaire”, or “Celebrity Jeopardy.” (Hint: Sir Charles makes Britney Spears look like theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking )

K, Never seen Charles Barkley play golf.

L, Never seen Bill Murray play golf. (Nor seen "Caddy Shack" for that matter)

M, Never heard Mike Tyson pronounce ludicrous.

N, Never seen any number of Pete Rose’s hair cuts. (My personal favorite, a tie between his 70’s Moe of “The Three Stooges” and the recent Sparse Fairway Rough)

O, Never heard an Oxen-muscled home run hitter deny any use of muscle supplements.

P, Never watched HBO’s Inside the NFL’s Wanda Sykes

Q, Never seen Bob Costas stand next to someone.

R, Never seen Shaquille O’Neal stand next to someone.

S, Never played the drinking game, “Uh and You Know” while watching an athlete interview.

T, Never seen Green Bay quarterback Brett Favre – for lack of a better term – dance after a touch down.

U, Never seen Dallas Mavericks Center Shawn Bradley – for lack of a better term – jump.

V, Never seen Tonya “The Trollop with a Wallop” Harding box.

W. Never seen Tiger Woods swear after a rare bad shot

Y, Never seen golfer Peter Jacobson’s “Arnold Palmer” imitation

Z, Never read "A Little Bit Bad"

(Polite applause)