Saturday, October 19, 2002

Do like you do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

All writers who were quoted on page 17 of yesterday's Wall Street Journal in the hizzouse say yeah.


I have this re-occurring writer’s nightmare that right in the middle of typing, suddenly I have this mental lapse, and I lose the ability to connect words with their correct meaning. It really makes me feel all drooling banana bottle rain pinky. You know what I window?

Now Continental had to kick a pilot off for being drunk. They became suspicious when he kept interrupting the in-flight movie to point out all of the distilleries along the way.

Here’s the latest Hollywood game: How do you make a screen writer scream yes and then immediately scream no? You say; “The studio called, they want to make your movie. And Madonna wants to star in it.”

The FBI has a new anti-terrorist safety plan. They go to any room that is might be under a terrorist threat and show Madonna’s movie “Swept Away.” Even terrorists can’t stand it. Rumor has it that even Demi Moore is making fun of Madonna’s film career.

On the bright side for Madonna, “Swept Away” is so bad it actually make some of her earlier movies seem not nearly as awful.

Far be it from me to say that Madonna is a bad actress, but they are showing “Swept Away” as an example of what not to do at The Pauly Shore Acting School. I don’t want to say that Madonna is a bad actress, but you can generally see more acting depth and range on “The Anna Nicole Show.”

The World Series is about to start, and, I don’t mean to be a sour-puss, but I am starting to wish they would bring back the Atlanta Braves annoying Tomahawk Chop and use it on the frickin' Rally Monkey.

Thursday, October 17, 2002

Rock steady, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.

Have you heard the latest and lamest pick-up line in the singles bars in Anaheim?

No, that isn’t a rally monkey in my pants, I’m just glad to see you.”

In the All-California Anaheim Angels vs. the San Francisco Giants World Series, Anahiem is being criticized as a non-descript suburban cluster that happens to have Disney Land. That is not true. Why, for example Anaheim has, um, well there is, and how about . . . well, go Angels. Anaheim may be suffering from an identity crisis. Their city motto is; “At least we’re not Orlando.”

In the All-California Anaheim Angels vs. the San Francisco Giants World Series, out-of-state’rs may need a refresher course in California lingo:

In the rest of the U.S., gnarly means knotty. In California, Gnarly means too intense.

In the rest of the U.S. a dude is a fancy dresser. In California, a dude is everybody else.

In the rest of the U.S. whatever means anything and everything. In California, whatever means yeah right, you idiot.

In the rest of the U.S. stoked means a well-fueled fire. In California, stoked means excited.

In the rest of the U.S. bitchin’ is complaining. In California, bitchin’ is wonderful. And awesome means really bitchin’.

In the rest of the U.S. killer is real bad, in California, killer is real good.

In the rest of the US whoa means stop. In California, whoa means wow.

Remember how Saddam Hussein wrote a play? Now he wrote a sitcom: “Eight Simple Rules For Dating My Teenage Camel.”

The Green Bay Packers' running back Najeh Davenport was sentenced to community service. In July, he broke into an ex-girlfriend's dorm room, and defecated in her closet. Ironically, his community service is to work for the park department spreading fertilizer. In addition, this brought new meaning to the expression; “Dumping a girlfriend.”

A pilot was removed from Continental Airlines jet in Houston right before it took off because he was drunk. There is no justification for a pilot flying drunk. Well, other than, when they land, they get a choice of twice as many runways.

Rapper Sean "P. Diddy" Combs, will perform on the soundtrack for an upcoming animated kid flick. I think his character’a name Cappy Bust-a-Cap.

Researchers in Japan say they are close to developing an onion that doesn’t make people cry. Great, now if Madonna could learn how to make a movie that isn’t so bad it makes us cry.

The movie "Swept Away"" starring Madonna had the worst opening week of any major movie in the last eight years last week. How bad is it? The producers of; “The Anna Nicole Show” walked out.

This is how spoiled we are in Southern California. It sprinkled a little yesterday and people were so desperate to escape the rain some people actually ran into a movie theater that was featuring Madonna’s “Swept Away.”

Scientists said they have discovered a huge black hole in the Milky Way. There is only one thing that could chew a big hole in a Milky Way that big: Anna Nicole Smith.

Have you seen the Christine Aguilera’s video “Dirrty”? Not to imply it was too skanky, but it is the only music video ever made that they recommend you wear a Hazmat suit while watching it.

Wednesday, October 16, 2002

Once again, rub some funk on it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The Anaheim Angels have the wildly popular Katie, the rally monkey. The San Francisco Giants haven’t had much luck coming up with a mascot. So far all they have is Andre, the flamboyant choreographer; Raul, the catty hairdresser and Stephaan, the sensitive interior decorator.

Kirk Gibson has been given a job as new Detroit Tiger manager Allen Tramwell’s bench coach. Gibson was so excited when he got the news, he limped around his house and pumped his fist.

A Miami man filed a lawsuit against Vikings holdout Bryant McKinnie, alleging McKinnie severely beat him last summer. The team’s only comment was that it was a nice that a Viking other than Randy Moss stands accused of doing something stupid for a change.

Remember how Saddam Hussein wrote a play? Now he wrote his very own sitcom, and it aired today: “Eight Simple Rules For Dating my Camel.”

This time the “Fly the friendly skies” airline United announced they relieved a pilot of his duty because he appeared drunk. Now we know why the skies are so friendly; the pilots are wearing beer goggles.

The playoffs ended last week, but the World Series doesn’t begin until Saturday. The networks are really dragging this out. Game seven of the World Series is scheduled for New Year’s Eve.

Saddam Hussein won another seven-year term as Iraq's president in a referendum in which he was the sole candidate, taking 100% of the vote. Oddly enough, Florida had him losing to an un-named Republican.

After a touchdown in their 28-21 win over the Seattle Seahawks, San Francisco Forty Niner Terrell Owens pulled a Sharpee pen out of his socks and signed the football and gave it to a friend in the stands. Then Owens pulled his agent out of his pants and together they charged the guy $500 for the autographed ball.

After a huge promotional campaign, Madonna’s movie “Swept Away” is a bust at the box office. It is such a huge bomb, Madonna is now an official al Quida suspect.

Actress Rebecca Romjin-Stamos says she and her husband, John, first had sex at Disneyland and that they visit the park on their wedding anniversaries. “

Hey, Rebecca and John, you just had sex, where are you going now?”

“We’re going to leave Disneyland.”

Dell is dumping that annoying blonde kid as their spokesman:

“Dude, you’re getting a pink slip.”

Monday, October 14, 2002

Go ahead, rub some funk on it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Word of warning, folks, don’t make the same mistake I did. I thought I was going to the movie “The Red Dragon.” Turns out it was the x-rated “The Red Drag Queen.” It was an honest mistake. I asked the door guy if this was the movie with the guy who eats guys. He said; “You bet, sweety.”

The New York Jets had a bye this weekend. The bad news? The Bye won 27-7.

The Anahiem Angels are off to the World Series in part due to Katie, the Rally Monkey. This is the first time a primate has been a factor in a playoff game since John Rocker pitched for the Atlanta Braves.

Do you get these annoying junk e-mails for porno Internet sites? They can’t possibly tell the porno actresses the names of the sites or nobody would agree to do them:

“Uh, yeah, all the girls here for the “Filthy Slutty Whores” shoot in this line, and the girls for “Nasty Horny Skanks”over here.

Wampler Foods recalled over 27 million pounds of meat. The recall is the largest in USDA history. It is the most meat ever re-called since Anna Nicole Smith had to repeat her senior year in High School.

How about that exciting San Diego Chargers 35-34 comeback win against the Kansas City Chiefs? That is the best comeback since Winston Churchill’s; “I may be drunk, but you’re ugly and tomorrow I’ll be sober.”

In the Green Bay Packers 28-10 over the struggling New England Patriots, Packer kicker Ryan Longwell continues his struggles from last year when he missed a 42-yard-field goal. One more miss and the kicker will have to change his name from Longwell to Shortbad.

Archaeologists excavating an ancient site in London said they had unearthed the oldest known plaque. It is 2000 years old. They translated it from Latin. It was inscribed; “Congratulations on your first gold album to the Rolling Stones.”

Madonna’s new movie “Swept Away” opened poorly at the box office last weekend, pulling in only $375,000. Coincidentally, Madonna spent $375,000 that weekend on eyeshade.

The Clintons celebrated their 27th wedding anniversary by watching the movie "My Big Fat Greek Wedding." Bill and Hilllary liked it, but their dates didn't much care for it.