Monday, October 14, 2002

Go ahead, rub some funk on it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Word of warning, folks, don’t make the same mistake I did. I thought I was going to the movie “The Red Dragon.” Turns out it was the x-rated “The Red Drag Queen.” It was an honest mistake. I asked the door guy if this was the movie with the guy who eats guys. He said; “You bet, sweety.”

The New York Jets had a bye this weekend. The bad news? The Bye won 27-7.

The Anahiem Angels are off to the World Series in part due to Katie, the Rally Monkey. This is the first time a primate has been a factor in a playoff game since John Rocker pitched for the Atlanta Braves.

Do you get these annoying junk e-mails for porno Internet sites? They can’t possibly tell the porno actresses the names of the sites or nobody would agree to do them:

“Uh, yeah, all the girls here for the “Filthy Slutty Whores” shoot in this line, and the girls for “Nasty Horny Skanks”over here.

Wampler Foods recalled over 27 million pounds of meat. The recall is the largest in USDA history. It is the most meat ever re-called since Anna Nicole Smith had to repeat her senior year in High School.

How about that exciting San Diego Chargers 35-34 comeback win against the Kansas City Chiefs? That is the best comeback since Winston Churchill’s; “I may be drunk, but you’re ugly and tomorrow I’ll be sober.”

In the Green Bay Packers 28-10 over the struggling New England Patriots, Packer kicker Ryan Longwell continues his struggles from last year when he missed a 42-yard-field goal. One more miss and the kicker will have to change his name from Longwell to Shortbad.

Archaeologists excavating an ancient site in London said they had unearthed the oldest known plaque. It is 2000 years old. They translated it from Latin. It was inscribed; “Congratulations on your first gold album to the Rolling Stones.”

Madonna’s new movie “Swept Away” opened poorly at the box office last weekend, pulling in only $375,000. Coincidentally, Madonna spent $375,000 that weekend on eyeshade.

The Clintons celebrated their 27th wedding anniversary by watching the movie "My Big Fat Greek Wedding." Bill and Hilllary liked it, but their dates didn't much care for it.