Monday, January 23, 2017

A Florida man says he is training a goldendoodle named Patton to be the Trump’s White House pet. First they have to see if Patton gets along with that thing on Trump’s head.

A man in Mexico claims he has an 18-inch penis. Upon hearing this, Donald Trump said, “Please tell me those 18 inches are alternative facts.” 

Melania Trump offered to build a wall around him. 

In a related story, the next “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” will be filmed in Mexico.

It is the fourth anniversary of Blockbuster closing and I am still on hold at one of their stores. 

#FreeKatieRich. But can I get a job writing for "SNL" if I promise not to write a joke that Barron was the last Trump to see Melania naked? 

Since you asked:

When I used to work in La Jolla for Shearson Lehman as a stock broker, in the mid/late 80’s, there were several old-school guys, greying or dyed hair, sideburns too long, loud ties and shirts, who would get their every morning at 6:30 AM, when the market opened, like clockwork. Hungover as dogs. They would turn in trades that generated thousands of dollars in commissions. 

At 8:00 AM, they would head out to a diner for an old school breakfast of bacon and eggs and lots of coffee. Back to the office, while sucking on toothpicks, to churn out another couple thousand in commissions.  

One O’Clock, when the market closed, it was off to the Whaling Bar at the La Valancia hotel or George’s By the Cove for seafood lunch and cocktails. If they came back, which they often did not, they came back with a good snoot-on to make a few more calls and set up the mornings thousands of dollars of trades. 

Out the door by 3 PM driving home half-drunk in their Cadillacs.

It was this routine everyday except on Friday. On Friday, instead of lunch at the Whaling Bar, they had lunch at the La Jolla Country Club and then played a round of golf, followed by a seriously boozy dinner and dancing.  

On Fridays if they didn't play golf, our beloved manager, Jack Frager, would call a wine company to do a testing on our patio overlooking the ocean. We would drink free wine all afternoon. 

Riley asked how he could get that life.