This just in:

"TMZ" reported 19-year-old Philadelphia Sixers superstar, Jahil Okafor, knocked out a man outside of a Boston bar. They were afraid the man suffered brain damage in the fight, but then they realized he was already that mentally impaired in order to start a fight with a 6-11, 275 pound NBA star. 

In a related story, the man Okafor knocked out set a new world record for contacting an attorney.

In another related story, every NBA stadium will now play the Rolling Stones “Street Fighting Man” when Okafor takes the floor. 

In another related story, the new fastest way to get rich is to wait outside a bar and yell "The Sixers suck" at Jahil Okafor. 

This drink I have is weaker than Tony Romo's attempt to tackle an interceptor. 

On Thanksgiving, the Detroit Lions beat the Philadelphia Eagles 45-14. Only in America can an Eagle turn into a turkey on Thanksgiving. 

On Thanksgiving, the Detroit Lions beat the Philadelphia Eagles 45-14. Damn, I cannot get ahold of my attorney to copyright my “Eagles turn into a turkey on Thanksgiving” joke. 

A man who worked in a New Jersey pork roll factory who was fired for his flatulence is suing. Here’s some advice: If your farts stink more than both a pork roll factory and New Jersey, you don’t need a lawyer, you need a doctor. 

Donald Trump takes a poop on stage, lights it on fire. "Fox News" marvel at his brilliant mocking of liberal’s fake global warming concerns.