Giving the new girls happy feet, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The cell phone is 40-years-old. Thank god for the cell phone or I wouldn’t be able to go to the grocery store and hear some idiot yell; “So I should get fat-free or non-fat milk?”

NBC has given the “Tonight Show” to a younger host, but Leno’s ratings are still #1. Hey, I got an idea, how about if they give Jay an NBC show at 10? Wait, why does that sound familiar?

President Barack Obama called the California Attorney General, Kamala Harris, the best looking attorney general. Then he had to apologize for calling her the best looking attorney general. Then he had to apologize to the 49 other attorney generals for not calling them the best looking. Then he had to apologize for calling them good looking.