Monday, November 05, 2012

The good news? There are two things Wally won't chew. The bad news? They are his two chew toys.

Beaux cheesy, beaux champs, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Election Day is November 6th; that makes November 7th Silkwood Shower Day.

Guys, choosing a candidate in this election is the opposite of picking a date for New Year’s Eve; in the election you want to chose the one who will suck the least.

A New York policeman was arrested for plotting to kill, cook and eat 100 women. As awful as that sounds, here is the worst part: none of the women were Snooki nor Kardashians.

President Barack Obama called Mitt Romney a “B.S.’r.” Good thing this isn’t getting ugly.

President Barack Obama called Mitt Romney a “B.S.’r.” If Tagg Romney wanted to take a swing at Obama before, now he wants to kick him in the nuts.

Still can’t believe New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie cancelled Halloween, the one holiday where they give out candy; that would be like Arnold Schwarzenegger cancelling National Maid Appreciation Day.

This election is starting to remind me of the party guest who won’t get the hint to leave even though you’re brushing your teeth in your pajamas.

You know what date we’re celebrating? It has been almost a week since Donald Trump has said something annoying.

Since you asked:

No Doubt had to pull their latest video because a tiny minority of Native Americans said they found it offensive.

Take a note, Native Americans: we don’t care. Talk about your politically-correct annoying minority. When we non-Native Americans say Indians, it is not an insult. When we portray a Comanche warrior shooting arrows on top of a painted Mustang horse, it is a compliment. If Native Americans wanted to be offended then we could portray them as Mark Twain described them in “Roughing It” as dirt-squatting drunks begging for handouts.

Billy Mills was once a great Olympic gold medal hero who won the 5,000 meters in an amazing upset at the Tokyo Olympics. Now he is the Native American Jesse Jackson/Al Sharpton. Simply a shake-down artist getting rich threatening to sue corporations who he claims are insensitive to Native Americans.

People do not name their beloved sports teams after something that is insulting. That is why there isn’t the Washington Marketing Callers or the Atlanta Road-Ragers or the Chicago Hipsters. They are the Washington Redskins, the Atlanta Braves and the Chicago Blackhawks.

Sure, I can see how someone could find the name Redskins offensive. Buy it wasn’t offensive when it was named.

It turns out the word Squaw was a nickname for the female sex organ, not a name for Indian women in general. So what? Nobody knew that until ten years ago.

A woman came up to me after my set at the La Jolla Comedy Store to earnestly inform me she was offended by my joke about born-again Christians. (the joke had something to do with how they get born again, but their sense of humor dies

You should have seen the look on her smug face when I informed her I did not give a sh*t since it was not my intention to offend. It was like I knocked the cup of steaming hot entitlement right out of her hands.

 No offense meant means no offense should be taken. Period.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I am going to go back to watching my game between the Los Angeles Douche Bros and the Philadelphia Loud Fat Slobs. If the Loud Fat Slobs win they will advance to play the Brooklyn Bitchy Goth-chicks in the playoffs.

 All East Coast storms will remind me of Hurricane Gloria in 1985.

While the rest of Wall Street was evacuating, we covered a bank client who demanded we keep her bond prices active on our computer screens. There were no other buyers or sellers, they had all gone to safety. Finally the owner of our company had to tell her personally to go screw herself.

They say you get the face you deserve, well this evil witch’s lip-less lizard-face made children scream. And her soul was worse. Not sure if her hideousness caused her to be such a horrible person or it was the other way around. It didn’t matter. She was the scariest and most evil human being you or anyone in Hollywood could possibly imagine.

Remember how scared you were as a kid when you saw the wicked witch of the West in “The Wizard of Oz”? Now you remember how scary the flying monkeys were? Combine their faces and that is what this woman looked like.

Honest to Wally, if this bony, she-beast woke up each morning and slathered herself from head to toe with rancid pig fat, she would not be more disgusting than she already was. 

She was just fine with putting our lives at risk for no reason other than she thought it was fun.  (Gloria turned out to be harmless, but nobody knew that at the time) 

Soon after that she caused such a giant financial loss, as an egotistical inept bond trader, she had to be kept on to work off the debt as a sales person before they fired her. 

Since then she has foisted a phony reputation as a "whistleblower" essentially ratting on her superiors when she felt not compensated enough. She claimed she did it for altruistic reasons. She does not have one altruistic cell in her body. She wouldn't save a kitten from a runaway bolder if it did not somehow advance her career.