Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Chaz Bono told “Rolling Stone” he is saving up $45,000 for an operation that will attach a penis. The hardest part about this procedure? Finding a donor.

A man in Iran had a tattoo on his penis that caused him to have a permanent erection; upon hearing this, Chaz Bono said; “I want that penis.”

Chaz Bono told “Rolling Stone” he is saving up $45,000 for an operation that will attach a penis to him. It is a complicated procedure whose medical term is: “From Who-ha to Hang-down.”

After the caucus, the entire state of Iowa has to feel as abandoned, cheap and used as the girl who had sex with the clown before the circus leaves town.

Scientists have discovered a new type of crab they call “The Hof” because they have hairy chests like, David Hasselhof, the former “Baywatch” star. And because they are fall-down alcoholics.

Yeah, I was disappointed too, but don’t worry, they will name the next type of crabs after Snooki, for obvious reasons.

Chaz Bono told “Rolling Stone” he’s saving $45,000 for a penis attachment operation. Before Chaz can get a penis, he’ll have to go through counseling: how to brag about his fantasy football team, never ask directions, how to properly scratch himself watching TV.

A Washington state man was issued a ticket for driving in the carpool lane with a skeleton. You can’t drive on the highway with a skeleton. Bad news for the Olsen twins.

Since you asked:

Barring the obvious and unlikely nightmares of being buried alive, kidnapped and tortured, or dying in a slow and awful industrial acid accident, or being ripped apart by wild animals, the worst fate I can imagine is being lectured on life insurance in a shabby industrial park office somewhere in smoggy and soulless Bellflower, California.

That is a one on a scale of one-two-ten with making zero-gravity love in the space station, or surfing a perfect wave in Tahiti, or riding a galloping mustang through a Colorado canyon as a ten.

Stuck in traffic? A two or three.

The idea is to push day-to-day from a five - writing an e-mail memo in a cubicle - to a seven or eight - grilling a steak at Sunset while listening to the Rolling Stones with a good game on - to the occasional nine - catching a great wave at La Jolla Shores or watching my daughter kick ass at soccer or track.

And then there is the pleasure of knowing that there are the few and awesome tens waiting - snowboarding on powder through the Canadian Rockies, jumping a wave in Maui and having the then-baby Ann Caroline sleeping on my chest - out there yet to happen.

When you see someone who is snotty, remember that dolphins, dogs and children live at constant eight or nine.